Joining here

[Sophia Tsukino]

Hello everyone. My name is Sophia and I'm 19 years old. Tsukino is not my surname, I just borrowed it from my favourite anime character since the username "Sophia" was alredy in use here.
To tell a bit about myself, I'm in the early stages of starting MtF transition, I'm really in the early stages as tomorrow will be just the 3rd visit to my doctor, but I'm really confused and have a lot of mixed feelings about this.
The problem is that I cannot safely vent with anyone as my parents are looking for anything I say to reply it's just a phase and I should stop everything, my friends just reply I'm scared and should push forward at max speed, my therapist doesn't seem to take me very seriously 'cause of my age and my "look" and I just don't understand myself completely. It doesn't help that my adolescence years have been very bad and almost traumatic for me.
So some weeks ago I discovered this forum and here I had the idea that maybe I could express myself freely without anyone imposing their judgement on me and without being conditionated by alredy knowing me and without the assumption they know everything about me (look above to understand what I'm talking about).
Now as much I'd like to continue talking here about my feelings, I'd also like to write in detail about them and also my past years as the way I feel now is linked to that as well, but maybe I should start a separate specific topic in a more appropriate section later for that, right?
One last thing, english is not my first language so if something I write isn't understandable please let me know.

[Laura_7]

I'd say try to relax...
Its a step by step process...
just take the next step.

you might have a look at the links there:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194986.msg1737439.html#msg1737439

Its up to you how fast you go...
you might start with easy reversible steps like changes to hair and clothing style...
second hand clothing could be a good source...

and you could look here:


your english is fine by the way...

[Sophia Tsukino]

Hi thank you for your reply. Yes you're right I should relax a bit, but it's something very difficoult to me, I can't think of a moment where I was honestly relaxed.
Thanks for posting the video, I checked others from the same channel and that definitely helped a bit.
My problem isn't really about what I really feel inside, because I know WHO I am, the problem is that I dunno if I should go for it or just acknowledge it on an emotional level and not doing it the physical level as well. I'm not talking just about apparence. This is for a lot of reasons and concerns I have, some caused from very negative episodes during my adolescence.
The fact that I cannot safely talk about my feelings out there has not helped, this is the main reason I registered here as well, as I've not been on any forums for years now.

[V M]

Hi Sophia 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's a few quick links to help you along

Please be sure to review

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Hugs

V M

[Laura_7]

Hi thank you for your reply. Yes you're right I should relax a bit, but it's something very difficoult to me, I can't think of a moment where I was honestly relaxed.
Thanks for posting the video, I checked others from the same channel and that definitely helped a bit.
My problem isn't really about what I really feel inside, because I know WHO I am, the problem is that I dunno if I should go for it or just acknowledge it on an emotional level and not doing it the physical level as well. I'm not talking just about apparence. This is for a lot of reasons and concerns I have, some caused from very negative episodes during my adolescence.
The fact that I cannot safely talk about my feelings out there has not helped, this is the main reason I registered here as well, as I've not been on any forums for years now.

In the vid she talks about low dose hormones.
This could be a way to try out if it helps psychologically.

Otherwise a good specialized gender therpist might help...

and the question:
would a bit more female body make you more happy ?

how would you like to be perceived ?

And you don't have to feel female all the time.


*hugs*

[Sophia Tsukino]

Low dose hormones is not something I can do until some months. This is how it works at least in my country, I'm at this "specialized" center and they have their rules, I've seen other transexual women on youtube from my city that have gone there and explained how long (and expensive!) the process is before they are ok and direct you to an endo. So until then only psychological therapy.
A friend of mine has a transexual sister and has let me talk to her. She explained that when she did this things were slighty different. She explained to me that there are endos that could give me hormones (actually she encouraged me to go this way), but she also explained that when the center found she went to an endo before they told her to she had a lot of problems with them. I can't afford to lose the support of this center, so I decided to just continue seeing the therapist there and follow their rules. Tomorrow I should be put on the waiting list of all the medical examination I have to do before they consider directing me to an endo.
About my body I wish I was fully female. Some of my concerns are from the way I look right now too. Basically I'm androgynous (sometimes I alredy pass as a girl lol), but I don't like myself right now. The first thing I'm going to do is facial hair removal. I can't stand them and I know I'd never regret doing that even if in the end I decide not to transition. Tomorrow I'll talk to my therapist about this too, and I should be able to do this without having problem with them.
I want to be perceived as a female. I am SO happy when strangers address me as a girl lol. I love that most of my friends are supportive of this and address me as a female. Some of them had no shame introducing me to their friends as a female. On the other hand I feel hurt when some of them and my family still address me as a boy, or at school where for obvious reason I didn't mention this (even tought it's pretty obvious since I always wear eyeliner and nail polish lol)
I feel female, but I'm worried about what life could change into if I transition. Not that I have much to lose, but it could become even harder and after attempted suicide at age 16, and been recovered in hospital for depression three times I don't if I have the strenght.
Thanks again for your reply, and I dunno if I wrote too much for an introduction topic and should continue in a different section. Also thanks V M for welcoming me as well

[Laura_7]

Keep on writing... writing helps...

well many peope experience relief after being on hormones...
and if you have a supportive therapist that should help also...

its a step by step process...
just keep going, many others have succeeded, too 


*hugs*

[Sophia Tsukino]

I still don't trust so much my therapist. It might be because it takes time (a lot of time) to trust someone, but I feel that he's not taking me very seriosuly, for a number of reasons. Because of how I look, because I'm so young, because I have trouble speaking about myself and my feelings. I really hope I'm wrong about this.
Tomorrow, actually today, it's 5 am here in my country (lol just couldnt sleep this night), I'll feel better talking to him.
What really scares me is not the medical examination, but the psychiatric examination the center demands. I know from other experiences they will be this doctor asking the most embarazzing and straight forward questions, with other doctors just staring there. Since I am so anxious I dunno how I will be able to reply. Also the written quiz they'll give (and only this will cost 500€...). I'm so scared that for some reasons they will not let me go forward, because of my age, or because I can't answer properly or because of what happaned in the past. You see, I don't know if I am strong enough to go forward, and have other issues on why I shouldn't too, but inside I wish it so much I trouble myself into thinking what if they won't allow me.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Sophia,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

Keep up the good work with your open communication. Just remember this journey is not a sprint, it's a marathon. So sit back relax, strap yourself in fr the roller coaster ride of your life.. Enjoy and embrace it. It's all about you.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Sophia Tsukino]

Thank you for your welcome!

[kelseygal]

Sophia, very big welcome! I don't really have anything meaningful to add for you because... I am a noob (for lack of a better turn). But I wish you much luck and success.

Laura_7... that video you posted shocked me. It was like hearing a description of myself 
Thank you for posting that. I almost LOL'ed when she said something to the effect of '...you are searching trans... cisgenders don't do that'

[Laura_7]

Thank you for posting that. I almost LOL'ed when she said something to the effect of '...you are searching trans... cisgenders don't do that'

I had that a few times:
now that you are reading this...
you watching this movie...
etc...
every time nice to hear 

[Sharon Anne McC]

*

Sophia:

According to my psycho-therapist's recent report of me, he sustains the validity of my transsexualism:

   -  'As a child she told her female friends that she "is" a girl.  It is clear that she knows who she is.'

   -  'She perceives herself as "the little sister".'

   -  'Across her lifespan, her female identity has been persistent, insistent, and consistent.'

   -  'She expresses great pleasure having her surgery.'

His assessment bears similarities to the statements of the thread's video defining what is transgendered.

Of course I am an easy case.  Many people fall into grey areas of varying states of inconsistency as well as their own self-doubts.  This point being that is why it is important to work with your counsellor to explore where you belong.

*

[vanderpn]

Welcome, Sophia. I hope you're doing well.

I can relate to your concerns about the psychiatric side of things. I experience anxiety and depression, partially influenced by my struggles with gender. So, I've seen a variety of therapists. With a lot of them it's been hard to even address gender, because they were too concerned about my other psychological issues. Recently, I've found a trans-positive therapist, and that's helped a lot even with only two visits. I don't know if you have any other options regarding therapy, but it might be worth doing some research if you aren't happy where you are. It takes me a long time to open up to someone too, so I understand your struggle.

In the meantime, I'd say using these forums is a great way to practice expressing yourself verbally and defining exactly how you feel. I wish you the best on your ongoing journey 

[Laura_7]

Welcome, Sophia. I hope you're doing well.

I can relate to your concerns about the psychiatric side of things. I experience anxiety and depression, partially influenced by my struggles with gender. So, I've seen a variety of therapists. With a lot of them it's been hard to even address gender, because they were too concerned about my other psychological issues. Recently, I've found a trans-positive therapist, and that's helped a lot even with only two visits. I don't know if you have any other options regarding therapy, but it might be worth doing some research if you aren't happy where you are. It takes me a long time to open up to someone too, so I understand your struggle.

In the meantime, I'd say using these forums is a great way to practice expressing yourself verbally and defining exactly how you feel. I wish you the best on your ongoing journey 

This could be interesting:

[Claire]

I showed my therapist the videos from the person above and was not very impressed my the woman in the videos. She said everything was basically  what you could easily find anywhere with no real insight. Her opinion was that they were essentially ads for a therapist of dubious credentials and given her age probably has very little real experience.
That being said, there is some information there.


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