I really don't know what to call this - I'm new here. I haven't ever really met any other transgender people before - although, I'm not really sure if I can call myself that.
Alright, I'm stammering. I'm Nyx, or at least that's one of my favorite names. I guess I wanted to share my backstory somewhat and ask if I'm actually gender dysphoric or just fooling myself. I didn't have the lifelong feeling that I was a girl that I've heard of in many stories. I think there've been signs all along, maybe, but again maybe I'm fooling myself. Like how in Kindergarten, I joined this group of girls who just ran around at recess, and I couldn't figure out why it was weird for me to call myself a "Cheetah Girl" too. Or how I got really curious when a story popped up about a guy getting arrested for dressing up as a mermaid at a mall.
I didn't even know what it was to be transgender until ninth grade, when I was just surfing the web and saw a link about a kid who was born hermaphroditic and was assigned male but chose to be female when (s)he grew up. Since then, it seemed like I just kept seeing things about transgender people, but I still didn't realize that I might be one myself until December of my sophomore year, when I started having these weird dreams about being turned into a girl and deciding whether or not to go back, or just about having been a girl my entire life. I eventually confided in a few online friends, with mixed reactions; then I told my mom. She thought it was just that phase that all teens go through, and I nearly convinced myself of that, too. She told me I could use her makeup and try on her clothes, though.
Skip forward a year and a half - I've researched HRT, SRS, crossdressing, and other things, and I still think I'm supposed to be a girl. I've tried on half of my mom's clothes, and I show her that it wasn't just a phase. A few emails letter, she tells me I probably need counseling. At first, I take this as a bad thing - you're not actually transgender, you're just fooling yourself. When I finally do look up transgender counseling, I discover that it's actually a required thing for HRT and SRS. Pretty expensive, though.
Skip forward to today, six months later. I'm getting ready to go to college, and I'm putting "Questioning" in the gender box of my applications. I want to transition while I'm at college, since I'll be around people who don't know me yet. My mom spilled to my dad, grandma, and aunt, but at least they don't really talk about it. I've been growing my hair out and it's now almost long enough to put into a ponytail. My biggest issues, though, are my voice and my super-long, unproportional limbs.
I'm really bad with conclusions, so I guess I'll just leave it off there. Any advice or questions?
