Stealth sex

[JacobDavis55]

I really need some advice and I don't know who to talk to. A while back I had stealth sex with a girl using a prosthetic. She has no idea. I feel really guilty because I fell in love with her and she loves me a lot. I don't know how to tell her or what I should do. I'm scared to how she might react. I know she loves me but I think that's a pretty big secret to keep from someone. It's been almost a year and she still doesn't know. Someone please help. She knows I'm transgender but she thinks I had surgery. I know I shouldn't have lied. All I want to do is fix this

[Jessica Merriman]

I have seen this topic more than I wish. Question back to you. How can you have a relationship built on deception? Unfortunately you risk losing all now because you were not truthful. No way to unring this bell just tell her the truth and hope she is more understanding than you were honest. Sorry, no easier way to say it.

[Laura_7]

I really need some advice and I don't know who to talk to. A while back I had stealth sex with a girl using a prosthetic. She has no idea. I feel really guilty because I fell in love with her and she loves me a lot. I don't know how to tell her or what I should do. I'm scared to how she might react. I know she loves me but I think that's a pretty big secret to keep from someone. It's been almost a year and she still doesn't know. Someone please help. She knows I'm transgender but she thinks I had surgery. I know I shouldn't have lied. All I want to do is fix this

This is what I'd do... its up to you...

Look... this is simply a weak point.
You might admit that you had a moment of weakness, tell her that you love her and ask if she can forgive...

we all have weak moments. Its how we react to it that shows who we are.

I'd say be truthful... tell her you like her... have flowers ready... and try to make up by showing affection...

much later you might even keep it playful... saying she can choose the size until you really had surgery...


hugs

[Mariah]

Hi Jacob, welcome to Susan's. What I will tell you is that I have been completely open and honest with my boyfriend, but that doesn't meant that you need to be with your girlfriend. If you feel like you need to share it with her then by all means do. Whatever you do you need to what works for you and you alone. Before I post the links to the rules as longs as this topic stays family friendly I won't have to move it to the sexuality part of the forums which requires 15 posts to view. I'm just letting you know of that now in case you wonder where it went. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs.
Mariah
P.S. one heads up to all those who will post in this thread lets please keep it civil. I know how these stealth topics tend to fall part eventually. I really don't want to see that happen. Thanks

Here are the links I promised.

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[wheat thins are delicious]

I really need some advice and I don't know who to talk to. A while back I had stealth sex with a girl using a prosthetic. She has no idea. I feel really guilty because I fell in love with her and she loves me a lot. I don't know how to tell her or what I should do. I'm scared to how she might react. I know she loves me but I think that's a pretty big secret to keep from someone. It's been almost a year and she still doesn't know. Someone please help. She knows I'm transgender but she thinks I had surgery. I know I shouldn't have lied. All I want to do is fix this

So you told her you had had surgery?  I'm not sure why you would lie about that when you'd told her you were trans.  I guess I can understand if it came from a place of shame and discomfort at her perhaps asking questions about your junk after you came out to her as trans.  No matter how you end up telling her she is going to be hurt and may not want to continue with the relationship. 

[Laura_7]

So you told her you had had surgery?  I'm not sure why you would lie about that when you'd told her you were trans.  I guess I can understand if it came from a place of shame and discomfort at her perhaps asking questions about your junk after you came out to her as trans.  No matter how you end up telling her she is going to be hurt and may not want to continue with the relationship.

Well this depends... I'd say its difficult to foresee how she reacts...

if explained that the whole subject is a weak spot and the op is really sorry it might help...

remember women are emotional. So if she can really feel and is assured the OP loves her this might help.

[FTMax]

I have seen this topic more than I wish. Question back to you. How can you have a relationship built on deception? Unfortunately you risk losing all now because you were not truthful. No way to unring this bell just tell her the truth and hope she is more understanding than you were honest. Sorry, no easier way to say it.

I originally wrote a lengthy response to the original post, but this really sums up my feelings on it.

OP, you need to come clean. You've let your dishonesty hang over the relationship for a year, and I would not expect to salvage it. Your girlfriend deserves more support in this situation than you do. Good luck.

[GnomeKid]

damn... I'm just curious how you pulled that off.

[aross1015]

If she knows you are trans I don't know why you would like to her about having had surgery, but my thoughts are that you should just tell her you were feeling dysphoric about not having the right junk and that led to you to lie about it.  She's probably going to be upset/hurt no matter what though. 

remember women are emotional.

I think as trans people it's important that we try to stay away from generalizations about an entire gender.  Not all women are emotional.  Some men are just as emotional as some women. 

[Laura_7]

I think as trans people it's important that we try to stay away from generalizations about an entire gender.  Not all women are emotional.  Some men are just as emotional as some women.

I saw this one coming

I might have said that the girlfriend being a woman might involve a higher probability of her seeing it emotional and thus tending to this might help but it would have sounded too scientific.

As trans people I think we might be aware how genders might see their world, which might help understand and giving a feeling of caring.

Of course people are individual, it was just meant as general hint the OP might use or not, depending on his own assessment.

hugs

[bwr]

I saw this one coming

I might have said that the girlfriend being a woman might involve a higher probability of her seeing it emotional and thus tending to this might help but it would have sounded too scientific.

As trans people I think we might be aware how genders might see their world, which might help understand and giving a feeling of caring.

Of course people are individual, it was just meant as general hint the OP might use or not, depending on his own assessment.

hugs

I agree Laura. Before I would be able to remotely think about this from OPs perspective, I would lose my ->-bleeped-<-.  I'd feel betrayed and then probably beat myself up for not being able to tell the difference and for falling in love with Someone who could lie to me for a year.  Maybe it wouldn't hurt as much if your in a long distance relationship, but idk.

I mean, what if when you had sex she was trying very hard to be respectful of your dysphoria and of your body while being vulnerable herself.... And you were dishonest?  She shouldn't have assumed anything, but if she's not familiar with trans stuff, it can be confusing if your partner doesn't take the time to explain things.  If you can bring her into your trans experience, which is an incredibly personal and trusting thing to do you may be able to salvage your relationship.

It sounds like you're already learning from this mistake, so I gotta give you credit for that. Come clean, learn from this, and don't do it again.  Women can handle a lot if you're honest and therefore show them respect. You may be able to make it up to her, but allow space for her feelings before you try to explain why you did this.  I think a lot of her reaction depend on her individual attitude towards sex and your relationship dynamic in general.  For me it would be a deal breaker, but we all have different lenses. I'm also a straight Cis woman, if you're curious.


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[JLT1]

Hi,

I think you have heard enough of the be honest portion of your talk...  There is more than that you need to address.  And you may actually keep your relationship.

You need to start out with the fact that you are trans.  She needs to understand fully any shame you felt in being trans.  She needs to understand the struggles you had.  She needs to understand that despite all of that, this is possibly the hardest thing you have ever had to do. In a moment of weakness and shame and love and desire and stupidity, you lied. That lie seems to be tearing you up inside so tell her that. You ask for forgiveness. You should be planning or have a plan for the next operation.  You need to be honest and accepting.  You need to give her anything she asks for..time, space whatever. 

Love is a risk.  This is as well.  But you may still be togather.

Hugs

Jen

[Keri]

Just be humble and honest with her.. Humility goes a long way toward gaining some sympathy for what your going through.
You may be surprised by her willingness to forgive and forget.. then move on and find the best way to be intimate in the future... Relationships are not all about sex.. Sex is the result of love and compassion for another person

Good luck.. I hope she understands.
Keri

[captains]

damn... I'm just curious how you pulled that off.

Yeah, dude. All other issues aside, I'm kinda impressed. How the hell did you make that work?

Anyway, people have yelled at you enough. Personally, if I were in her shoes, I don't think I could've cared less. I might feel bad that my partner had an issue they felt they couldn't share with me, though. I think the best action would to be very upfront about your feelings and insecurities so she can understand where you're coming from. Her empathy might save your ass.

[Bimmer Guy]

Personally, if I were in her shoes, I don't think I could've cared less.

So, you would be ok with learning that a foreign object was inside your body that you did not consent to being there?

[captains]

So, you would be ok with learning that a foreign object was inside your body that you did not consent to being there?

My brain doesn't particularly make that distinction, although I can see how one could, and I certainly wouldn't blame anyone or judge them for feeling that way. I just wanted to add my voice because it seemed like I had a different perspective than others, it it's possible she might be like me. I think I would see the prosthetic as synonymous with him.

Not to over-share, but I will concede that I've been in many sexual situations that were ... less than consensual, and I can see how than might alter or distort my views. I also know that despite there being a lot of outright badness in my sexual history, the stuff that sticks with me and causes me trouble were the events that were grey or ambiguous. So, again, it's not that I'm saying it would be wrong to feel violated by the OP. A lot of people said they would be, and I understand.

[captains]

Anyway, I apologise for the tone of my original post in this thread. It was too flippant. To explain myself (and I'm sorry again if I'm wrong), I simply don't think this is real. I believe it's possible, and I don't need an explanation as to how it could happen. It's just that this is the OPs first post, and they haven't come back. It read to me as a fantasy rather than a genuine scenario. I don't/didn't think anyone was actually hurt.

[FTMax]

Anyway, I apologise for the tone of my original post in this thread. It was too flippant. To explain myself (and I'm sorry again if I'm wrong), I simply don't think this is real. I believe it's possible, and I don't need an explanation as to how it could happen. It's just that this is the OPs first post, and they haven't come back. It read to me as a fantasy rather than a genuine scenario. I don't/didn't think anyone was actually hurt.

No harm, no foul 

I think it could happen if someone was inexperienced and had no expectations.

Prosthetics for transguys have come a long way in a relatively short period of time. They're realistic, the higher end ones are made of material that can retain body heat, etc. If we suppose that OP is underage, which is what it sounds like to me, he's probably not having a lot of overnight stays with the girlfriend. He probably hasn't had many (if any) experiences with her that would have required full nudity. And if it came up, he could say he's not comfortable being completely naked.

Couple that with a partner who has no idea what male genitals look or feel like, and yeah. I could see it happening.

[Bimmer Guy]

No harm, no foul 

I think it could happen if someone was inexperienced and had no expectations.

Prosthetics for transguys have come a long way in a relatively short period of time. They're realistic, the higher end ones are made of material that can retain body heat, etc. If we suppose that OP is underage, which is what it sounds like to me, he's probably not having a lot of overnight stays with the girlfriend. He probably hasn't had many (if any) experiences with her that would have required full nudity. And if it came up, he could say he's not comfortable being completely naked.

Couple that with a partner who has no idea what male genitals look or feel like, and yeah. I could see it happening.

Yep, I had the exact same scenario going on in my head.

Anyway, I apologise for the tone of my original post in this thread. It was too flippant.

Hey, no problem. My response probably felt like a harsh retort. 

[captains]

We're cool. I see what you guys are saying about the possible events that could make this a real post, rather than a random troll. My original intention was just to show that different people have different boundaries. That's why there are so few things that are always "bad" or always "okay" in the context of sex; there's no universal line. What constitutes assault is relative to each individual experience because what may be deeply violating for one person may be no big deal for another, and vice versa. That's why true communication is so important. You can't just assume that your partner will be alright with something. It's all relative to your specific experience and comfort level.

OP's behaviour to MY lines, would be shady and inappropriate, but not non-consensual. I thought I'd contribute my voice bc I felt that OP's gf's response might not necessarily align w/ the majority opinion represented here. Her boundaries could be anywhere -- crossed in totally different places, or even possibly not at all.

But again: tone, possibly fictional scenario, we're all on the same page now.