I found that "Self Acceptance" is not an all or nothing situation. That there are multiple distinct levels or forms. I have no doubt these milestones vary with each of our personnel demons.
For many decades I knew I was TG. Knowing it, accepting that I am at some level, did not imply actually owning it. It wasn't until after I took the trans beast on for real did I come to own it. I still remember that Friday morning in my therapist's office when for the upteenth time I must have said "I know am a transsexual" that a bolt of lightning went through me. I finally embraced the fact that I really am.
As the effects of HRT started to take place, like you I found peace in them. I went on low dose HRT several times in the past for this much needed brain reset. In the past, unlike you when the first physical effects started hitting below the belt I got scared. I wanted to be, to feel "normal". This time, embracing what the new normal is for me I was not scared, in fact like you glad and anxious for the final results. Today I am finally happy living in my own skin. No longer seeing that fat Tub-O-Lard in a mirror but a body I can and do love, as is.
This has all helped with shedding Shame. For me Shame is the mind slayer. Intellectually and to a very large part emotionally I totally embrace that I am TG. I do not feel shame for feeling as I do, for doing what I need to do for me, for my health. Yes, there is some justified guilt, and some unjustified, for what I've done in the past and present. My wife did not sign up for this. But I can no longer feel shame over the plain simple fact I was not able to do anything other then I did. I was ill prepared and uncapable of doing anything beyond what I did.
Yet, like you, there is still the underlying internalized transphobia which haunts me. (BTW - I can still feel the shock and awe I was in after my first ever TG support group meeting. Being in a room filled with others whose stories or feelings were so much like my own was a mind blower.) For me it's more of "just the way the world is" cynic that I am. Being a chameleon for many years I know all too well what guys especially as well as most people think or feel when the PC Police aren't around about MTF TG folks. So do I really want to jump into that frying pan? Or, most importantly, do I really NEED to? A question I have no consistent answer to.
So, Have I achieved "Self-Acceptance"? Compared to where I was before starting this journey, again; Mostly yes. Have I reached Nirvana? Am I now at total peace and harmony? Far from it. But still working to get there (or telling myself I need to)
