Feeling alone and confused

[Videl]

My husband came out to me last week saying that he would like a sex change. He said that he is male and identifies as a male but wants a vagina to feel right. He said this is a feeling he's had since before we even started dating 12 years ago. I am upset that he kept this from me for this long, but I understand why. I have bi-polar disorder and he did not want me to get depressed. He said he regrets telling me because of how I am internally obsessing over this and am obviously depressed. I feel alone because I don't have anyone I can talk to. I don't want to out him to my friends. As a bisexual female, I can understand if he doesn't want them to know. Also, I don't know how I feel about having sex in the future. I told him that I love him and accept him no matter what, even if it means changing. He said he wants to have biological children the natural way before changing. Right now I can't see myself having sex for a long time due to him telling me that he cannot orgasm unless he imagines himself as having a vagina. I feel guilty having one and feel like he may be jealous of me having a vagina. Someone please just talk to me. I'm so confused and alone and I don't know where else to go for support besides my psychiatrist who recommended therapy for him and as a couple.

[Hyperduck_23]

Yep, definitely sounds like your husband has some stuff that he needs to work through with a gender therapist.

From your side of things, the best thing you can do is be supportive, ask questions, express your concerns and recognise that, in sharing this with you, he's put a lot of trust in you. Internalising things and feeling bad for having a vagina isn't going to help you, him or the situation....it's not your fault that you were both born with the genitals you were born with; those sort of thoughts are most likely more symptomatic of the massive thing that has been shared with you and your brain trying to make sense of it.

If you're wanting to stay with him then the absolute best thing you can do is be supportive and give him the space to figure out what's going on. Don't make it about you; whilst it does effect you, massively, and there will be issues that are thrown up as a result of this which you'll want to deal with that your husband will need to support you through, his genital dysphoria isn't anything you are responsible for or should feel guilty for.

It sounds like you're having a rough time, I'd imagine your husband is as well, but the main thing to take away from this is that he trusts you enough to confide this in you and your relationship sounds like it is strong enough so that you feel confident in supporting him through it.

Obviously, I'm not a therapist and I dont know everything about your situation; see a professional as soon as possible, as a couple and separately

[Laura_7]

First, have a *hug*

Try to calm down, things will be all right.

If they have support from a gender therapist, they should be on a way to find out what they want.
There is a transgender spectrum, there is a spectrum of possibilities.

here are some resources:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

I'd say don't take things personal... just be you, and communicate with each other.

Well... if you have a vagina be happy... and over time they will find out what they want, too...
just enjoy what you have...

and if you have questions keep asking...

by the way there is also a chat on susans...


big *hugs*

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's place. First, don't feel guilt as you didn't have a clue when you married. I always hope couple stay together and many do but you will need to take care of yourself first. As for your husband, many of us fear appearing in public as the opposite gender so we try to imagine a future where we can have our cake and eat it. Often that isn't what we really want and as we receive therapy we find what we truly desire. Most of the time once we are over our fears we want a full transition. Unless your husband is willing to experiment with the other role, there is little you can do other than show your love. We all want a quick easy fix but that doesn't happen. We need to clean up years of depression, pain and fitting social norms to find the life that will truly make us happy. Continue posting to this thread as people who have posted here will be notified of your post and will return to see if they can add anything.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy