More dysphoria than ever

[Kylie1]

Has anyone experienced more dysphoria by coming to Susan's?  I think this place is wonderful and maybe seeing all the success makes me feel further away than ever.  Maybe jealousy or envy . I feel like throwing myself on the ground and having a great big fat tantrum, kicking crying, the whole thing.  I don't know if I've awakened my inner desires more than ever or what.  I guess I was wondering if anyone else went through this after finding this wonderfully supportive place?
XX

[Ms Grace]

Can't say that it did. Although I know hearing about people going through stuff (good and bad) completely changed my perspective on what it meant to be transgender - it made me feel better because I knew I wasn't alone, that I wasn't the only one going through this. In fact I was astounded by how many others there were and how similar some of their issues were to mine.

[Kylie1]

I have found comfort in that too, just knowing I'm not alone.  I think looking at the dichotomy of my physical and social self compared to the success stories I've seen and read here at Susan's I think makes me feel further away from myself than ever.  If that makes sense.

[Mariah]

Kylie when I first joined it didn't help. You see people that are ahead of you and you get jealous and anxious because their achieving what you can't just so as a result it reminds you of everything that is wrong. So as a result I can totally understand where your coming from. It should improve as you progress. Hugs
Mariah

[Rachel]

A wise moderator once said do not be jealous of one thing be jealous of everything.

There is a beautiful girl I see weekly at group. I like you was jealous of how HRT transformed her and the support she had form home. Then one night she was talking about her HIV. She is so young and I felt so bad for her. I could go on with a lot of examples.

I think for me what makes a huge difference is forward motion in my transition. It really makes a difference when you have a goal and accomplish it then acknowledge the success and go to the next goal.

[Shads]

Susan's has been a doubled edge sword for me since joining.  I was feeling low and hurting inside before I joined.  Sometimes I feel 5x worse, other times that inner pain is less.

This site has got me asking myself so many more questions that I didn't know that I needed to ask myself.  Sometimes the answers are clear to me, other times they are not.

I take comfort that they are others around with similar feelings to me and that I am not alone. 

[Kylie1]

Thanks Ladies,  you gals always bring a bit of comfort.  I think the desperate feelings of wanting to scream to the world that I'm really a woman become so powerful it's unbearable!  I think feeling how I do, but hearing how masculine I am kills me.  Hearing things like "Jesus what size shoe do you wear?" And good god!  "You could sell shade in the summer" or "I love your big square jaw"    
I think coming here and getting hope, then facing the world and the truth are crippling sometimes.
Xx

[Jayne01]

Ditto what Shads said!!

Jayne

[Qrachel]

Dear Kylie:

My first several months I was more confronted by my peers than a scared cat.  It took a while for me to not think I was entering the land of the ________ (you fill in the blank - I probably had that experience too).  Truly, being in a support group or hanging out in any way with the "T's" was difficult.  I just couldn't resolve the dissonance between my old self and all these "different" people - not very generous but there it was!

With therapy, time and some amazingly gracious trans people I found my place in the community.  I hope this helps!

Love and welcome to a wonderful life,

Rachel

[genevie]

Timid though I am, I've noted everything helps and everything hurts. Talking about my feelings sometimes make it better but other times much worse. Admitting to another who I am in a safe place helps. Seeing great looking women who have transitioned helps until I look in the mirror. Seeing less successful women, well, just doesn't do either. My fears, and they are legion, include one that I'll always look like a guy in a dress. That's why I don't dress now. It used to help. Now it doesn't. As a friend always says, it is a long process. Do what you can when you can. That is my mantra. Being able to talk here, and that took a very long time, does help. Conclusion? Watching and reading is both helpful and not so much at times. Contributing seems to always help. Thanks to all for that.