Hello,
I'm 21 Fashion student and Pre-Transition questioning FTM. I just legitly came out four or five months ago. I still am going by my birth gender and Birth name: Maranda. I'm just starting to socially transition. I am a korean adoptee with loving parents and an older brother and sister. I am interested in Anime, Manga,Music, Japanese Street Fashion( Lolita, Prince Style, Visual kei, Gyaruo/onii kei/host kei, Fairy kei, Decora and Pastel Goth),Cosplaying/Costuming, video games, ball jointe dolls, Drawing, napping and eating yummy food.
I'm currently attending Commuinty College am planning to get my fashion design degree as of now. I want to either go abroad to england and attend University of London majoring in Fashion design or tailoring; or go to Japan , go to a language school and go to ueda college of fashion and major in japanese street fashon design. I am nervous person but I would like to make lots of people smile though my deisgns or fashion abilities. Fashion is the one thing I am willing to fight for and it has helped me embrace me who I am. I want to help others with my designs embrace myself.
My story doesn't begin with me knowing as a child it was not knowing that felt off. I never questioned anything I wasn't female but I didn't think male was an option. I wasn't sad and I wasn't happy about it either. It was all rather empty. I mean liked typical girl things dolls, dresses and make up. I didn't understand people who were supposedly the same gender as me and kept mainly guy friends.
I brushed it off as being anti-social and having soical anxiety and attempted to get more female friends. I turned 12 and found about transgender from peers being such. I didn't have my first ephinany until I was 14. I was sittng with my friend ashlyn at the time when I first said it. the idea that I could be the wrong gender. It was scary and alot of things I thought I knew changed. She accepted me I joined this site. I was sheltered and knew none of the termnology, In my introduction I use degatory slurrs because I hadn't known any different. When I tried to tell my parents I was terrified and eventually talked myself out of the whole thing.
For the next seven years I threw myself into being girly and becoming a perfect "girl". I also began having panic attacks and major anxiety att he same time. I wanted to be perfect I had hoped that getting married and having children would wake some rush of affection for my body and the thing my body could do. I dated exactly 3 boys and each time it got almost physcial I had a nervous break down and I cried and screamed. I only kissed one of those boys and in attempt to maybe find that affection for my body i searched for I almost gave him everything. at 16 I was willing to throw away everything for the idea that the emptiness would be be filled and I would be the mother , wife and daughter everyone expected me to be
Finally it became too much I had ot tell someone I was bursting a the seams, I told my therapist who told me there was nothing I could do. I was born female and it was uselesss as him wanting to grow hair. Scared and Ashamed I shoved everything inside and tried to be okay again. But the emptiness grew and in moments of meltdown i would scream I want out clawing at my skin and attemting to tear at my chest. After a while I made everything okay again laughing when I felt like crying
After many attempts to end my life or run away I looked at myself honestly and wondered what does okay really mean. Am I lving or suriving to get to another day. I told my parents everything. It was stupid but I was terriffied they wouldnt love this person who had failed to be their daughther and turn me away. But she didnt she hugged and whispered " I'll always love you". It took sitting at a ER room clawing at my face and arms and sobbing to realize I wasn't angry at my parents or the doctors in that waiting room. I was angry at myself ,for lying to those i loved and gviing them half my heart. I didn't need a magical person to take away or a doctor to tell me i was suffering some mental illness. I needed to face myself and honestly embrace that person. Stop making excuases and stop chaning my feelings to feel the same as others.
No this isn't a magical story I stil have anxiey and I still need to talk to a doctor/Therapist but I am at peace with those I love.I am loving my hobbies, my friends and my famly. I don't regret the person I was but I am no longer afraid of the person I am becoming. I am hoping by being on here I can rely on others who feel the similar things and be relyed on by others who feel the same.
So thank you for taking care of me.
