I'm not feeling good about life these days...

[iKate]

Well over the past weeks or so, I felt... I dunno.

It isn't about my appearance, passing or anything. That is really not a problem right now.

It is about my life situation...

Honestly I wonder what the heck I will do after it's all said and done. Will anyone date a (then) almost 40 year old trans woman? I mean, Lynn Conway found happiness, but... she's Lynn Conway.

I'm not interested in women, not cis or trans. I wouldn't mind a trans man or a cis man. Must be straight though, and view me as a woman as I am not a gay man. 

And when my kids grow up, what happens? Now they seem fine, they still call me daddy but eventually the full extent of my transition will be evident to them and maybe peer pressure will drive them away from me. What about any potential partner... I know some are iffy about kids to begin with.

That's really what I don't feel good about.

I fear that I may end up alone.

I have to take my kids places, alone now, and probably have to explain to people. Places such as birthday parties and field trips.

But oddly enough I am 100% at peace with who I am. I am undoubtedly a woman. Even my friends who were skeptical in the beginning are not now, at least that is what they tell me. Some tell me that they would never know I was trans if they didn't know me because above all I carry myself as a woman would. There are many people in my circle who simply do not know. I prefer to keep it that way. I don't mind telling them but I really don't make it an everyday topic.

You know what happened in wal-mart the other day? I was in wal-mart and a lady was pushing her cart. I told the kids to step aside, then the lady started commenting on how the kids were. My wife told them to step aside... the lady said, "listen to your mommies." Ummm okay! I have no idea how that happened other than she viewed me as a woman, but really...

There are little things that keep piling on - one of our cars broke down last week (while my wife was driving it). Cash flow seems like a real problem as expensive repair after expensive repair comes up. This week it's the house, next week it's the car, even my lawn mower doesn't catch a break. What next? I have given up several luxuries - cable TV, eating out less often now, etc. I don't even see my therapist anymore. I am overdue for laser too but my face is smooth enough that a quick shave every week or so does it for me.

Sometimes I just do not know.

Maybe I'll be better in a few months. This tends to come and go. All part of my life.

[Squircle]

I think it's fairly common to go through phases where life just loses its sparkle a bit. Transition provides focus and obstacles to overcome and once those are out of the way (or at least nearing an end) it's only natural to think 'what now?'. The truth is though no one can know what's going to happen, who you might meet, where life will take you.

I don't expect that you intend to spend any prolonged period of time shutting yourself away so I'm sure just by meeting new people and doing new things, opportunities will come. I know enough happy trans people in relationships to know it is perfectly possible. 

[stephaniec]

it happens , I've got my own list here  but it might force the servers to shut down then  everyone would blame me for not being able to get on Susan's.

[suzifrommd]

Hugs Kate. You're an interesting, intelligent, loving person. You're a very valuable human being.

You're also a middle-aged woman, so you're facing the same problem all of us do. Men are very visual and we're not much to look at.

Finding meaning and connection in our lives is a constant challenge. There are men out there for us, but it's a challenge to meet them. I'm sort of in the same boat as you. OTOH, finding meaning is challenging for everyone, even cis women who are happily married.

Some say the journey itself provides the meaning. I'm not sure how helpful that is, but I'm trying to go with that in my own life.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

What do you call a female parent?

Mom.

I think Trans people are often, through some kind of internalised transphobia, not prepared to accept this.

Everytime my  kids call me mom...  It makes me glow.  It gets me through.

Btw,  my situation is much like yours other than the mom thing. I have a lovely boyfriend,  he affirms my identify and treats me right, very right.  I met him after transition, he knew about me. I get plenty offers besides. Think about it this way....  Being trans reduces your dating pool, but most of what it gets rid of is the chaff, the junk,  the rubbish. It's like your own personal idiot filter.

[iKate]

What do you call a female parent?

Mom.

I think Trans people are often, through some kind of internalised transphobia, not prepared to accept this.

Everytime my  kids call me mom...  It makes me glow.  It gets me through.

Btw,  my situation is much like yours other than the mom thing. I have a lovely boyfriend,  he affirms my identify and treats me right, very right.  I met him after transition, he knew about me. I get plenty offers besides. Think about it this way....  Being trans reduces your dating pool, but most of what it gets rid of is the chaff, the junk,  the rubbish. It's like your own personal idiot filter.

Well, that works except it makes their other mom upset. She thinks it somehow diminishes her role.

I don't mind that label of mom or mum though. It's just that I don't want her to feel that she is lesser because of me. At times I can be the more "fun" parent because I play and we do fun stuff like astronomy and playing outside. They have been very affectionate with me from day 0, I mean day 0 because I was there from birth, throughout the NICU stay and now. I want to be there forever with them.

Thanks for sharing.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

Do children of lesbian couples have two half moms?  No.  They have two moms.  The fact there are two doesn't take away from the other.  That's mis thinking.

Whatever you do though,  you can get what you want. Not all of what you want, all the time,  but that's everyone else too!  It is possible. Hugs x

[KristinaM]

You could also be going through your period, lol.  I get an emotional breakdown every few weeks that lasts for a couple days or so.  Hang tight and see how things go next week!

Aside from that though, our daughter is only 6 weeks old now, and we're trying to go with mamma and babba (pronounced bah-bah) instead of dad, dadda, or daddy.  So I suppose eventually I might be called bob or bobby (like mom or mommy), but either way, lol.  I hope to get to where we're called Mommy-J and Mommy-K for our first initials.  I understand where your wife is coming from though.  Mine was adamant about her being mom, mommy, mamma, etc...  It was like I was trying to usurp her title from her.  Not that I was trying to diminish her in any way, but calling me dad, daddy, or father just seems like the wrong way to go since we can direct this from the beginning with her.  We're working through it.

I wish the best for you.  I heard somewhere that a lot of times the transition becomes what we live for, and when that's complete, there can be a big hole in our lives to fill.  Don't let that happen, find some hobbies and distractions if you don't have any.

I get the piling on thing too!  It seems like whenever life is going good for me, something comes along to knock me back down.  The past 2 months have been medical bills.  Baby delivery of course, but I've had tons and tons of doctor appointments at a $50 copay each because they're specialists.  Plus treatments and deductibles and misfilings with my insurance, it's really getting out of hand.  (Short story: I have MS and have had basically 3 relapses in the last 2 months.  This week?  I'm going blind in the left eye, yay!  LOL)

Hang tight, we'll get through this.  🙂

[Ⓥ]

I heard somewhere that a lot of times the transition becomes what we live for, and when that's complete, there can be a big hole in our lives to fill.  Don't let that happen, find some hobbies and distractions if you don't have any.

Yeah, you do it all, get SRS and then you just watch 'Survivor' reruns and eat ice cream right out of the tub; it's horrible.

Ria, you said before you're not even thinking of relationships until you've gotten SRS because you'd be a "gay man" if you were pre-op with a man.  In another thread you said the word "soon" as far as a relationship.  What gives, or what has changed?

Also, your kids are going to love you no matter what.  Kids who are in their teens, going through puberty and at the peak of teen rebelliousness eventually come around if they first reject the notion of a parent transitioning (not ALWAYS of course, but...).  How much more will your babies be accepting of what they literally grew up with?  Furthermore, how much more will the world have changed by the time your kids are in their teens?  Ponder this, and realize:  There's no worries.

[Rachel]

Hi Kate,

what you bring up are most likely each worse case, so there is a best case for each too and then there is the future reality. You have a second chance at life and what you make of it. You are pretty and outgoing so I would not look narrowly into the future.

[Jessie Ann]

Honestly I wonder what the heck I will do after it's all said and done.
Girl we all wonder that.  The best advice I can give is to just live your life as you.

Will anyone date a (then) almost 40 year old trans woman?
Yes

I wouldn't mind a trans man or a cis man. Must be straight though, and view me as a woman as I am not a gay man. 
Girl by the time you are through hormone treatment and GCS everyone will view you as a woman, as you say most already do.

And when my kids grow up, what happens?
That is a question all parents ask.
Now they seem fine...maybe peer pressure will drive them away from me.
And that can happen to non-trans parents also
What about any potential partner... I know some are iffy about kids to begin with.
That is something every divorced parent has to face, some get very lucky, like my parents who both found wonderful partners after their divorce.

I fear that I may end up alone.
That is something I feared when I got divorced (long before I transitioned) and then I found someone who is sticking by me as I have transitioned.  But that fear is still there in my mind, what if my girlfriend decides she can not deal with it anymore, will I be alone???

But oddly enough I am 100% at peace with who I am. I am undoubtedly a woman.  There are many people in my circle who simply do not know. I prefer to keep it that way. I don't mind telling them but I really don't make it an everyday topic.
This is what so many people in our community strive for so rejoice that you have achieved it.

There are little things that keep piling on - one of our cars broke down last week (while my wife was driving it). Cash flow seems like a real problem as expensive repair after expensive repair comes up. This week it's the house, next week it's the car, even my lawn mower doesn't catch a break. What next? I have given up several luxuries - cable TV, eating out less often now, etc. I don't even see my therapist anymore. I am overdue for laser too but my face is smooth enough that a quick shave every week or so does it for me.
Girl these are the things that just about everyone has to face.  I had much of those problems when I was going through my divorce.  I had to pay rent for my separate house, pay my ex child support and spousal support.  I had to borrow thousands of dollars from my parents just to get by.  Eventually, things got better, until I decided I needed to transition.  Things will get better again soon.

Sometimes I just do not know.

Maybe I'll be better in a few months. This tends to come and go. All part of my life.

Just keep the faith baby and things will be better.  Sometimes you never know when and where the change will occur you just wake up one day and everything is somehow better.   Remember to stay focused on the positive, if you let too much negativity control your thinking it can really interfere with your day to day life and the responsibilities that come along with it.

Hugs to you girl

[Kellam]

I'm so sorry you're down right now, life gets to all of us and you certainly have a full life. It will be better than you are feeling right now. I am a worry wort myself and always conceive of the worst possible outcomes. it sounds like you have let it all get on top of you. Just give yourself some space and some care.

[Kibi]

Wishing you my best.  I really hope you find your path.  Do not get hung up on the little things, and focus on what makes you happy, or what drives you.

[Dena]

My surgery was delayed over a year because I lost my job and need to to save more money. Eating out? Once a week Dairy Queen for a Hamburger and Fries. After work I would return to my apartment and read or watch over the air TV. Yes there are hard times but the effort was worth it. After surgery my life was far different than I ever thought it would be but I still enjoyed it and in many ways it was far better than anything I might have thought of. That life ended two year ago and I am now in the process of building a new life. It will contain some of the old life but exactly the form the new life with take, I don't know. Life is very uncertain but I think you will find the happiness you desire.