So I was already having a crummy day at work. I had a brief email exchange with my mother (I'm not out to anyone yet) about when I was coming home for the holidays. My Sister and nephew will be there, and my mother mentioned that he apparently talks about me a lot and is very interested in what I'm doing (he's 3). My mother told me this to cheer me up but it made me feel awful. My sister and his father are going through a divorce, and worrying about my nephew and whether I could try to be a male role model for him is ironically what pushed me over the edge into accepting that I was Trans*.
I just keep thinking of the kind of person I SHOULD be. I still have the qualities that I would want to model for him, but at the same time "being a man" seems to be the one I won't be able to do. I'm starting to miss being in denial, sure I probably would have had a heart attack within the next 15 years from all of the stress, but at least I knew what I thought I wanted, and it made planning for the future a heck of a lot easier. I really wish I were normal.
