Marriage problems

[Rena-san]

Hi,

I am engaged and plan on getting married to my wife. She is very beautiful and I know she loves me a lot, and I love her a lot; she however is constantly doubting my love for her. She knows about my history--the sex change--and says she is ok with it. But I am unable to orgasm in bed and I know that this hurts her greatly. I thought things were going fine until one day she read through my phone and found things I had said about her to others that weren't really true. They were exaggerations to make my wife look like the bad guy. She got very angry and threatened to leave. Once things cooled down she stayed but it hasn't been the same since. Prior to this dispute, she had slept with a guy and that hurt me greatly, but she promised me she would never do it again. Now however, she is currently dating a guy. He brought her a rose and kissed her right in front of me. So I've seen the guy a few time, and other than wanting to kill him, I just think he is a douche.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. There's a lot going on here, but any ideas or advice would be appreciated.

[Miss Clara]

Oh dear, that doesn't sound good, Rena.  You need to take whatever time is needed to repair your relationship.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Rena,

As Clara said, it doesn't sound good. You guys need to open your communications up to both yourselves and each other.

Lots of trust and respect have been trashed along the way. Love comes as a result of trust and respect, all of which cannot be demanded, entitled or even asked for. They all have to be earned, and you have no control over how that happens, except for living those values.

Hope the damage can be repaired.

Huggs
Catherine

[KristinaM]

No offense intended here, but are you sure you're engaged?

Also, non-monogamous relationships do exist.  Three people, four people, five, etc...  Everyone has to be aware of everyone else though and on the same page and comfortable with each other's roles in each of their relationships.  It's difficult, but it can work.  I know of a few myself, and I'm about to be part of one I'm hoping.

Relationships can be fragile things.  They take nurturing and sometimes hard work to maintain.  I wish you the best of luck!

[Tessa James]

Living with "constant doubt" sounds way harsh to me.  The basis of most successful relationships is some level of trust.  Whether you are a couple or even in the situations Kristina acknowledges "cheating" is when it is not consensual and that flower and kiss scene you describe sounds like you were hardly on board.

Beautiful but is the rest of the package what you wana sign up for?  Falling in love is so intoxicating but it is much less fun taking a marriage apart.

You may have some very direct discussions about "expectations" to consider, perhaps?

[KatelynBG]

Transgender or not, I'd get myself out of that relationship as fast as possible. Sorry to put it so bluntly.

[Wednesday]

Transgender or not, I'd get myself out of that relationship as fast as possible. Sorry to put it so bluntly.

Ditto.

[Mallory]

If they cheat once they'll cheat again.  End of story.  Sounds like she's already doing well beyond what she told you she'd never do again too by doing it right in front of you.  You can do better.

[cheryl reeves]

Hi,

I am engaged and plan on getting married to my wife. She is very beautiful and I know she loves me a lot, and I love her a lot; she however is constantly doubting my love for her. She knows about my history--the sex change--and says she is ok with it. But I am unable to orgasm in bed and I know that this hurts her greatly. I thought things were going fine until one day she read through my phone and found things I had said about her to others that weren't really true. They were exaggerations to make my wife look like the bad guy. She got very angry and threatened to leave. Once things cooled down she stayed but it hasn't been the same since. Prior to this dispute, she had slept with a guy and that hurt me greatly, but she promised me she would never do it again. Now however, she is currently dating a guy. He brought her a rose and kissed her right in front of me. So I've seen the guy a few time, and other than wanting to kill him, I just think he is a douche.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. There's a lot going on here, but any ideas or advice would be appreciated.

Sounds like she is moving on and your blind too it,at least your not married yet..run away from her while you can,you'll find someone who loves you for you.

[Squircle]

I expect there's a bit more to this story but you seem to be in the dark about this new guy. You are engaged to this woman, surely you've discussed this? It's a pretty clear sign that she doesn't respect you.

It just sounds like neither of you trust the other. Her sleeping with someone else, you saying things that aren't true behind her back, now this guy, it's not the picture of a healthy relationship. I think you need to seriously consider how much longer you can stay in this situation.