Sad story, can't move on

[Dave9233]

Hi I am Dave from London, I have a sad story to tell and I want to know how to move on.
I have been in what I thought was a loving relationship with a philippino transgender partner for almost 3 years. I am 58, she is 32. I wanted to marry her and have been in divorce proceedings for over a year, but my ex is in no rush to complete, I got my divorce nisi last November and the divorce absolute is still beyond reach. I recently tried to get my girlfriend to the UK to study at university here. I sent her the £10,000 she needed to deposit in her account. I paid another £1,200 for the visa costs. The visa was turned down, the embassy didn't acknowledge the bank certificate she submitted. It's over a month since the review of the decision was confirmed. I saw my member of parliament about it and have formally complained to the home office (the department of state responsible for issuing visas). As my girlfriend is philippino my MP could only ask a parliamentary question about the process because she is not a constituent. However, 5 weeks ago I asked my girlfriend to return £7000 of the money I deposited in her account, money I borrowed, telling her she could keep the remaining £2,233. I can't pay my bills, I have to pay interest on the (£10,000) loan, and I get fined monthly for not paying my tax bill of £8000. For the last month my girlfriend has cut me off from Skype, won't answer my phone calls and replies to my constant begging email with a one or two line response about once a week staying she should be here. Has anyone got any ideas on what I can do. I love her, wanted to marry her,  I have financially supported her for over 2 years. She spent 6 months last year living with me in London (on a visit visa)  I spent last Christmas and New Year with her lovely family in Bacolod City in the Philippines. They gave us a blessing to our union. I am in communication with her sisters but my girlfriend has left home and moved to Manila. I am at a total loss. I haven't been able to talk to my family or friends about this, I feel stupid, that I could be so wrong trusting my heart and money.

[Ms Grace]

Hey Dave

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Sorry to hear your story, it does sound like you were treated very badly.

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Cheers

Grace

[Peep]

What do her family say about the situation? 

[cheryl reeves]

Sorry too say this but you got taken, she isn't giving you any money back ,when you asked for some of the money back she realized the gravy train came to an abrupt end.

[kittenpower]

I'm sorry that happened to you.

[judithlynn]

Hi David;
Sorry to hear about your story, but I am afraid this an all too familiar occurrence to me. I have a male friend  (British subject from Suffolk) who lives in Hong Kong. 15 years ago he was introduced to a Fillippino woman 30 years his junior. He was a very successful business man working for one of the Asian banks, living in a beautiful apartment overlooking Hong Kong harbour. He proposed she said yes and she moved into his apartment. They got married in the Phillippines. He then had two children by her. Then quite by chance someone recognised her in Hong Kong and it turned out that it was a Sham marriage and she was already married to another man (in Hong Kong). She then got deported to Phillipiines. My friend tried to get her back in as she professed that she was going to get a divorce (but never did). She then persuaded him to move his pension from the UK to an investment fund in Manila. Then every month she was tap him for School fees, clothing fees you name it he paid it. When in the Global financial downturn he tried to access his pension, it had all mysteriously disappeared. She is still trying to get money out of him and now he lives  aged 72 in a very precarious position on an island in the Hong Kong archipelago  eking put a sort of living helped by friends. Just thank yourself that you haven't gone that way. My advice is try to find a Transgender partner more close to home and just thank your stars that she didn't take more. My fiend lost more than 150k. You know there are some really very wonderful transgender women in the UK & Europe in their early 50's or late 40's.
Judith

[Kylie1]

Dave,
I'm sorry to say this but you were used.  I hate to be that blunt, but its the truth.  I know how it feels, I was married to someone who used me over and over and over.  I finally got off the crazy train and I'm moving down the road.  That is exactly what you need to do.  You wont see the money and it will only cost money to try to recover it.  You've learned a valuable lesson though.  Be very skeptical of everyone as well as yourself.  Get past it by setting up payment plans with your creditors and don't beat yourself up about it.  Nobody learns anything the easy way. 

[CarlyMcx]

I've been married to a beautiful Filipina for 15 years now, and I have heard a lot of variations on your story over the years.  FWIW, I don't think your girlfriend set out to rip you off.  You just created the right combination of opportunity and circumstance, and the temptation was too much for her to resist.

Your girl knew she could not get back to England, was left sitting on a lot of money, so she took some severance pay and flew the coop.

If you want this girl back, my advice to you is as follows:

1)  Finalize your divorce. 

2)  Find some other girls to communicate with/spend time with.

3)  Let this girl's family know that your divorce is final and that there are some other girls entering the picture.  This one will come running back, pretty much guaranteed.

But whether you would want someone back after an episode like that, well, you are on your own with that one.

[TG CLare]

I am sad to say I must agree with some of the others on here and it could have easily happened to me (again).

I met a nice lady. We became friends and each time it looked like I was going to turn off the "cash for life" tap, she turned up the intensity of the heat and I stayed. I paid rent, cell phone, gas for her car, money in her purse and a myriad of other things.

When she asked if I would co-sign on a loan that's when I balked and said no. If I was living with her, then maybe we could discuss things. Frankly I thought the carpet and furniture were very nice.

Once I said no, she just disappeared. No telephone, no forwarding address etc. That psycho woman, (for lack of a better description I can use on here) took me for a lot of cash and didn't see so much as a penny in return although everything was known to be a loan until things got better. People told me to stay away and to be careful about her but I didn't listen.

I am so sorry this has happened to you but sometimes it's a trap like mine was, other times temptation out weighs the romance of a long distance relationship, like your case.

All I can sadly do is wish you luck. Perhaps a visit to your bank manager might help finalize some sort of financial plan that can help you?

Love,
Clare

[realtalk]

My heart goes out to you. My ex-boyfriend (FTM) was very similar. When I had money and was supporting him then everything was gravy, but once I got tapped out, he was fooling around with another woman. It hurts so much to love someone dearly and deeply and realize that you were mostly just dollar signs to them. I am struggling with putting my finances back together as well and it is so difficult. You might find the personal finance forum at ->-bleeped-<-.com useful. Good luck.