Hello,
Excuse me for the depressive title, It just in fact is, a hopeless struggle.
I just need to vent it out and need your thoughts and possibly some advice on this ( if possible ).
I'm either trans, demiguy, demigirl, genderqueer or genderqueer.
It's very ****up in my mind because I am very confused by the years of many influences of people around me and the wishes of my exes and current girlfriend.
I know from myself that i used to be very strongly okay with being both, a guy, a woman. But troughout the years the dysphoria has gotten so much worse and gained and gained every day by day.
My girlfriend is a lesbian - She wouldn't mind if i'm both, but if i'm a guy, she'd doubt it if she can stay with me. So also I have strong separation anxiety mixed with a huge intensity of true love towards this girl, or better said ' Agender person' she thinks genders are equal. But let's just say, i'm intensivly scared and in pain, if this will turn out to be that i AM in fact, just a guy...
I dress more masculine, I keep my mustache, I really want to gain muscles and train everyday, I have fights with her about my new dread-locks which she pulled on me, which I cut shorther (by another reason than gender, but yet, she took long for me to get dreads in the first place...), I like being called boy more than girl, I get intensively happy when people perceive me as a young guy, I start to not like my little hands, I start to like my long feet, I grow hair on my legs and never shave it and am totally upset when my gf wants to shave it ( which she gave up already, i think, also my mustache, but hates it meanwhile...), I don't have top dysporhia though, which i am very confused about, but yet is also a good logic sense why... i created them myself ( i am born possibly intersex, never got natural breasts, so i had to use oestrogenes.... you could say i'm FtM and MtF lmao) But what if that comes too?? and this is not bothering me so much, because i feel happy... but ..
my girlfriend is totally devastated, she's losing the other half of me, we get intense fights whereas she wants me to be more feminine, and when i put her clothes on, i get an extreme episode of crying or hitting myself or i just stare and stay quiet for a long time and feel horrible. But there are a very few moments where I like to be a girl, but then very soon i get depressed again...
I want to be both, I want to again feel joy when I'm a woman, I now feel like knifes to my heart when i'm anything female..., but i want to be both, but now is the question, is that because of the greatest person in my life, or is that because i want too so myself? i do think so though, because i do think it's cool to express both genders and i was, so why am i so ->-bleeped-<-ed up with being a female right now
Also, I have extreme bottom dysphoria, to the end wits whereas i wanted to commit suicide, but i don't want to die, i just want to not miss the thing that has to inbetween my legs. I am happy with my big clitoris or micropenis, but i want to actually have what i'd been born with. It really makes me sick to the limit.
Also they are researching my body whether I am XXY or AIS/PAIS/CAIS. Then it turns out, i'm a cis-man by blood, well will see, i think that's just a dream in my mind, but who knows.
But see, it's really **** up, esp cuz my lover isn't bi. I hope she will always stay. Even though sometimes i really hate her, it's true love.
Hope you guys have some advice regarding pointing out gender ( ofc you guys can't, but maybe giving ur thoughts on it), regarding my relationship issues or have tips to support her?
Well, thnx a lot for reading..
