At this point everyone in my family knows I'm trans expect for my grandparents on my dads side and my little brother. Every time I bring it up telling them to my dad he completely shuts down any idea of telling them, he say's telling them would add to much stress + there old age (late 80's early 90's) and he thinks that it would be too much for them handle. These are his usual go too's but this time he said do you really want to tell them and then be responsible for anything that happens as a result of telling them. after he said i felt like complete ->-bleeped-<- and had to live the room. My father is the only one in the family that still uses my deadname and male pronouns who is aware I'm trans. He uses my brother not fitting in well at school as his excuse, if the other kids found his "brother" is now his sister they would make fun of him or something. When ever i feel like I make break thru or truly feel good about my self I get deadnamed and all progress goes away because the one person who should doing there best is instead putting up roadblocks and obstacles. I feel awful like I'm some kind of selfish monster just for wanting to share who i really am with my loved ones.
Every time we got out to lunch or have a family event I'm told by my father to man up, I can't wear make up, remove nail polish, no bracelets, talk in a deeper tone, and to not wear a bra which with or with out the bra my breast are becoming big to hide. If i don't do any of these things he'll just not take me with the rest of my siblings and make up some excuse why I'm not there. after having to continue living a lie I feel dead inside and just curly up in bed and cry.
I don't know what to do anymore.
