Is it worth it?

[veritasplanets]

Hi Everyone,

Like many of you, I've struggled with not feeling authentic as to who I am. I've liked girly things (clothes, makeup, etc) since my childhood. I am in my 30s, married with young kids. We have a very open household where my boys can express themselves as they wish (e.g. play/wear some girls clothes, toys, nail polish, etc).

I have dressed in front of my wife on and off for the past 5 years. I am an avid runner and shave my body though i do it for other reasons. My wife doesnt care about body hair or any of the non-sensical details that society dictates we should or should not do (in most cases). We can talk fairly openly about things and she jokes now and again that she does not need my boy parts any more (We are done having kids). At times my female mannerisms really show and on occasion she jokes about me being a girl. I've even referred to myself as  girl in passing and got no negative response.

In the summer we watched a show with Laverne Cox and she commented how pretty she was (my wife is bi but prefers boy parts).. Incidentally a week or two later we had a whole conversation about hormones and how they change people. Since then trans issues have been in the news and have been a topic of discussion where she is always open and accepting.

My dysphoric feelings in the past 18months have gotten pretty bad. I am having a hard time controlling it. I work long hours 12-14h a day and am fairly involved with my family. I literally have zero time to talk with a councillor in person. I tried online councillor and it did not work out as they were pushing me for SRS. I don't have a problem with my parts, I feel that I could live authentically if my outside matched my inside more (boy anatomy with alternative gender identity/expression).

I get these feelings on and off that she knows I am different. Once I mentioned about living as a woman and she said she'd divorce me. This waz years ago and she doesn't talk that way anymore which makes this confusing. I am concerned that if I miscalculated and come out that she will divorce me. I love her and my kids but it's getting harder with each passing day to deal with this. So my question is, was transitioning worth it?

Georgia

[Megan.]

Hi and Welcome!

I'm a 40 y/o mtf trans-woman in the UK. I started living full-time in May 2017, and I can say - for myself - it was worth it. But I'm afraid the only one who can really answer that question is you!

If you haven't already, I'd suggest fiding an experienced therapist to talk through your thoughts and feelings with.
As long as your partner is comfortable, you can explore a bit further,  dressing for longer periods,  or even out in public if you feel ready for that. Early on I went on a city break to spend a whole weekend away and presenting female in public to see how I felt.

There's alot of friendly people here with a wide variety of experiences on the gender spectrum.

Good luck!

Megan. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Georgia!

Welcome to Susan's.

That's a hard question to answer.  I didn't have to think about kids, but I did have to think about my wife.  No one could tell me the answer to that question: would it be worth it?  I had to dig deep inside myself to find the answer.  And I finally concluded that, yes, even if she left me, it would be worth it.  (I got lucky: she stayed! )

But that was me.  No one can answer for you.  I can tell you that, from what you have told us about your relationship and how your wife has handled various hints, I would say that the odds are in your favour.  But it is a gamble, and gamblers need to consider both possible outcomes before placing their bets.

My experience in the year and a half since I came out to my wife has confirmed that my judgement was right: it was worth it, and it would have been worth it either way.  YMMV.


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[Yakayla]

Everyone experience is different. I haven't transitioned yet, but for me of course it's worth it. Cause the only person i'm doing it for is myself. But to be honest, if you feel like you have to transition and you don't, you're not being fair to yourself and your wife. These kind of things have a a way of eating away at you. Take everything out of the picture, is this something you need to be happy? Will you always feel like something is missing if you don't? These are the kind of questions you need to ask yourself. Yes there is always the possibility you lose your wife if you do transition. And if you do lose her, it's not her fault and it's not yours either. When you love someone, you gotta let them do what makes them happy, even if you lose them in the process. But then again, maybe after the years she has come to accept it as a possibility. Someones first reaction is not always how they truly feel. Everyone has their secrets, but you shouldn't have to hide any feeling you have from your wife. Maybe you should at least talk to her about things? She where she stands now.

[HappyMoni]

Georgia,
   I don't think there is any way for us to predict how things would turn out for you. I will answer your question though. For me I ran from my dysphoria and it caused me a lot of misery. I transitioned a few years ago and it has been a dream  come true. It is amazing how I have seen the dysphoria fall away as I have addressed the social and physical aspects. Now, I definitely advise anyone dealing with the feelings to figure out what it means for their lives because I truly believe the feelings don't go away. Your path is what you determine. You are right to reject someone pushing you into something that is wrong for you. As for your partner, it is a different prospect talking about people in the news versus hearing that your partner is facing this situation. It is very unpredictable. If you find that you want/need to tell her, it might be easier for her  to accept you seeking her help with you trying to figure out issues you are having with your gender as opposed to you coming out with a proclamation like, "I am transgender." It is kind of like, "Help me partner to figure this out for us." as opposed to, "I have made these decisions, I haven't included you in the process of the decision, now what do we do?" That is my thought. It is honest and respectful, but like I said not without risk. If you are unsure as to how strong this is for you, you can pursue a therapist. Also, if you can get some experience dressing while out of town or something, you can see how you react to the social aspect of a transition. Getting past the initial nervous/scared feelings, how does it make you feel being viewed as female by real people. I thought I would be very embarrassed but to my surprise, I loved being regarded by others as female. That told me a lot about what was right for me.
Moni

[jill610]

This is such a tough question and I think many of us soul search for this answer. I am still in transition and have a long way still to go but for me it is worth it on most days. I still have doubt, sometimes a lot. The holidays especially were tough as my wife and I took the family to Disney world and there were a LOT of ups and downs as we mourned the loss of the old me. We talk a lot about spouses mourning, but I am finding that I am also mourning the loss of someone that I liked quite a bit. I liked who I was just not what I was. I didn't feel right but I didn't hate myself. I was a good looking, well respected and loved, man. Now I'm not yet any of those but will be someday (except the man part, he, I think, is in the rear view mirror). But during this phase, doubt certainly weighs heavily at times as I mourn the loss of my former self, the love of my spouse and learn to express ME.

[LizK]

Is it worth it...I think that can really only answered by you. For me I was starting to repeat dangerous patterns of self abuse...I hadn't started again but I knew unless I got some help I was going to do something stupid. So in the end I just wanted the dysphoria to stop. I took the steps I needed to get it to stop. Slowly as I progress it hasn't stopped completely but there are now whole days that can go by without me feeling dysphoria. I now have these spontaneous moments where everything suddenly feel perfect!

Unfortunately many do lose friends and family along the way but that is something you have to weigh up for yourself. I hope whatever you decide works out for you and we are here to help support if we can.

[rainlucien]

Hi Georgia,

While I don't have human children (just cats), I have been married for 10 years this year (with her for 12 years), and your situation sounds fairly familiar.  When we met, she told me that she liked girls, too, and that made me feel excited and safe with her.  I've been full-time for a little over a year now, and have been on HRT for almost 1 month now.  I used to wear women's clothing and makeup fairly regularly, but eased back because of comments that she would make.  We used to get into arguments sometimes before going out if I was presenting too femme, because she wanted to be the feminine one.  I think she felt threatened or invalidated.  She never said that she would leave me, but she did say that she married a man.  All this contributed to it taking me so long to come out. I eased into it, too.  I was living as gender fluid for maybe 2 years before coming out as trans*.  It took a lot of open, honest, and often painful discussions, but we are in a very good place with my transition.  Once she realized that this is not a choice, she really got behind me.  She is my best friend and always has been.  It helps that we have both been in therapy for years now, so much of the time, we would work things out in our therapist's office - but we also talk at home a lot, too. 
We make time and effort to check in with each other fairly regularly and keep an open dialogue.  It takes a lot of work, but it's worth it.  I was scared at first that this might kill my marriage, but I couldn't keep living as someone that I'm not anymore.  Now things are pretty good and she makes comments to me about how pretty I look, and we share clothes now (well, we always have a little, but now she lets me wear the good stuff, and even gives me things to keep).  The biggest hurdle, aside from just coming out, has been HRT.  I didn't think I wanted to do it at first, but that changed quickly.  She was very nervous about it, as was I, but here we are, and so far so good
Anyway, this post is getting long now, so I apologize, but, YES, it was absolutely worth it! 
I've lost some people in my life, but honestly, good riddance to them.  I still have such a long way to go, but I'm feeling so much better now and am slowly learning to finally love myself.
It's going to be completely different for everyone, but I would suspect that if you approach the topic gently and slowly, your wife will support you.  I mean, you are still you, after all.  You won't know unless you try.  I hope the best for you, and there is a ton of support on here.
xo,
Rain