Hello everyone, hope this is the right place to be.

[EstherWalker]

Hello everyone,

I am new to these forums, and figured that I would introduce myself, tell a bit of my story, and maybe ask for some advice. I have just recently come to terms with being transgender. I mean, I think I have always known on some level, but it has been confusing, especially growing up in an environment where my father completely disowned my brother for refusing to agree with him that anyone who is not a straight, white man (or a god fearing white woman, but they are less than men of course) is why the world is bad and we all need to be executed, he even refuses to see his granddaughter anymore because her "blood is dirty" because she is part Native American and has been "corrupted and tainted" by my brother (keep in mind she isn't quite 2 years old yet)... so yeah, that was a recent thing, but that is the environment I was raised in. At first I just kind of assumed I was gay, but later determined I was bisexual because I do like women as well... but even that wasn't exactly right (I mean, I am bisexual, but that isn't really what I'm talking about)... I've always been completely uncomfortable in my own body, and as a small child (before the habit was beaten out of me) I would trade my boy cloths with tom-boy girls for their pretty dresses and stuff... I've been Esther (not Joshua) in my head since I first heard the name in the Bible when I was a kid...

I've always... well not HATED but... been uncomfortable with... being biologically male. My penis is uncomfortable to have, my shape and rougher skin just feels... wrong. When I dream, I'm a woman, and I live vicariously as a woman through things like Second Life and other video games... but that isn't enough anymore. I want... need?... I don't know the word, AM? a woman, not a man... but I've lived my life in a very "manly" man type of way, because of the way I was raised, I joined the Army, and after that worked a lot of construction and manufacturing type jobs... I know that woman can and do do those jobs, but they are more "manly" as far as society was concerned. I've been married twice (am still married to wife number 2), have a son... but that really isn't the problem I suppose, the past. What is the problem is... well... this is going to sound very shallow... but... I don't know how else to put it... is my appearance.

See, I ended up sitting behind a desk for about 5 years, and gained a LOT of weight. I was up to 350 pounds, but I've lost a lot of it and am down to 230 now, and am working on it. I've got a "manly" beer belly. My hands are thick and calloused from work, and are generally wide and stupid anyway. I'm a very hairy person, and shaving my face causes me to break out, so I have a big beard. I suppose I might just be able to get used to shaving every day, but I still have a 5 o'clock shadow after about 3 hours. I think my lower body is an OK shape, but very male, I don't have hips or anything, I don't have breasts (I mean a bit of fat is all)... my facial features are pretty masculine, I have a heavyish brow, I guess my jawline is OK.... I don't know. I do have nice hair (it's a bit naturally greasy though, but I can work with that) I LOOK very much like a man. My voice is very deep and I've been working on training it...but it isn't going well... and today... today I started looking genuinely into transitioning... and god did I get discouraged.

I don't have money, and because I'm disabled I am on a fixed income of about 500 bucks a month... I could never afford hair removal, or hormone therapy, hell I can't even afford to eat every day, how would I even be able to do this... and I talked to my therapist today, and he says I have to live as a woman full time before I can even get hormones that my insurance (Medicare) covers? That is insane... I don't know why I just can't at least get a bit of transitioning covered... I mean, I don't need or even want to look like a supermodel or anything, I don't need plastic surgery or anything (other than gender reassignment)... I would just like to be able to work on it.

Anyway, I'm sorry if this was whiney or a bad post... I just don't have anyone to talk to about any of this. So what do you all think, is there hope for a 31 year old "manly man" becoming who she really is on the outside? Or is suicide really the only answer? Because that is what it feels like most of the time...

Any advice, especially that about modifying my appearance (but really any advice at all from anyone) would be very much appreciated.

Thanks for reading,

Esther

P.S I would like to put a photo on here, so I can maybe get some advice, but I am too young an account, can I link my facebook? It has photos of me...

[Laura_7]

I'd say try to relax... there are all kinds of people who successfully transitioned.
Some people don't pass completely but are happy anyways.

Its a step by step process...
just take the next step.

you might have a look at the links there:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194986.msg1737439.html#msg1737439

and here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197598.msg1757491.html#msg1757491

You might shave, and maybe use a nourishing product for the face...
some people use coconut oil for example...
you might grow your hair out and keep it in a ponytail in guy mode...

the precondition with full time before hrt I have not heard of... you might ask at plannedparenthood or a lgbt center... they also have email...
and you might aks for a referral to a gender therapist...

by the way there is also a chat on susans...


and if you feel like it please reach out... there are helplines...
they also have a chat:
www.glbthotline.org/hotline.html
www.thetrevorproject.org
www.translifeline.org

you may link to private websites in your signature...
you can do that here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?action=profile;area=forumprofile

and here were a few hints on voice:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,190936.msg1701516.html#msg1701516

Yes you have come to the right place.
Simply keep asking questions...


hugs

[EstherWalker]

Thank you very much for the words and links. After reading these forums all day, I felt inspired to try something. I shaved my beard and did some light makeup and put on some cloths... I took a picture... I'm not sure how I feel about it. It feels nice... but I kind of look like a fat version of my mum... so there is that lol.. couldn't figure out the signature thing, but it doesn't matter much. All the stories and such here give me hope, and I will look further into things. Thank you.

Esther

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's place. The main difference between the old me and the new me was makeup and hair. You may look at the picture and say yes but you have a naturally feminine face. Maybe but my second therapist said I would be to masculine to pass. While beard removal and hormones do help, heaver than normal makeup can cover a number of issues. I lived many years with a voice that didn't work because voice surgery AND therapy combined has turned out to be the only way I can hit the female range. Yet even with voice issues, I was employable  and never had a problem in public. It take a lot of work to get it right so don't get discouraged. Also the last one to see the female on the outside will be you. Others will see her long before you do. As for personal photos, you may post them. You will need a link to the photo and on the left hand side of the post screen, the bottom box is insert image. Place the link between the bracketed commands and press preview to check your work. You are in the right place here because we will help you as much as we can but you will need to do the heavy lifting.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[EstherWalker]

Thank you, Dena for the kind words. I suppose I am probably my own worst critic, but I also have not done much at this point. I will be talking to my therapist and my medical doctor on the 20th. I will do the work, and I do appreciate the support.

I can't figure out how to attach a picture, so here is an imgur album of 3 pictures of me. If that is not OK, let me know and I'll remove it. Thank you again. http://imgur (dot) com/a/jj4er

[Dena]

There are two ways to handle it. If the pictures have a link to each image, you can use the insert image to display each link in the post so people don't have to click to the page. If you hit quote you will see how the trick was done. The link I picked up by right clicking on the image and using copy link. You could also put the url in the page and people could click through but you will get more views by doing it this way. The width and hight will be installed by the software when you save it so the first part should look like (img) but convert the brackets to square ones. The biggest problem I see that you have is a high forehead and that can be solved by selecting a style where the hair covers part of the forehead. Long hair will work for you if you like the style. I have the same problem thus the style in the picture. I think passing may be easer for you than you think.

[V M]

Hi Esther 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[EstherWalker]

Thanks for the tutorial, Dena! I really appreciate it, and thanks for the warm welcome, VM. I really appreciate all of the content here, and all of the kind words from everyone. My current wife helped me dress up and do the makeup today, under the guise of "just goofing around"... I am still trying to figure out how to tell her... she is an open person, and has no real prejudices, but I don't know if she would understand this... thanks again all.

Esther.

[Catherine Sarah]

 Hi Esther,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

We all have to start from somewhere, and never despise the days of small beginnings. The fact you have the attitude to change your status and recognise yourself for who you really are, is a major leap forward. Step by step, day by day, you'll be amazed at how far you travel.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be kind to yourself, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine