today was a good and a bad day i guess.
i went to see my new doctor. he was very nice. he really is only to deal with my medication for my depression but we spoke about my background and reasons for being depressed etc and i wanted to say 'i am in the wrong body'. i really want to tell someone. i want to tell my counsellor. i get on great with her and she is so nice. but everytime i go to tell someone i feel i can trust it just doesnt come out, something pulls me back and stops me. i think 'what if... what if... what if...' and i think 'how will ... react' and 'what about...'! i just want to get it all out and start to sort it out but i dont feel strong enough
i am very unsure of what to do. i dont know what i should do or what i want to do.
i feel so depressed right now.
on a good note after i went to the doctor i went out with my dad because he had the day off work. it was good to spend time together, just me and him. really helped to lift my mood and to stop me thinking about all of the worries i have etc.
when i got home my mum was home from going out and i had bought my nephew and neices some little toys. my mum said to me, 'you spoil them kids you know! when you have your own children they are going to have everything!' and i automatically said, 'if i even have kids' and she said, 'of course you will' i went quiet. my mum said, 'you will be a great mother' and i just said 'hmmm'
so its been a bit of a mix today but not been too bad
