Somehow this night seems darker than most. The promise of a sunrise and a new tomorrow further away than usual. The world that sunrise will reveal even more harsh and less forgiving.
I don't even know why. Ostensibly things are going well enough. No major dramas in my life, not even any negative words being sent my way. Except from myself.
I hate my body. I hate my mind. I hate my life.
I'm working hard on changing the things I hate but I feel like I'm running in a hampster wheel, making no progress. I must be doing it wrong, but I don't know how else to do it. All the advice I get is to just keep at it. It's a marathon not a sprint, but is there even a finish line? I can't see it from here. Is there anything objectively different than a year ago, have I made any progress at all? Am I even moving in the right direction?
I lack courage, I lack self-discipline, I lack intelligence, I lack value. The inadequacies are staggering. I probably should've agreed to be an organ donor the last time I renewed my driver's license. At least then someone would get something out of...this. This joke of an existence. This mockery of a life.
Oh well. It's just a dark night. This, too, shall pass.
