Finding the sense of self

[Sigyn]

Trigger warning: navel-gazing.

One of my very first clients (as I mentioned in my introduction post) I assisted with a name/gender change and birth certificate correction. I recently met up and came out with her, and I found out that she is one of the matrons of the community in my former hometown. She was ecstatic to assist me in this transition, and has been not only a great factual resource, but has been also giving me a lot of food for thought.


She said that when we transition, the journey isn't to just become our preferred gender, but a complete journey to find our true selves. We have denied our true selves so long that we don't really know who they are. True transition is not just to let our inner gender out, but to bring our true selves out.

So based on that, she asked me... who is Sigyn? What kind of person is she?

What I do know about her is that she is rooted in the traditions of her foremothers and forefathers, a true lady of the North, yet quite adept with modern life, with all of its gadgetry and wizardry. Morally conservative but politically libertarian, She eschews distasteful things without wishing harm or banning others from doing distasteful things. She is deeply in love with her partner, and is absolutely bonded and committed to her, but also has an attraction to men.

Honestly, that's all I know about her. As I continue to transition, I hope to know Sigyn more. I'm thinking that I will.

I am currently presenting about 50/50 now, mainly because I go to places (i.e. military bases) where it may be problematic to display as my "real gender". I find it amazing though that Sven is slowly fading out, and Sigyn is more coming out. Also, I'm amazed at how my male persona is so so much different than my true persona.

My sense of self is coming out slowly, and I'm liking it.

[Sigyn]

I guess this thread will turn into my de-facto blog. Hoping that will be ok.

Yesterday was a very rough day for me.

I've been training every day... high cardio, pilates, and other bodyweight exercises. Since I started training and counting calories, I've gone from 241 to 214-216. However, my waist and hips have increased 2". My fat shorts are tight on me. This was devestating, and as I started on the treadmill, I gave up after 15 seconds, because it just wasn't worth it.

I will never be able to mold my body into the image that I want it to be. The dysphoria is not only my desire to be female, but to truly make what is inside the outside as well. I need to find a happy medium. I just don't know where that is.

I became very depressed, in fact, suicidal. As I mentioned in my introduction post, I was horribly abused by the mental health system in California, and have an absolute terror of them. I told my counselor this is why I measure my words with her. I know what words will trigger an unfavorable reaction, and I told her "it's not you, it's the number of people like you." Look at my introduction post for a more detailed form of the story.

The other thing that bothers me about asking for help with depression/suicidal thoughts is the fact that if I mention >anything< about suicide, my guns will be taken away. While I know that sounds petty, my firearms collection is my tie to my father, my grandfather, and myself. My spiritual path is an ancestral one, and my ancestors are very near and dear to me. Furthermore, the right to keep and bear arms cause is one of the few things bigger than I am. It is for this reason that the times that I have been suicidal, the thought of shooting myself has never EVER crossed my mind. I will not subject this world to me being a statistic for the anti-gun population to use. Unfortunately, the political climate of those in the mental health field are not in alignment or would necessarily agree with it.

The nugget of information that I retained, that has seemed to work throughout this depression, is to pick a short term time point to say "Ok, I'll stick around until then."  My wife is in New Orleans currently, and she left from Phoenix, which is about a two hour drive away. She returns this morning. I said to myself, "Ok, I'll stick around until then, because I don't want to leave my wife stranded in Phoenix without a ride home." I had my "matron" (a wonderful transwoman who has taken me under her wing as a mentor) tell me "You just applied for one of your dream jobs and are shortlisted, see if you get called for another interview for it." So I'll stick around for that.

She then wrote me after I told her that I don't deserve transition, or even anything good in life.

I am not sure we "deserve" anything--disasters or windfalls. Or at least I don't think humans are evolved enough to decide who deserves what. Try not to beat yourself up for lost opportunities. Love past Sig: you, as all of us, have done the best you knew how to at the time given the constraints of the situation.

Love current Sig: keep working the health care system. Although doctors are effectively gatekeepers for treatment, ultimately you are in control of researching, seeking, and accepting treatments you think will be beneficial. That might include more counseling, chemicals for body and brain (supporting, not numbing), and possibly a structured weight-loss / body-toning program.

"The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now." I don't know the correct attribution for this proverb but it has often helped me. We are frequently presented with some choice about how to make our lives a little more like we want, or at least a little less like we don't want. I think you have the acuity to see these choices and the courage to keep acting on them in a way to make your life a bit more authentic every week. Such incremental optimization is all that keeps me going sometimes (okay, along with brain meds and pig-headed stubbornness).

All the hugs. You'll get through this.

I'm blessed and humbled to have a matron like this. I need to realize that transition is just that, a process... it will take time. It has taken almost 30 years of abuse and neglect to get my body like this. It will take time, despite my wanting it now, to change the inside to the outside. But for now, I'll stick around to see if I get the job.

[Laura_7]

Well you might change your therapist...

here are some helplines,
they also have a chat...
http://glbthotline.org/hotline.html
http://www.thetrevorproject.org
http://translifeline.org


many *hugs*

[Sigyn]

What an eventful week! I ended up getting two subcontracting law and motion gigs, One of which was for a long-term client who had a unique problem, and one essentially trying to mitigate his malpractice exposure.

the unique problem client lost his motion horribly, but the judge was very open to hearing the reasoning that I had proposed with a different case, one where the facts were a bit better. It provided the validation that I needed that I am good at what I do, and hopefully law will change in Hawaii.

The malpractice mitigation case is going to end horribly. The attorney (my client) totally did it, and the only thing I can try to do is keep his exposure down. Thankfully, the attorney realizes that it's going to cost him a lot, but it's worth it for him to have me try to mitigate it.

It's good to have work. I haven't made a dollar since early June, and knocking the rust off the writing felt really good.

I'm still not enamored with my counselor. She doesn't really say anything or challenge me, just more listens and takes notes. If I wanted someone to record what I was saying, I'd hire a court reporter. I think I'll confront her about it. I did tell her about my depression... she asked if I had 'suicidal ideations'. I told her that even if I did, I wouldn't tell her, because she will not involuntary commit me or take my guns. She knows the history of abuse I've had with the mental health system, and I'm not about to let my guard down. That being said, a very very dear friend (meaning that if I could pull off polygamy, my wife and I would bring her into our household), has said that she will take ownership of the weapons if the police come. This comforts me.

In other news, I've applied for, and have passed the first cut for, a job as a civilian Staff Judge Advocate with the Air Force. This is a magic-wand job. I >really< want this job... honestly it's the first job that I have EVER applied for in my life that I actively wanted more than just "a form of income". I got a initial rating of 88, whatever that means. I hope I hear from them soon.

I sent in my oath and my check for the Arizona State Bar, so that chapter in my life is over.
-----

Most people don't know that I am severely hearing impaired, and wear hearing aids full-time. Years of punk rock, metal and other loud music, as well as firearms, have taken their toll on my hearing. As a result of that, I can't hear what I sound like directly. I can hear myself on tape, and good gods, is my voice low.

The University of Arizona has a speech therapy school that offers voice training for $35 a session. Normally, they have the students help you to learn, but they market for people getting ready for public speaking, job interviewing, or weddings. I need to contact them to find out if they will help me with voice feminization. My matron has given me some exercised, but since I can't hear myself, it's hard to correct on the fly.

I read the study "High-Intensity Intermittent Exercise and Fat Loss" published by the Journal of Obesity and written by Stephen Boucher from the University of New South Wales, retrieved from the US National Institute of Health site. He posits and argues that long-term moderate cardio exercise is not effective in fat loss, because the metabolism slows, and the body will use muscle tissue instead of visceral fat. The answer is HIIE training. I have saved several Youtube videos, and will do two-a-days for two weeks to see how it works. If nothing else, I can do this at home, with no gear, which will save almost 2 hours in travel to a gym.

My wife likes my new hairstyle, I have it in a schoolmarm bun. I don't know whether or not to feel sad about it.

[Sigyn]

Part of finding my sense of self I realized yesterday is to put on different "masks" or, better as I like to call it, facets of my personality, to fit the situation.

I settled my (way way overpled) lawsuit against Ikea. Based on the complaint, they were rather shocked that my settlement demands were so small. I told them that I was tired of being jerked around, but I just wanted my oven replaced at their expense, and to honor their warranty. So, I drove up to Phoenix, wearing a dickie's "garage shirt", a pair of jeans, and desert boots. Very un-lawyerlike, but I wanted to a) be practical in loading a new oven in my truck, and b) show the guy that I'm not some litigious bastard out for blood... I'm just a person with a certain skillset that wants his oven replaced under warranty. So I went from blood-thirsty male lawyer to a blue-collar good-ol-boy in dealing with Ikea.

From there, I went to the Aveda institute. I had tried to go there twice in Tucson, but the lack of parking and scheduling made it impossible for me to get there. The Phoenix store, however, was across the street from the Ikea, and had plenty of free parking. So I went over there to get a haircut (first one in 14 years), shampoo and style. I informed the stylist that I am pre-HRT transition, and want something that I can wear down or up as needed. It was very weird I would imagine, a person wearing a garage shirt, baggy blue jeans and desert boots saying they want a feminine hairstyle. She ignored that part, I think, and wanted to cut my ends off to make it look thicker and to continue to grow. At this stage in my transition, though, I'm presenting about 80% male, because frankly, I don't have the body nor the facial features yet to go much more. However, I could tell my mannerisms and hand gestures becoming more feminine as I'm describing what's going on with my hair. She took me back for the shampoo, condition and deep oil treatment, and any masculine awareness dropped. It got worse when she offered a free facial, because she just finished the class and needed several more subjects to get her grade. When she said it would be free, I agreed. OMG, I was in heaven. I could see how people get addicted to spa treatments.

When I "came to" as the shampooing finished, the facial wiped away, and the chair coming back, I walked back to the haircutting chair, and the worst dysphoric feeling came over me as I looked in the mirror. It was like waking up to a dream to see the worst reality staring back at me. A fat, long-haired redneck with two gold studs in his ears, trying once again to being something he's not.What was a practical use of a personality not 90 minutes previously was the absolute wrong place to be then. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to cry, I wanted to take my pocket knife that I just used to cut straps and skin my face off. This was not who I wanted to be.

Ever since I "came out" to my very few select friends and family, I have been a lot more sensitive to things that trigger my dysphoria. Where before this I could stand not to shave for 2-3 days, if I'm not baby smooth at all times, I freak out.

Rather than this becoming a depressing bitch-fest, I'm wondering what parts of my male past/present life are practical to keep with Sigyn? Are there any facets to keep? I don't think I can just forego certain parts of my life there, as that's my history and formation, despite it all being a lie. That's I guess what my matron means by finding the sense of self.

Sweet Baby Baldr, can it be September 28 yet, it's time for the HRT to begin!

[JoanneB]

I'll break the blog and turn it into a thread. It's the first chance I had to read through it all.

A lot totally relates to me and my ongoing sort of existential crises these past 6 years of sort of transitioning. It suddenly dawned on me I have no sense of "WHO" I really am. I spent a lifetime of doing/being What Was Expected of me. It was sad enough many years ago before I realized this, that I am incapable of having fun on my own. I need a muse, or a coconspirator/enabler. Otherwise it's I have to do this, I have to do that, I have.....

When the excrement hit the air handler six years I became introspective. Actually had no choice but to. I lost my major coping aides of Diversions, Distractions, and Denial, as well as a few other important things in my life. I eventually came to realize I needed to take on the trans-beast for real. That started my journey of self-discovery, the TOTAL self. After a lifetime of being one gender, I will always be that person in some way. What my goal was to find a way for these two great aspects of myself to life happily together for me to be one whole, healthy and happy person.

I'm getting there. Finding, or creating, balance in life is always a challenge. For a dinosaur like me, more so between my wife, career, and finances. That juggling act usually leads to thinking perhaps all I am meant to be this lifetime is a good soldier. Someone who does what is expected. Putting duty above self. Yet, I also lived the dream, albeit part-time. I've seen the promised land. I crossed the river Jordan. Do I now get to cross "Being seen as and accepted as a woman" off my bucket list? Move on to the remaining two, GroundHog's day in Puxsutawny, PA and seeing the aurora borealis?

I think I can cross off finding a way to get these two totally disparate parts of my to live in harmony. Not constantly beating on down makes it a lot easier. When asked by my therapist what would be different if Joanne showed up at work presenting as female? My first thought was Nothing. OK, they'd all be shocked but the person inside is the same now.

Perhaps once life gets out of the way of living, I'd get the free time to sort out who I really am.

[Sigyn]

I'll break the blog and turn it into a thread. It's the first chance I had to read through it all.

I was beginning to wonder if anyone was actually reading this. Thanks!

A lot totally relates to me and my ongoing sort of existential crises these past 6 years of sort of transitioning. It suddenly dawned on me I have no sense of "WHO" I really am. I spent a lifetime of doing/being What Was Expected of me. It was sad enough many years ago before I realized this, that I am incapable of having fun on my own. I need a muse, or a coconspirator/enabler. Otherwise it's I have to do this, I have to do that, I have.....

I >SO< identify with this. The only real way that I have handled it to this point is to live vicariously through others. Here's an example:

As a bankruptcy attorney, you know a client lies when they walk through the door. One of the best examples is when a single professional female walks in the door. One of the charges that I taught my paralegals is that they are to keep up with the fashion world and gossip through whatever magazines and what not. If someone comes in with a Louis Vuitton bag, I need to know if it's a knock-off or a real deal. I also need to know what are the top brands of the now. The main reason is that the trustees can take un-exempted property, and I have personally seen trustee's take high-end bags to sell and distribute.

The >REAL< reason is because I wanted so so much to talk gossip. It's part of my 'super girly' part of me. I love fashion, makeup, celebrity gossip, etc. It's hard with the wife, because she is a very butch, sci-fi nerd. She has no frame of reference to do so.

Parts of me are super 'girly', and trying to convince my friends (even those that share those interests) that I'm interested is tough to broach.

When the excrement hit the air handler six years I became introspective. Actually had no choice but to. I lost my major coping aides of Diversions, Distractions, and Denial, as well as a few other important things in my life. I eventually came to realize I needed to take on the trans-beast for real. That started my journey of self-discovery, the TOTAL self. After a lifetime of being one gender, I will always be that person in some way. What my goal was to find a way for these two great aspects of myself to life happily together for me to be one whole, healthy and happy person.

I refer to it too as "the beast"... although I additionally refer it to 'coming out of Pandora's box', meaning that I can never put it back in. However, the practicality of being who I am should not be to discard who I was before. I think you're on to something when you speak of finding a balance.

I'm getting there. Finding, or creating, balance in life is always a challenge. For a dinosaur like me, more so between my wife, career, and finances. That juggling act usually leads to thinking perhaps all I am meant to be this lifetime is a good soldier. Someone who does what is expected. Putting duty above self. Yet, I also lived the dream, albeit part-time. I've seen the promised land. I crossed the river Jordan. Do I now get to cross "Being seen as and accepted as a woman" off my bucket list? Move on to the remaining two, GroundHog's day in Puxsutawny, PA and seeing the aurora borealis?

I've said to my wife when I started actively working down transition... "This is my time. This is >me<. I get this time. Me."   It's strangely liberating. I completely am with you with "being a good soldier and doing what is expected." That is why it's also disturbing to me to be so 'selfish'.

I think I can cross off finding a way to get these two totally disparate parts of my to live in harmony. Not constantly beating on down makes it a lot easier. When asked by my therapist what would be different if Joanne showed up at work presenting as female? My first thought was Nothing. OK, they'd all be shocked but the person inside is the same now.

Someday, I'll be there.... someday. I am fairly hung up on appearances, and making my outer-self reflect my inner-self. I'm not sure I could, because my current outer self is not something that I could fathom being near where I want to be. Maybe I set my goals unobtainable, maybe not. As a rule, I have achieved most of the goals in my life, only to be disappointed on what things look like from 'the top of the mountain'. I don't know. I had a cis female friend tell me 'You're too hung up on appearances, you need to give yourself some slack.' I really wanted to tell her 'Easy for you, bitch, you're already smoking hot.'

This is work, but since it's for ME, and finally where I want to be in life, it's a labour of love. One of the big fears I have is I won't like what I see when I get there.

Perhaps once life gets out of the way of living, I'd get the free time to sort out who I really am.

I'm stealing this.

[JoanneB]

Someday, I'll be there.... someday. I am fairly hung up on appearances, and making my outer-self reflect my inner-self. I'm not sure I could, because my current outer self is not something that I could fathom being near where I want to be. Maybe I set my goals unobtainable, maybe not. As a rule, I have achieved most of the goals in my life, only to be disappointed on what things look like from 'the top of the mountain'. I don't know. I had a cis female friend tell me 'You're too hung up on appearances, you need to give yourself some slack.' I really wanted to tell her 'Easy for you, bitch, you're already smoking hot.'

If I dared to post my male doppelganger's photo you'd be floored. Formerly 6ft tall (thank you gravity!), mostly bald, big everything, the list goes on..... There is no gradual presentation change for me, unless you count wearing more pink.

Yet, these days when I look in the mirror more often then not I see Joanne looking back. There are days, more then I'd like, when the dysphoria with it's depression and sense of futility, cause me to see that "Sad old man". Most days I am on-guard against any signs of "Reversion". I don't ever want to become that person I used to be now that I realize what became of me as life and joy got beaten out me, out of Joanne, by me.

My wife and I have talked often about my rule boundness, desire to control outcomes, plan out for disasters, having a Plan B. This dovetails into a general observation we both made of the overwhelming number of techie types represented in the MTF world. I attribute my gravitation towards electronics between it being really amazing and cool. Later it became one thing about me for sure that followed well ordered rules with causalities. (I still tell people what I do is magic and that's why I get the big $$$ ) I grew up in a bit of a disfunctional household on top of the trans thing. I hate rules and authority, yet seek them out.

It took the better part of my first 3 years on this path before "The Master of the Electron", as my wife calls me, actually began to acknowledge, take ownership of, all the amazing things I have accomplished and achieved in my professional life. I never felt it was anything special. I was "Doing what was expected". Need this new whiz banger medical device for a trade show in 3 months after a sister division screwed around for a year plus on it and got nowhere? No prob. Win several best of awards for my designs. Need to send me off to sales calls around the world? Need me to give a pulse-power presentation in Moscow? Go 250 miles inside the arctic circle and get stuck there on 9/11?  All part of the job. It wasn't really me. Just the thing I was. The lifeless, soulless machine I became with no hopes, wishes or dreams, bar one given up on long ago.

Self acceptance came, and is coming, slowly. It started the evening of my first ever TG support group meeting where I found myself sitting in a room filled with people whose life stories mirrored my own. By my third meeting I knew absolutely I needed to be there. Another leap came during a therapist session when I said I am a transsexual. It was not the first ever time yet a bolt went through me as I embraced it. Yes, I am and pretty much always was.

I wish "The now what?" part was/is easier. But things did get easier. Shedding shame and guilt to some degree helps. Guilt far easier then shame. Still plenty of both that feed my internalized transphobia. Perhaps having it is a good sign? Somewhat like not being a member of the Transition or Die club. Though I do have the application form at the ready, Plan B.

[Sigyn]

ok, here's my "Male Doppelganger" pic. I almost NEVER take pictures, so this one is about 2 years old.



No, I'm not very happy, I haven't been for a while.

The thing is, progressing toward transitioning is a joyful thing for me. It's the reason my first Avatar was of 'Sister Denmark' from Scandanavia and the World on her wedding day.

I relate to the "desire to control outcomes" and "plan out for disasters". I think that the reason that tech is a field that attracts trans people is that it embraces the weird and different people, as long as the skills are there. The most popular person who has no skills will be more derided that one who is a complete boor, but has skills. (of course there always are exceptions)

I also relate to the "not recognizing the accomplishments." I have argued for other attorneys in seven states, have done six appeals to state and federal appellate courts, and am sought out for my particular skillset. I have changed policy and created new law in three states. It's this not recognizing my own achievements that, I believe has in some spot created my failure as a business person. While I do intend to exploit my gender when I get to where I can feel comfortable practicing as a female, I will continue to struggle with my lack of recognition of my accomplishments.

There is a group here in Tucson called 'Desert Girlz' that meets every second Monday. I think I'm going to try to go this next session, to see what it's all about. I think that's the logical next step here.

I don't want to say that I have what could be termed 'internalized transphobia.' It's really more fear of 'doing something wrong' and I end up becoming a monster, a bitch, or both, with no way to go back. Maybe in this whole transition pool, the best way to 'get used to it' is to hold your nose and jump in with both feet, or... use the steps to wade in until you're comfortable swimming in over your head. I don't know.

[JoanneB]

ok, here's my "Male Doppelganger" pic. I almost NEVER take pictures, so this one is about 2 years old.



A formidable foe in court for sure. Ragnor would be proud of you

The most popular person who has no skills will be more derided that one who is a complete boor, but has skills. (of course there always are exceptions)

Exceptions? Are you living in an alternate reality? In my reality Pretty Boys with no skills, or talent, go places just as any woman will tell tell you how the pretty girls do in comparison to them.

There is a group here in Tucson called 'Desert Girlz' that meets every second Monday. I think I'm going to try to go this next session, to see what it's all about. I think that's the logical next step here.

My group totally turned my life around. At the time I had moved from just outside NYC to rural WV. Talk about culture shock! And they were 90 miles away. I never dared to go to the city, only 2 miles away. Groups vary a lot. I was lucky out of the box. Back in NJ, nothing so far like I had. God was directing me towards the help I needed. Even had a couple of specially trained angels there for me.

I don't want to say that I have what could be termed 'internalized transphobia.' It's really more fear of 'doing something wrong' and I end up becoming a monster, a bitch, or both, with no way to go back. Maybe in this whole transition pool, the best way to 'get used to it' is to hold your nose and jump in with both feet, or... use the steps to wade in until you're comfortable swimming in over your head. I don't know.

This is a tough one. Irrational fear vs taking a chance.  But, just how can you separate an innate fear, from an unknown, from realities based on experience?

We both know all too well how guys, and society in general think and feel in their heart of hearts. F the PC crap. Get them alone, the jokes, the innuendo, etc.. For a couple of weeks surrounding the whole Caitlyn Jenner "Here I am" show all I heard all over the NYC media in many subtle ways "What a whack job". Bad week at Black Rock for me. Even today the coverage isn't much different in it's tone.

We know the realities. We know the hurdles that need to be faced. We also know there is an easier way. Tough it out, by the sheer force of will I can get by a little longer. Messing up is just a rationalization. Staying the course is safer.

Is there a such a thing as a way to "Come Out" in which your world will embrace it? Hell No. One, maybe a few people, that's it. For that day. A week, a month latter, allegiances are likely to change. Family, no guarantees at all. Wife? I cannot ask, nor expect, a promise from mine to stay by my side. I kicked over the board, totally redefined the marriage. My wife and I are playing it by ear. Fortunately my personal growth is helping her overcome growth in other areas. But it is a major buzz-kill for her. More so then seeing me presenting as female was for many years before dropping the T-Bomb.

For me, Shame is still king and then guilt. I know this is hurting my wife. Doing more just may be disastrous for us both. It is all too easy for me to rationalize staying as I am. My wife, on the other hand, sees only me eventually going full-time. Followed by, if not preceding,  dumping her for some guy, or a member of my group. (I have a history of dating TS's and ... also dumping her. 30+ years ago when I was young and stupid but...)

So, what can you do wrong? Beyond trying to live and present as your true genuine self?. I can't see how that can make one a bitch or a monster. Only better. I know absolutely NOT Handling being trans turned me into monster. Well, now I do. At the time I didn't but my wife sure can tell you PLENTY. Perhaps that is why she is my #1 ally, in spite of it being against her best interest?

But others. Work mostly. I think it's great I get paid to have fun. For a few years, the dark years, I was also paid well, to be a cripple. A good admin could have done my job. I know, I worked with them before. Your tax dollars at waste. Without both my wife or career, I have no reason to live. Male or female. I already came way too close to that. Having been in upper management, I know my days can be numbered. Having rode out a few hurricanes with my wife and our marriage, the 'US' is of utmost importance to me.

Most things about transitioning "is wrong" by someone else's definition at the very least. Like your life to date, there are a number of things you did wrong, or could have done better. Like anything else in your life, you generally live, you learn, you start out with baby steps. Eventually you need to fledge, take that leap of faith, and leave the nest.

You never know where your true joy lies unless you set out to discover it, to experiment in order to reveal it. All involves taking on risk. Inaction typically carries risk, often overlooked. One has rewards, the other more prolonged pain.

[Sigyn]

I've been lazy over the last few weeks, and my sense of despair and depression came back. so I'm back to doing more things.

I reinjured my shoulder and separated a rib doing burpees. I think what made me most mad is that I couldn't exercise or breathe for that matter. It really turned me into a raging, depressive ->-bleeped-<-.

So today I forced myself to garden, and despite it being 97 degrees and thunderstorming, I got my plants in the ground. I need to sell off the others in pots tomorrow. I realized that being a housewife, or more 'traditional' female rooted activities really ground me and make me happy. So tonight is laundry, kitchen cleaning, and bathroom cleaning. I know my wife is very angry at the condition of the house, and since I've been sitting on the internet and playing video games all day, I can't say that it's all that good of a thing. The cycle needs to be broken. I'm thinking this is part of the transition too.

[Sigyn]

A recurring theme I see here as well as other fora is "What to do with the past (in my case, male) self and accomplishments.

I am an Eagle Scout. One of the things I've always heard, and myself repeated, is that you never "were" an Eagle Scout. Once an Eagle, Always an Eagle. Despite the turmoil with the gay scout/gay Scouter decisions, I have always remained extremely proud of my achievement. I am a life member of NESA, and cleaning out my desk I found my card.

So the issue I have is "What do I do with this, now that I'm in transition? Do I give it back? Do I keep it and make a statement with it?"

I think that Kristin Beck had the right idea with her "Eagle and Trident." The fact that Ms. Beck transitioned makes her no less of a Navy SEAL. She proudly wears her Eagle and Trident on her dress. I think this is what I will do with my Eagle Lapel Pin and my Life Member NESA pin. I will continue to wear them proudly on my Court Attire, just as I did when I presented male.

Should I ever find myself as a Scouter again, I will wear the female Scouter uniform, and wear the knots that I have earned proudly as well.

My name is Sigyn, and I am an Eagle Scout, class of 1986.

[JoanneB]

How is stuffing your self's past, any different then stuffing your feelings about your gender? When you boil both down, you are left with the fundamental issue of stuffing a major aspect of your core essence. You know all too well how that plan eventually plays out

On one hand I can understand the lure, especially if it is early in life, or a life unlived. You have no real history beyond that immortalized  on paper or these days spooled off on tape living in an Iron Mountain repository. Depending on your emotional state of mind, you may not be aware of, or able to recognize your great accomplishments to date in your life. I sure could not up until a year or two along this transitional journey of mine. The concept of "Stealth", of totally washing away your past, pasteurizing it to perfect the present presentation of your personage, is alluring.

When I was young, as in my larval stage, like many others I dreamed, I wished, I prayed, that somehow, magically, I'd wake up in the morning as a girl. But.... There was a Part 2, a very necessary component to this dream. Also needed was for all the world to also think or to know of me as a girl for my entire life. Perhaps it was an extension of the day and age I lived in. If I had anything new or different I had a lot of "explaining" to do to Mom as to where and how I came to have it. (and there were a few times I had some fast explaining to do when I got busted)

To be alive it to learn, to grow. Every thought, every experience becomes a part of you. Sure, most were ho-hum, some really cool, and hopefully just a few really un-cool to totally miserable. Everyone of those experiences are part of you. In repressing them, any of them, I cannot see any fundamental difference between that or denying aspects of your gender.

I never had delusions there was a chance in hell of me ever being "Stealth". I towered above most males in my age group. My frame easily twice across that of most of the 100lb average young women. I had a dream, I also live in the heart of Realville. In my early life I knew all too well I was not able to "Pass" 100%. What I did not know then was how ill equipped I was emotionally for dealing with the realities of life as a transwoman. Magical thinking of wanting to be a woman so badly that if I.......... The "Some guy in a dress" sums up quite nicely my two experiments with transitioning back then.

Today, with a very well established "Male" image to others, as well as to myself, I feel I have grown and learned perhaps enough to try once more. What I find strength in is having faith in myself, my abilities, my accomplishments, and the respect I have earned through them. A far different me from 6 years ago, yet still the very same exact person to the rest of the world. A far far different person to me, one with whom I am proud to be and have been. Mistakes and all.

[Sigyn]

I was talking to another MtF friend, and through the heat and sweat I looked at her and said.

"I wish I was an automatic ->-bleeped-<-, because being a manual ->-bleeped-<- is too much work, and I end up grinding my gears too often."

Totally spontaneous. She said she wanted to steal it. So if you see it around, you know where it came from first.

But it got me thinking. Yeah, this transition is a LOT of work.... like wow, level of work. However, it's still a labour of love, and being able to know that I'm getting closer to bringing my inside out is a great great feeling.

I'm physically exhausted after a grueling workout. I need to blowdry my hair and remove hair tonight, and then I can sit in my PJ's and bunny slippers and relax tonight. All in all, I'm a pretty happy girl today.

[Sigyn]

It's been 3 weeks exactly since my last post, and frankly, the reason why is due to depression and ennui. I tend to withdraw when I get down.

I applied for a 'magic wand' job as a staff attorney with the Air Force. Not only was it right in my area of law that I practice, but I was local, and I figured I was a shoe-in. I got the notice that I was not selected, even after short listing. I know that these jobs are largely already decided before the posting is made, but I still was disappointed.

I then found out that my wife's contract is not being renewed, and they are screwing her out of 2 weeks vacation pay. So we're going to need to obtain counsel for her under the Davis-Bacon Act. Not having any family income is going to be rough, as I am starting to wear earrings and makeup almost daily. I suppose this could change. I have applied to three other jobs in the area, so we shall see how that goes.

I have been able to determine when I go into a depression spiral. I tend to overexercise, however my personal hygiene falls sharply. I'll stay in my gym clothes all day, not shower, not shave, and just lump. Then I feel bad because my stubble all over my body dysphoriates me, nobody likes it when they stink, and I don't feel good. I need to remember to break the cycle by bathing, shaving, putting on makeup... even if I'm just doing housework.

However, and probably the most biggest news, is that I got my prescription for HRT today.  . I was so excited, and I let out a "yay" which was unprofessional, but I'm glad to see my doctor appreciated it. So, as of an hour ago, I took my first spiro pill. My pharmacy would have to order the other medicine, so I have to go into town again tomorrow in order to get the patches. I'm really really excited, and also really really scared, because sh** has just gotten real. This is going to happen.

I realize that I'm really not used to getting things >I< want. I'm used to disappointment and let-downs. I used to attribute it to being solidly "Gen-X" (see http://bit.ly/18Sb8RL **Warning: Coarse Language**) and not getting anything I wanted. However, it's neat to have things. My doctor calls me by my preferred name, and that is so nice. She really wants me to succeed. I'm not all that convinced that she herself is all that knowledgable, but she did tell me that she has everyone else on call there to help. She has taken more than a normal interest in my transition.

I think we're going to start going to the local trans* groups, if nothing else to meet others. I chatted a bit with one of the admins on the facebook page (SAGA Tucson) who is an appellate attorney. I thought that was neat.

I worry about my wife. She is happy to see me happy, but I want to make sure she's ok with it. There is a SAGA subgroup called Transpartners that I think we'll both go to.

In any case, I'm sorry for the radio silence, but I don't feel like adding to the cloud of misery and whine when it's just me being sullen.

[Sigyn]

So it's been a month since I started HRT. I was originally given estradiol patches, but after a horrible, bleeding rash from them, I was transferred to pils. I met the new resident doctor who is FTM himself, and he was a bit more aggressive with the medication than before.

I'd like to say I "feel" better, but I don't. Weird thing is, I feel more "male" now than I have in years with the hormones that I've been taking. Not in the "macho man" type feelings, but being more comfortable presenting as male and being male out in public. I still shave regularly, but I don't feel nausea when I have to wear guy clothes outside.

Money has become a giant issue. My wife (who was the breadwinner) lost her job too on October 1, and that's been a stressful time. My malpractice defense case went horribly, but then again, the client did exactly what I told him NOT to do, so I don't feel so bad. I made it all the way to the final 3 of the job in the Air Force Base, but lost out. That hurt a lot. Otherwise, my resumes have all been rejected out of hat. I'm too experienced for a 'new attorney' job, and don't have a book of business that I can take to another firm to want them to hire me. It's really depressing.

I can't afford makeup, clothes, or other things, which is further depressing me. Any exercise I'm doing is negated by the depression eating.

I went to Tucson Pride, and got some leads on some counseling, but of course, I gave it to my spouse, who lost the contact info. Typical.

I'm keepin' on keepin' on with the meds every day. I'm not seeing too much in the way of physical change, and despite my deteriorating situation, I'm no longer suicidal. I guess that's a plus.

[JoanneB]

Finally doing something for yourself has led to not wanting to vomit when doing what is expected. You see some glimmer of hope for a future vs being doomed to spending eternity in the level of hell that you were. The hormones are most likely doing their deed. In the past my use of low dose HRT led to being able to better cope living a male (or "Normal") live. After several months when the physical effects began to manifest was when the CS factor kicked in. Things were going to head away from normal, which was not the plan.

A great way to get support leads is to contact your county or state TG support organizations, or worse case LGBT organizations. Local support groups are best for the real scoop. And the price is right. You can generally come presenting whatever way you are comfortable or able to. We've ALL been there.