I gave up.

[Paulina]

First of all, no. I do not feel suicidal.

I do however have an emotional wound in my heart that stings much more than any pain I've ever experienced.

I had everything going for me, I had an understanding therapist who was I was open and friendly with, a wonderful trans doctor who assisted me in getting HRT. I was 8 months in to my transition.

A week ago, I gave up.
I went to my parents place, I sat down with my mom, and told her that I won't transition anymore, and will go back to the way things where before. Why? Because I had let my life fall so far behind me. I couldn't bring myself to face the world as a woman. I was too scared, terrified of what may happen. She was relived, so happy that she had gotten her son back. She told my grandparents, and they too where ecstatic. The next day, I shaved my head, and agreed to go see my grandparents in Russia for 3 months to "get better mentally and physically".

What have I done.. some people dream of getting the treatment I got, then I throw it all away..

[Ms Grace]

I was on HRT for two years and then stopped. Like you I even told my relieved mother and shaved my head! Mind you, I eventually revisited to the process some 20 years later.

Think of it this way - you didn't throw it away. You just realised that transition wasn't for you at the moment (if ever), and that's perfectly OK. Transition is a massive stress in life and it's understandable if you don't want to deal with it.

[Laura_7]

First of all, no. I do not feel suicidal.

I do however have an emotional wound in my heart that stings much more than any pain I've ever experienced.

I had everything going for me, I had an understanding therapist who was I was open and friendly with, a wonderful trans doctor who assisted me in getting HRT. I was 8 months in to my transition.

A week ago, I gave up.
I went to my parents place, I sat down with my mom, and told her that I won't transition anymore, and will go back to the way things where before. Why? Because I had let my life fall so far behind me. I couldn't bring myself to face the world as a woman. I was too scared, terrified of what may happen. She was relived, so happy that she had gotten her son back. She told my grandparents, and they too where ecstatic. The next day, I shaved my head, and agreed to go see my grandparents in Russia for 3 months to "get better mentally and physically".

What have I done.. some people dream of getting the treatment I got, then I throw it all away..

Sometimes people have to make experiences that shows them who they are not.

You might use this as a reminder of what you do not want.

You are not the only one.
Sometimes we have high hopes, and unexpectedly high fears arise. It seems to be connected...
There is a saying to go boldly and do things that are felt might make happy... this might help avpoid the rolercoaster of thinking and going back and forth .

Anyways you now know. You can always change your mind back.
I personally would say do it fast... you might go back and say you feel you want to continue transition...

and another word:
sometimes we do things to make others happy.
This can lead to terrible resentment over time. People involved know that its not right, and there can be an upwelling of bitter feelings.
Imo its better to come clean and do what is felt right.


there is also a chat on susans...

and if you feel like it please reach out... there are helplines...
they also have a chat:
www.glbthotline.org/hotline.html
www.thetrevorproject.org
www.translifeline.org

there are wigs by the way.

[Dee Marshall]

I could never even contemplate what you've done, even though it would make my life easier in so many ways, and you know what? That's perfectly OK! This condition we have is so different for each of us and the accommodation that works for us, right now, is the right one. You may, like some, decide to close the book on this and live your life as a man and be happy with that decision. You may, like Grace, revisit the issue and transition later. Don't assume that any decision has to be the final word. Don't agonize, "was I right or wrong." Live and be happy in the now.

Being happy and comfortable with yourself, as best you can, is the whole point.

[Mariah]

Each of needs to do what we need to do. I backed off from my first transition about 7 years before my transition this time. Mentally I just wasn't ready. I got hung up on things couldn't fix and that made it mentally impossible to transition at the time.Like with other moms, my mom was relieved too at the time. You have to do what works for you. It's not right for everyone. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you find the happiness that your looking for. Hugs
Mariah

[Rejennyrated]

Well there is both good news and bad here.

Firstly the good, as a trainee clinician I would say that its VERY important that people who present for treatement really are sure that they want to do this, that there is no other workable alternative. Clearly you werent yet at that place, so you have done the right thing further exploring the alternatives. Well done!

Now the bad news - unfortunately the statistics we have do suggest that the vast majority end up re-visiting transition at a later date in their lives, because our identity is very internal, and you cant really change who you are. So the one thing I would say, alongside good luck, is please never regret the path you choose. It may not be what I would have done, but it is what you chose. So be proud of that, and if you later come to reconsider then have no regrets.

[Rachel]

We support your decision and will be here to support you.

[JoanneB]

I gave up. I felt I could never live life as any sort of woman, much less a 6ft tall, big everything and balding one. A few years later and being a glutton for punishment, I gave up again. Beating being trans down, subverting and suppressing it with all my might and will (OK almost all) was far far easier then what I saw as the alternative.

Thirty to almost forty years later I am looking at perhaps giving up again. This time for far different, if not polar opposite reasons. Yet still the same reason deep down. Extreme fear and laziness. Better the devil you know then the one you don't. Better the heartaches and pain you've known for most of your life then these new scary ones.

Is it better to wake up just before your dream comes to the end? Is it better to wake up before it becomes a nightmare?

I wish I knew

[stephaniec]

I stopped for twenty years then came back

[Dena]

My advice to you is to continue seeing your therapist to work this out. You might not be sure what you want now but you need to continue to explore your feelings. If you fail to do this, you will feel much more pain until you are forced back into therapy. The other thing is you should keep your Susan't account. Don't use it if you don't want to but we want you to have happiness what ever role you decide is right for you. Sometime you might need to talk with people who won't judge you and this is the place to do it.

[cheryl reeves]

Sounds like your running away from yourself and your problems. I tried it for 14 yrs and almost caused me my marriage and sanity, see I ran away straight into getting married and having children.

[Skylar1992]

Here is my personal advice. Personally I think overall there is to much difference put on between genders. In my perfect world there wouldn't even be genders but hey-ho. Point being that will wearing different clothes / having different physical parts really make you that much of a different person or change your life that much, in reality, no it wont. All you have to do is honestly look inside yourself and say, what would I be happier as physically / socially , a man or a woman, once you answered that question things don't get super easy but you lose the conflicting thoughts.

I will probably get a warning for this again for saying the truth but, there are people who are born in the wrong body, know it all their lives since their were kids and the transition for them is natural. There are people who are dysphoric between the 2 genders and at one time they think their male, another their female, and have traits of both, which is gender fluid / bi gender.

Some people just decide that they want to be female almost out of nowhere, again which is fine, my psychologist even said to me in the UK at least it's often referred to as a lifestyle choice. So there are many reasons why you may feel confused and each one of these people I listed are 100% equal.

Only you know the right answer, maybe you don't have to transition to feel good, some people stop at wearing womens clothes, some people identify socially and legally as women and stay 100% looking and acting like guys.

Good luck

[Laura_7]

Some people just decide that they want to be female almost out of nowhere, again which is fine, my psychologist even said to me in the UK at least it's often referred to as a lifestyle choice.

There are studies showing being transgender has biological connections.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,186458.msg1664590.html#msg1664590

I hope for a biological explanation to get more widespread because it can show its nobodys fault, not the transgender persons nor an upbringing or whatever. And imo its socially more acceptable.
In my opinion calling it a lifestyle choice might be changed in education in the future, I personally hope for a more differentiated approach in education. There are manuals like the DSM where gender disphoria is also shown as not being of a choice.
It simply is imo. *hugs*

This might help some people understand better, from 3:29 on... for some people it might look like coming out of nowhere:

[Skylar1992]

I did not say that it wasn't, if you actually read the post and not get defensive I state that there are people who are born like it and people who choose it, that is a fact, I talked to my psychologist about it, thanks

Mod Edit-taking other persons posts personally and then attacking for it is against TOS 15.

[Mariah]

Locked for review

[Mariah]

 
Okay folks. Here is the deal. Lets not take each others posts personally. It doesn't do anyone any good and it serves no purpose. It's strictly uncalled for and against TOS 15. Thanks
Mariah

Thread unlocked.

[sparrow]

Some aspects of the transgender experience are lifestyle choices.  We choose how much to transition, we choose how to dress, we choose names and pronouns that fit.  Some people make those choices as lifestyle choices, and some people make those choices as life-saving therapy.

Some transgender people are happiest to not transition at all, because of the fear and anxiety caused by our society's transphobia.  Yesterday, one guy tried to trip me, and another tried to start a fight with me... that's attention I never got before I started dressing femme in public.  Transition has a cost, which must not outweigh the benefits if it's going to be worthwhile.

[Serenation]

I did not say that it wasn't, if you actually read the post and not get defensive I state that there are people who are born like it and people who choose it, that is a fact, I talked to my psychologist about it, thanks

Mod Edit-taking other persons posts personally and then attacking for it is against TOS 15.

I've had a psychiatrist tell me to suck it up and be a man, like everyone else psych's can be uneducated, insensitive and just plain wrong.

[cindianna_jones]

A week ago, I gave up.
I went to my parents place, I sat down with my mom, and told her that I won't transition anymore, and will go back to the way things where before. Why? Because I had let my life fall so far behind me. I couldn't bring myself to face the world as a woman. I was too scared, terrified of what may happen. She was relived, so happy that she had gotten her son back. She told my grandparents, and they too where ecstatic. The next day, I shaved my head, and agreed to go see my grandparents in Russia for 3 months to "get better mentally and physically".

What have I done.. some people dream of getting the treatment I got, then I throw it all away..

Look, you may have made the right decision. This is a very permanent thing. I think it's good to try and go back.  It will work or it won't. And then you'll have a better understanding of yourself. I did the very same thing you did three times. The biggest shock was when I cut my hair the last time. I cried over that. You might want to postpone your trip to Russia though. Think about it carefully. You don't want to get stuck there if you change  your mind in a week or a couple of months. Seriously, that could be very harsh.

Personally, my decision to go back lasted all of three days the last time I did it. I finally got some good psychiatric care and got the parental units and church off my back for a few days while I spent some time in the hospital mental facility. Sometimes it takes the worst to bring out the best in us. Who knows.

Look, this is your life. You know your own thoughts better than any other. Don't do it for your parents or grandparents or anyone else. Do it for yourself. If that is the decision you have made then I think you have made the correct one. No matter what happens, keep in touch with us. We'd like to know how you are getting along.

Hugs,
Cindi

[chloeD33]

Totally agree with the post above. Russia would make the worst town in Mississippi seem like San Fran. Think about that part hard! Xox