My own personal RLE.

[Swayallday]

So after coming to terms with trans.
I find it a bit too much to go with the HRT route (as much as i'd love it!). It's simply not possible for me at the moment.
(being forced in the other role for one year)

Buuuutttt I totally forgot how much fun it is meeting people. After being here for a short while I noticed there are so many awesome people I still want to meet in life.

There is also still too much reading to do for self-acceptance / understanding it as a whole.
Too many cultural notions & ingrained habits which can't be simply be undone by one year.

And so I will start with volunteering in the local LGBTQIA.../Cool people xD - communities here. 
Truely I forgot how outgoing I used to be and I believe i'll be so much more at ease with people around me who've also have had similar thoughts, experiences or are just open-minded.
I want to make friends and hopefully build enough confidence to start transitioning myself. Daily life might prove difficult.

Coming out online and being on various forums & chatrooms has helped me tremendously. Wonderful people you all are<3 but as long as I don't translate it to reality I will be stuck in my own rigid thinking! I've had enough doses of hefty realism and realize this won't be easy... but it's what I want so besides all what this entails it's mostly myself holding it back.

Furthermore i've stopped using most drugs. I still sometimes drink because most social circles revolve around it. Not in the week anymore though (not that that justifies anything)
Came out to my mother.
I quit nailbiting!
I've *finally* started shaving.
Growing my hair out long again<3
A little jar where I keep all my change dubbed "awsum clothing jar"   ﾍ(￣▽￣*)ﾉ

Not that these little things matter much but I do firmly believe in the butterfly effect Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

I suppose this will be a journal of sorts where I will actively followup my own progress; from things that made me love; from things that made me cry.

I wish you all the best(n˘v˘•)¬.

[Valwen]

the little things are often the most important, and the big things are often over and done with so fast you may not even remember them.

[Swayallday]

Progress progress... "Should I go further like this or take my chances" is what's on my mind lately. I feel no matter what I try, or do, even things that I do naturally... They don't make me a girl... yet.

I can be
and
I could be

keeps me going .

A few excerpts of this "RLE" i'm making up.

+
Talking with girls has improved
I'm a bit less anxious
I now want to find a job and work towards a wardrobe.
Drug usage is on and off, just alcohol
Genderneutral language
WHOA MAKEUP IS AWESOME

-
People think i'm gay
Friend who i've partied with since 14 says my laugh and general way of speaking will never get me girls.
I'm an easy target sometimes in conversations taking the blame for things I haven't done.
I still drink alcohol.
WHOA I SUCK AT MAKEUP

Ive been contemplating therapy now, I mean, it's been nothing with shame anymore i've dubbed RLE "Elephantskin"  xD... I don't even want to know how it's going to be when I present more feminine too, I have a few pieces which could be categorized dubiously male/female at best but i'm tired of using crutches for this internal feeling that keeps persisting.

~Coming out.
I've told my mother but haven't spoke to her anymore, a few things happened in my life that motivated me to tell her more about all this but I don't want to burden her even more. Sweetheart she is though. She bought me the cutest shoes today.

Indirectly i've come out to two friends:
I did a dress-up with a girlfriend when I was younger. I looked a bit silly but remember it fondly because the dress was absolutely gorgeous... Naturally I wanted to take pictures haha.
Sadly i'm a bit careless and the pictures were just on my computer so my friend at the time saw them.

Now he's always used this against me kinda like this:

UNLIIIIMMMIIITTTEEEDDD POWWWAAAAHHHH
But he never really told anyone really, just "threatened" ?

Like a week back or so, I guess people start noticing stuff cause I talk to girls but I also shave my legs and been respecting my body again (omg, obviously gay !)

It happened! I was a bit scared in anticipation when he uttered the words of "this picture"
But I snubbed him off and told my friends the pictures entailed me looking fabulous in a gorgeous dress. Better that the words come out of my mouth then him turning it into a joke.
Didn't really get a response but no laughter either so that's... Okay I guess.

Spooky really... I think I really am too girly sometimes...

To go further on ~Elephantskin.

I still drink because of social life and trying to warm people up to my transition. Last weekend we went to psytrance party and I could only remember me dancing and everything being okay. Apparently I took "x" and "y" and I ended up pretty far out ;-).

So today it's my best friends bday today and I go there and a few of my friends are there also and suddenly bday guy reminces on the party and I get called out on a few things that night, apparenty I joined some girls in a situation where I shouldn't be joining girls. Ack.

Then this happens, I was quite... myself tonight and my friend ask for fire and I throw it and they throw it back I catch and all of a sudden they say i'm a disgrace and both start laughing at me. I suck it up, start talking to my other friends then they start pelting ice cubes at me... I throw on my deeper voice (I kinda "stock" sometimes and my laugh and tone is sometimes quite high) and they quit it: tells me enough these are not the people I should come out too.

afterwards we have conversations and randomly they say we should go to a gaybar! Silly me tells them "yuuup, i'm always in for free drinks/getting treated" ... Then they all laugh and icepeltguys say they should congratulate me... Ugh they just keep thinking i'm gay, I don't get it.

I guess what i'm trying to say here is: my social life completely revolves around these things. This may just be the biggest challenge yet, I find I should stay completely sober. I really wouldn't want any chemical altering the effectiveness of HRT... It will also help with not relapsing to anything else.

I hope so hard I can get HRT and just answer questions when things start to show but I doubt any therapist will allow it off the bat. I should try first before saying such things though. Getting a "no" would be too much to bear though:\
http://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aKB74rO_460sv.mp4
I feel this will be the reality soon enough. So yeah HRT would help a lot.

All in all... This is tough. 
Not really sure where to go from here.


I can work, spend all my savings on trying to salvage this social life and start buying things I like. Like slowly repay people for all the good things they've done for me, slowly but surely change my clothing style and let them accomodate.

I could also leave everything far behind and start a new life.
The latter is becoming increasingly more attractive.

y'know
I never thought i'd say it...
But the social class I belong too, I think it's not going to allow transition.
I'm unsure how to get out of it too. Blegh, i'm not materialistic or anything but money certainly paves an easier way towards transition.

The amount of work my parents have done to give me and my siblings a good life is astonishing and only induces respect in me.
but in comparison of what my friends do...
Like people will only respect me if I have a good company running or working some high-end job... Rather then "passing by" in life.

I know that is a very pathetic excuse. I always thought I was quite autonomous towards societies expectations...

When I was younger I did a gender-neutral sport and all the people their parents that played it were pretty "well off" or atleast "intelligent" ...
Now in this sport they kind of let me wear a skirt from time to time when there weren't enough girls to fill in positions.
looking back at it, there were always enough girls lol.
it's painstakingly obvious that they knew I was transgender long before I realized it. (this is one of many things that happened)

Oh well, if you want something, you need to work for it yourself.
It just gets to me at times the amount of sheer emotion I put in this haha.
i'm probably seeing things that aren't there and projecting trans on everything.
Or blindsighted by age and lack of experience
Just needed to write a bit...

Untill next time !
Hopefully, a tad different ;-)

[KristinaM]

If you don't feel comfortable coming out to your friends, then as much as I hate to say it, you should find new friends.  I'm "fortunate" enough to not have very many close friends who know the old me.  I have acquaintance friends that know the old me and don't know the new me yet, but I have so many new friends now that ONLY know the new me and the pleasure that brings me is immeasurable.  Sure it was scary at first, but they accept me as me and I can just be me, no need to hide ANYTHING from them.

As for the "acquaintance" friends, I'll tell them in time and they'll either stay my friends or we'll part ways, but it won't be difficult for me to see them go.

Time for the ubiquitous "drugs are bad" speech.  I won't say much because it sounds like you already know.  But here goes.  DRUGS ARE BAD.  So there, stop. 

We always have the option of changing who we choose to hang out with.  You can't as easily change who you work with or who you live with, but your time outside of work and home are completely up to you.  What other interests do you have or would you like to cultivate?  Find some local "Meetup" groups or Facebook groups with similar interests and just venture forth into the world!  There's plenty of people out there who will gladly be your friend and not judge you for the path you're on!

[Swayallday]

If you don't feel comfortable coming out to your friends, then as much as I hate to say it, you should find new friends.  I'm "fortunate" enough to not have very many close friends who know the old me.  I have acquaintance friends that know the old me and don't know the new me yet, but I have so many new friends now that ONLY know the new me and the pleasure that brings me is immeasurable.  Sure it was scary at first, but they accept me as me and I can just be me, no need to hide ANYTHING from them.

As for the "acquaintance" friends, I'll tell them in time and they'll either stay my friends or we'll part ways, but it won't be difficult for me to see them go.

Time for the ubiquitous "drugs are bad" speech.  I won't say much because it sounds like you already know.  But here goes.  DRUGS ARE BAD.  So there, stop. 

We always have the option of changing who we choose to hang out with.  You can't as easily change who you work with or who you live with, but your time outside of work and home are completely up to you.  What other interests do you have or would you like to cultivate?  Find some local "Meetup" groups or Facebook groups with similar interests and just venture forth into the world!  There's plenty of people out there who will gladly be your friend and not judge you for the path you're on!

If a flower doesn't grow or blossom you change the enviroment. Not the flower!

I've been taking steps towards choosing my own life. It means cutting of my parents so i'm in a bit of a rough position right now.

I just need to write this somewhere because these are thoughts no social worker or therapist will ever hear.

However i'm happy, i'm liberated.

I do think I can come out to my friends, and, right now I really need them.
But it's not the time yet.
I think my friends are mostly angry because they believe i'm gay and that i'm afraid of coming out of them.
The moment i'm standing on my own two legs, I will tell basically everyone. I don't really mind anymore, I just want to be a girl ;-).

Now the painful part, telling a social worker my story so I can get out of here will include my parents getting invited.

I'm sure my stepdad will adress that I dress like a girl and put on makeup as if i'm mentally ill.

But i've given these people so much chances! I just want to be me.

I'd rather not have my trans* get outted infront of other people before I have an education or job but if the tables turn like that i'll play along with the mentally ill card and just suggest a gender therapist (bhahaha xD)

Hopefully by friday.

But listening to the stories of my friends with similar experiences it will be a few weeks.

i'm sorry this all isn't really trans-related. I'm getting there.

I did visit two clothing stores today and eased myself into the womens section.

Beautiful pencilskirts! I've atleast one on my wishlist now 

[Laura_7]

here is a brochure that might be shown, by a reputable source... the british national health serive...
stating being trans has biological connections...
so its nobodys fault... not an upbringing or whatever...
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf

wish you luck 

you could try second hand stores... or have a look at a local paper, there often are local markets once a week or month...


hugs

[Swayallday]

Thanks Laura . I've had those in mind aswell but alas no money or income.

I went to a hospital with a Transgender info point. Woke up at 5am, arrived at 10 
I'll have you know I only walked past there a whopping 16 times before entering!

I was very reluctant because I had so many questions to ask! When I write it out, on paper or online, I feel so open and acceptive of these emotions but I just had to translate it to reality.

A female student (stunning one at that!) entered the room shortly after I started speaking, he pondered if I were ok with it and as much as it hurt I felt compelled to let her hear my issues anyhow.

All in all I didn't find the answers to any questions since I was surely too defensive, I did find a lot of literature and received a few brochures. Also a redirection towards someone with experience revolving TG.

Also foremost my biggest question got answered:
Ten years ago it would have been unheard of for the binary to be crossed but he really made it out to be those days are over and there is support growing for anyone on the spectrum, even for hormonal or surgical stuff despite not feeling one or the other.

That's cool but...
Sadly I had hoped I could get hormones there.
I just wish to be a woman
I know i'm not...
but...
could I please? 

Rest of the weekend was spent at a girlfriends house (which I got to know through some gay friends xd) and I partied untill sunday. I was remarkably fine around her untill I got to her bedroom and saw her dresser. wah.

I came out to them so I suppose i'm starting to accept myself?

Next step is support groups and that letter. I hope.

[Swayallday]

uhhhh in the meanwhile i've been doing little things that make me happy
still don't feel I can come out to my friendgroup at home...

buuuttt I did act overtly girly the past month or so and tried to work on my voice.
it's been a good experience to notice whom is down to earth and whom is ->-bleeped-<- x')
all in all i've now attained super-uber-duper-gay-status
I can work with that:p

I also went to a first therapy session but panicked way too much and didn't really get far into it...
mostly because i still had excuses left

buuutt today marks a day of some sort that changes a lot of things

Life is good, life is great.
Always love, never hate.
Break the rules, stand apart.
Ignore your head, follow your heart.

💕