wishing to be death

[Melanie ♡]

I wish I was dead, I don't think I will ever be happy... I don't have a family anymore and my mom keeps abusing me both physically and verbally (and she also wants me to leave her house), I don't have friends, I don't have money, I don't have a boyfriend, I still have my old name and gender marker, I'm still self medicating, I hate my classes at school, so I'm not going to school anymore and I will probably fail all of them and get denied financial aid for next semester, I don't have money for surgery, female clothes, make up, or laser and I'm not passable, I was just clocked the other day, I wasn't wearing make up, and two black guys from my high school were shocked when they looked at my face and were like: oh dude that's a N-word, and then laughed. People are constantly looking at me even if I wear make up. At almost 8 months of self medicating hormones, I feel like nothing changed.

And my mom keeps telling me that I'm just a joke, and that I won't ever look like a girl, and she's right, I won't, and that I will end up doing sex work, which I'm kind of starting I guess because I can't find another job. A year passes by and I'm still at the same point. Ok.

[Dena]

I would like to have some magic words I could say that would help the pain go away but I don't have them. I know where you are at because I was once there myself and spent years digging myself out of that hole. Right now you need help from a professional. Your school may have a therapist you can use or if you are really depressed, call a suicide hotline. You also mentioned a transgender help group that you school has. If you haven't meet with them, do so now. They can inform you of other places you can receive help and may also help pull you out of the depression you are in.

I understand your need to self medicate but if you get it wrong, it can also have mental effects on you. It is also important that you understand the effects hormones have are slow to happen and some people like me only have small changes to our body after many years of HRT.

Even with the depression you are feeling, you need to decide on a long term plan for happiness. I don't recommend sex work because it is unhealthy and most likely it will lead to even more depression. You need to find a way to get your education by talking to your school consolers, consider a trade school or find some form of regular employment. I know what I am asking is hard and will take a long time. There is a reason my surgery happened two months before my 31st birthday and that was because I had to do everything I am asking you to do as well as correct several mistakes that happened along the way. We can help you avoid the mistakes but you will still have to do the work to make it happen.

Make your goal tomorrow to seek help at school or where ever you can find it. I am the proof that happiness is possible and I know you can do it to.

[Cynobyte]

Dear, you are young.  This just does not happen overnight or for quite some time.  Please refrain from sex work, it can ruin you future or worse..  to transition,  all of us have had to go through the same issues, although alot of us were not as young..  Please understand this will never be easy in the beginning.  But most things important in life are not either.. 

You need to stay in school to help secure a good future for yourself..  Your transition may be important,   but your health, your home, and so is your future..  Self medicating is not a good idea unless it is a life threatening issue..  I'm sure living around new york, there should be groups that can help you.  Hopefully there is someone here on susans that can send you to the right places to get started..  there may be lgbt shelters close to live..  but get your grades up and goto school..  finding a guy and having fun is soo important to kids your age, but you have chosen a path that you need to secure your health, safety, and future first!  It's not impossible,  but yes it will be hard..  until you understand your future is more important than your transition,  your life will be even more miserable.. 

Don't worry what others say about you..  you are trying to help yourself.  If it's a beauty contest and you are looking for prince charming to take care of you, it is a fairytale:(  only you can make your future, but nobody will help you unless you try to make goals, plan your future, and most important (listen to those who will really help you!)

PM me if you need help finding help!  I'm on the other side of the us, but willing to try to find you assistance. .  It doesn't happen overnight though..  people do care about you..  but please plan your future.  Nobody can help you unless you know where you want to go..

If you think you are going to fail,  go talk to your teachers.   They better care and offer assistance too!  I hope this helps..  it's late here, but I'm up off and on, and others will be in to say hi soon too.. 

My son is around your age and I know things don't happen fast enough..  but we can't change that..  you have to accept this if you want to take on these issues..  we have all been through it.. 

I do wish you the best if I don't hear from you..  I wish your parents were more understanding..  maybe they are, just your impatience is taxing them too much..  only you know if they can help you, but as a parent myself, I hope they cant..  they may not like the idea of your transition,  they may know the risks of doing this at your age..  you really need to see a support group or councelor before going further on your transition if you have not already..  it's not easy doing this alone!  But i/we are all here for you too!  Take care:)  jamie

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

[stephaniec]

seek help from the school and help lines . LGBT community centers, reach out people will help. I was helped when I went to The University of Illinois , they saw an anorexic dying Hippie and reached out a hand and I took it and I'm still alive and well 40 years latter. It doesn't matter whether High School or college, counselors are trained to help.

[Mariah]

Melanie, I know things seem bad now, but they will get better . 8 months isn't that long on hormones. They continue to make changes over time. As far as money and school you got me there, but there are things you can do to help those things along. You don't like your classes okay, then what classes might you be interested in. Seek a helpline most of all they can help you and know of resources that can help you in your situation. Passing is a package thing and always will be. My first time around at transition I focused on those things to which made it difficult and made passing not completely possible. I got stuck on those things and then when family issues made things worse I backed off. End result I have once less functioning kidney. It's not something I recommend. Your health and well being are very important to us so I can more strongly emphasis how import those helplines are. Now you might wonder what is different now. The big difference is not listening to those who try to stop and secondly focusing on what I can do and not what I can't. It's easy to get down and depressed when all you can do is focus on what is wrong on life. If something isn't working, then lets try something different to make life enjoyable for you again and allows you to move forward with your transition. Remember transition is a marathon and not a sprint. Something I have to remind myself of daily. Call a help line. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[iKate]

Melanie - if you're REALLY feeling like you want to do something PLEASE call Trans lifeline. 1-877-565-8860

Understand that things take time. I'm 10 months into transition and I just got my new driver license with my name updated yesterday. It's been a journey. I still haven't updated my name and gender everywhere. It takes time, especially at the speed of Government.

Being clocked is a fact of life for many Trans people. I'm sure I get clocked on occasion. Just hold your head up and live your life. You are a beautiful person and in time your passability will only increase. Mean people are just that - mean. Don't let them get to you!

Hugs

[Traci New]

Hang in there baby.  Life is not a bed of roses. It takes time to get what you want. The above posts has a lot of good info in them. You never know what you will be able to do later on in your life.  You might be the one that helps put everything into focus for people or what you say or do may save many lives. Death is so final.  And you have many years left yet, stay with us babe. The world needs you.

[highlight]

Your story breaks my heart. You are like me, you are young (I just turned 20) So the hormones will have a good effect on your body give it time.

I am sorry I cannot help with your home problems. I never had that problem, when I came out at 19 my parents were super excepting and even if they were not: my Nan is super liberal and I could always of stayed with her.

Do you have anyone you could turn too? Like a super liberal Nan?

I question whether or not I will ever be happy too, I simply don't know the answer. Inbox me if you want to chat. 

[Rachel]

You have three really big things going on right now, school, home and transition. No wonder you are overwhelmed. What you are feeling is natural and most everyone in your situation would feel the same way.

You are really brave but need help. Communicate with school counselors. Get a job, part time is possible. Get into a support group.

You will transition very well and you are not a joke. When someone says something that is crap it is important to think that is crap and not me. I am strong and beautiful. Do not let the crap messaging in and counter it with positive thoughts. Look in the mirror every morning and be kind to yourself and say three positive affirmations.

I wish I could help or say something to solve the present issues.

[Shads]

Hi Melanie

I can't offer much in the way of help other than say please to listen to the others that have posted here.  They have all gone through it or are going through it.  You are so young and it all seems impossible for you right now.  It will get better, it just takes time and patience.

By the way, I took a peak at your FB and all I can say is your mom is wrong about you not looking like a girl.  You are and a beautiful girl at that!

[iKate]

Watching your YouTube channel you have progressed pretty well. You may not realize it because we don't notice our gradual changes over time. But you have changed a lot. Transition is a marathon, not a sprint.

The people from school probably know you from before and if they are mean people they would have done it anyway even if you were the most passable person in the world. To be honest they sound like low life losers. They are probably insecure about their manhood as well, as some guys who clock Trans women are afraid that they're attracted to us and can't reconcile the fact that we have a Y chromosome.

As for the boyfriend, just take it easy on that one. You're young and you have time. He will come in time, just take it slow. Make friends and maybe some boy will get to know you and who knows. I hang out like this now and I'm social and making friends. Guys like my personality and they think I'm an awesome person to hang with. Who knows if I will find a guy? I do need to get divorced first though, and you don't have to worry about that. Guys like girls who are confident and sure of themselves. You should carry that with you and trust me it works like magic.

Your mom will say you look like a guy because she wants to wish away the fact that you're Trans. My aunt says the same thing but the thing is that perfect strangers don't treat me as anything but a woman. She just can't resign herself to the fact that I am a woman. Her problem. I am strong. You can be too.

Above all, don't neglect your education. Sex work may seem like easy money but it is dangerous, can result in STDs, can get you arrested (and thrown in prison) or even get you killed. In school you will have resources and people to lean on. Who knows maybe even fellow Trans people.

The world is ahead of you and your whole life is too. Don't throw it away. And above all have some patience. We all have a difficult uphill climb. I may make it seem easy but people don't know the struggle. Just this morning I broke down crying in a director's office because I would be totally lost without her in terms of acceptance of my transition. I leaned on her as an ally and I'm ever grateful. I have my marriage to gracefully end and figure out how to co parent. My dad refuses to talk to me too.  But I don't let it get to me. I view it as an obstacle to overcome and a challenge.

[jodilennox]

I  know how you feel I still have my bad days, some times I end up in the hospital it just take time for your body to get used to  estrogen. I have been on estrogen since the spring and lately i been noticing   positive changes mentally I used to have a angry over small things now I cry or just say to  no big deal. I hated getting angry but I was allergic to testosterone  now that my T is at female levels I cope much better. and I am much happier I say Testosterone is toxic to my brain I used wish I past away in sleep every night now I want to stay alive and be a old lady one day' I want live until I am 100

Ir gets bettet believe me

[Roni]

Well I will tell you this.

I haven't been on susans in a long while, but you are inherently one of the few people I remember and have helped kept me going with my own transition the past year. I thought you were really beautiful when I first started transition last year, and that hasn't changed today!

Life is difficult. I just got out of a really bad depression. TRUST me when I say even the best of us fall down sometimes. You will get through this. But you won't get through this if you give up and don't stay strong.

[gaygirl420]

if you need anything let me know, i have friends and family in new york/the surrounding area who might be able to help you find resources or even just a place to stay for a night or two. you can PM me whenever