Side Effect of Self Acceptance

[autumn08]

Hello,

I have been going to therapy for around 5 months, in order to confront my feeling of being transgender, after 20 some odd years of either trying to pretend the feeling doesn't exist, or trying to "fix" it. I have now come to a point where I am able to accept that I am transgender, and also with the help of my therapist, be able to heal a lot of the shame and inadequacy my repression caused me. As a result, I feel like for the first I have space around me to move in and breathe.

One of the side effects of accepting that I am transgender though, is feeling the desire to transition more acutely and frequently than before. This puts added strain on my resistance to transition, which is in place in an effort to avoid the tribulations of transitioning and transitioned life. Instead of transitioning, I'm trying to find how I can live a life that will fulfill me, while remaining male. Today though, something occurred that added more weight to my skeptical feelings on that proposition.

Until recently, I could to go to parties, drink, socialize, and be fairly successful with women. Today though I couldn't put on my gregarious self. I couldn't lie to myself and pretend that acting like a male, and having sex as male is something that I enjoy. There were women where I was at that I knew were attractive and I knew were attracted to me, but I just felt strange and uncomfortable.

When I came home, I began to rehash an old worry of mine, which is if I don't transition, I will never have the fulfilling relationship which I want in my life, and also, I won't be able to eventually start a family, without feeling trapped. So, finally, my question is, does anyone have any advice on how a transgender woman can have a relationship that is fulfilling to both her partner and herself, while still playing the male role socially and sexually?

[Hyperduck_23]

This isn't a side effect of self acceptance, it's the next layer in now you've (sort of) come to terms with how you are.

I'd be surprised if you find any advice to do what you're wanting to, as the point is you're extremely unlikely to be a happy person who can be part of a happy relationship if you're denying your real self in order to fit into your perceived requirements for a 'normal' male in society. It's like a dog pretending to be a cat....fine half of the time, but the second it tries to walk across the top of a fence it'll become glaringly obvious that there is something wrong.

The only way to make yourself happy is to be true to yourself, figure out where you sit on the gender spectrum, figure out how you need to present to satisfy your brain and then, once you've fund yourself, you'll figure out what you actually want instead of just towing the 'wife & kids' line that you've been trying to follow your whole life in order to escape from your true self.

It can seem daunting, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life pretending to be something you're not when you could do a bit of work now and have a happy, fulfilling existence.

This is a great way of thinking about/approaching things

You never know what will happen when you embrace yourself and stop putting so much effort into living a lie....there is a lot more out there than you can ever imagine, but you're not going to find it if you keep on hiding who you are.

[katrinaw]

Hey there Autumn, welcome to Susans... xxx

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I think self acceptance and then just talking with others does take a massive load off you, a sense of huge relief in that you are not shouldering it all alone.
I kept my secrets and hid for way to many years, but gradually the barriers have been coming down, til finally coming out to my wife... was hard and has had painful repercussions, but I had to, and now to a degree it is a sense of relief, although the pain is now in what I have bestowed on my family, really hurt them all badly.

But its about finding a peace with the world.

L Katy 

[LizK]

Having reached a the point of self acceptance only recently I can relate to your post. Couple of side effects the biggest of which is that I feel defenceless against my dysphoria or anything else for that matter and the need to transition grows exponentially each day that is delayed. If I don't transition then I won't be alive to have a family to worry about. I have to make the best of the situation I have. I really did think I could be patient and not let the frustration get the better of me. Once I had accepted myself then transition was no longer a quotation but a statement of fact and I just want to get on with it.

IMHO you may be better off doing some work on yourself and what you want. Can you live a fulfilled life if you are lying to yourself? If I get you right what you want to do is transition and keep the relationship intact? If that is the case then yes it can be done. It takes patience and plenty of commitment. Good luck and I hope that helped

Sarah T

[autumn08]

Hi Hyperduck,


Thank you very much for replying and sharing the comic. I agree we should figure out what we need to satisfy our brains, but I don't know what my answer is yet. I know what I want, but I don't know where I'm going to end up. Knowing that you see my chances of being happy as small, while trying to fit into your perceived requirements for a 'normal' male in society, helps me with my process though. Thank you again.

P.S. I hope don't come across as being against transitioning. I'm very happy for you.

[Kara.A.I]

Hyperduck_23, I love that link you posted. It's so.... perfect! I agree with your response, as it also makes a ton of sense and offers great insight.

Autumn08: I do understand where you're coming from. I'm MtF and just began my medical transition almost a month ago. I'm 24 and I've battled accepting myself for years and years. It causes me so much anguish and self denial. I hated myself. Why couldn't I just be "normal" or just a "normal" gay man. I though the universe was throwing one gigantic prank on my shoulders. I tried "forgetting" about it and thought if I made myself a more macho butch male I'd find happiness, like joining the army. But, that obviously didn't work. I haven't been able to have any real romantic relationships because I knew I was essentially lying to myself and the other person, and that's not fair.

Finally, about four+ months ago I had a mental break down. I couldn't hide it anymore. I had to do something or I knew I probably wouldn't be alive for much longer. Explore who you are and try to slowly let go of your internalized transphobia. Live your truth. It's not worth living a lie that destroys you inside out. I wish you the best!

-Kara


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Rejennyrated]

Simple and intelligently insightful question... Simple answer really - choose a partner who is Bi/pan

Only that way can you get into a relationship and have a better than evens chance that she will not be freaked by you later possibly choosing to transition.

Its one of the saddest and unfortunately most persistent stories on here - people who got into relationships with some girl who became the love of their life while they were presenting as male - and are then oddly surprised when she dumps or divorces them once they reveal themselves to be a woman inside. A few relationships do survive mainly because the wife/girlfriend was probably secretly bi/pan, but a lot don't.

Heck people its not rocket science here - if you want her to probably still want you after you change genders then you do need her to be someone who can find both genders attractive.

The people I feel genuinely sorry for are the old-timers, (people of age 40 and over) who got married a long while back when things were less open than they are today. They can legitimately claim that they didn't know about any of this. What does surprise and sadden me is the number of quite young people who naively still seem to be making the mistake of marrying a straight girl when most of them must have some inkling that perhaps one day in the future they might need to transition. That's called serious lack of forward planning in my book! Even you think you can beat this, and some do think that for a while, for heaven sake invest in a parachute folks. Her being bi or pan is that emergency escape chute.

[DianneM]

Hi Autumn 08,

I'm 57......lived a lie all of these years..... 2 failed marriages....4 kids and a third marriage to the woman I thought could finally 'cure' me, 'fulfill' me, call it what you want, is now unraveling at the seams in a very unpleasant manner.
I thank God for my kids but living in denial of myself has cost me and others untold hurt and pain and if I had to do it over again......
I'm now starting transition and have never felt so alive.
I hope that everything works well for you and you can find your place....good luck!
Hugs
Dianne
xo

[Qrachel]

Dear Autumn:

As you have probably gathered by now there is virtually no likelihood that you'll find a strategy to live with "IT" and preserve the past as the future . . . I wish I could argue differently but I can't.  Decades of denial nearly ended it all for me.  I was pretty sure my rather up-scale somewhat conservative family wouldn't take my disclosure well - they didn't to put it mildly, but let's not make this about me.

Ref: The Matrix -"You took the 'red' pill and there is no going back and the rabbit hole is long, twisted and deep."  What will be will be for others and there's virtually nothing you can do other than be loving and accept that for some people the idea of accepting a trans family member is just to far for them to stretch.  They aren't bad or awful people for feeling that way (and neither are you!!!) as long as they express their lack of acceptance in such a way as to state the matter and find a way to get on with successful lives for all. 

Maybe your family will be different, but either way you aren't going to ever have happiness and fulfillment until your self-expression is true to your soul and its spirit therein.

BTW: This is a great place to seek fellowship and support.  So are support groups and having a competent gender therapist is critical.  Suggest you begin to mix with others face to face who are on their gender journey too.

Also, you don't have to do everything at once and be sure to give everyone, yourself included, time to settle into their true selves.  Along the way you can have the joy of finally being on the path to peace and wholesomeness if you will simply accept it.  Sooo with joy we here welcome you as a fellow traveler on an old and mysterious path.  It is a precious gift to be chosen as such a traveler once you embrace it, which opens up a world to you unimagined . . . welcome!

Please take care along the way, stay in touch and try to enjoy as much of the journey as possible - you deserve that richly,

Rachel

[autumn08]

Hi Katy,


Thank you very much for replying and for the links. I agree that self acceptance and talking to others takes a massive load off you. Before therapy I thought I was so tough that I didn't need to disclose how I felt, but that way of thinking lead to a lot of loneliness, regardless of how much I would interact socially.

I'm sorry to hear you went through painful repercussions, after coming out. I wish you and your family all the best.

[autumn08]

Hi Sarah T,


Thank you very much for your response and your advice. You are first person I have ever communicated with who is at similar stage as I am, so it's a great pleasure to write to you.

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling defenseless against your dysphoria. At the nascent stage of my acceptance, I also felt defenseless, and I also felt the need to transition growing exponentially each day it was delayed. After a couple months though, I was able to somewhat alleviate those feelings, by acquiring a more androgynous appearance, and by doing other things not related to gender dsyphoria, which I also wasn't allowing myself to do.

Except for an intense outbreak of gender dsyphoria about 4 times per year, by my early 20s I had greatly dampened my emotions, and also I mostly stopped living for myself. By living more for myself again, and thus, trying to acquire some level of happiness, excepting that I have the right to do it, and then appreciating the experience of what I have, the side effects you described have been allayed to a more manageable level.

I'm not recommending that you follow the path I'm on, of course. I don't even know yet what path I will end up on. What I'm trying to convey is that I'm very happy you have found a path which will bring you happiness, and as a result your suffering may also soon reach a more manageable level.

To answer your first question, "Can you live a fulfilled life if you are lying to yourself?" No, I don't think I can. In my original post I gave an example where I was lying to myself. I should have specified though that this was mostly out of habit. Another thing I'm doing is trying to discover these types habits and ways of thinking I have imbedded in myself, except how I honestly feel, and then find a way of going about the same situation in a way that will make me happy.

To answer your second question, "If I get you right what you want to do is transition and keep the relationship intact?" Not quite. What I'm trying to do is figure out if transition is a necessary to be in a fulfilling romantic relationship.

[LizK]

Hi Autumn

I don't think any two journeys are the same however we have some similarities...My decision is based not only on how I feel at the moment but how I am likely to feel the future. I know my past and I know I tried everything to deal with this apart form accepting what I needed to do to make myself happy.

The reason I asked you the two questions I did is because they were the same questions I asked myself. You get one go around in this life and I have wasted far too much of it being concerned about what "might" happen if I came out and lived an authentic life. You do not know what will happen when you come out...it is possibly one of the big things during transition that you have very little control over. Once the decision to transition was made I then set about working on the acceptance part...no acceptance was likely to end badly for me. I must say though once I did reach that point much of the garbage in my head ceased to have any relevance and pretty much stopped within 24hrs. Yes I still get the odd occasion when that thinking starts up again, but I am aware and can squash it easily.

You talk about dampening your emotions

"by my early 20s I had greatly dampened my emotions, and also I mostly stopped living for myself"

That is a really sad statement when you think about what you are saying. I can relate...more about survival mode than "living"

"Not quite. What I'm trying to do is figure out if transition is a necessary to be in a fulfilling romantic relationship. "

This statement is full of questions that you are clearly trying to answer. I don't have the right answer all I have is an opinion and it is this...I don't think I could live the rest of my life not being out. This is such a core part of me and having to supress this part of me for all those years is very unhealthy...in the end my difficulties ended up manifesting themselves in ways I could not control...nightmares, sleepwalking, weight loss, poor sleep and the list goes on...

I have a very close and loving partner who has some real issues over my transition but her bottom line is that she can see what it is doing to me and knows in her heart that I will be a happier person for it. It is on this basis that we continue to move forward...very slowly but we are still moving. When she said "till death do us part" she meant every word of it and so did I. I do know that with the change in my appearance to a more androgynous look she has commented that I appear happier and more settled within myself. I would have to agree...when all the garbage is removed from your head it is amazing what we are left with...

I really do wish you luck and hope that my rambling thoughts are of some help

Sarah T

[autumn08]

Hi Kara,


Thank you very much for replying. I'm sorry to hear about all of the pain you have gone through, but I'm very happy to hear that you have started your medical transition. I'm 26 and I have gone through a lot of what you have described. Gender Dysphoria has also caused me much anguish, self denial, and self hatred. I also tried "forgetting" about it and thought that if I made myself a macho male I'd find happiness. Thus, in an effort to find a male role model I would be happy emulating, I read a lot of books and watched a lot of Humphrey Bogart movies. Lol. Just like with your efforts though, it didn't work.

Romantic relationships have also been hard for me, because I also knew I was essentially lying to myself and the other person. I also didn't see that as fair, so whenever I sensed that the person I was with wanted a commitment, I would suddenly become very busy, and start introducing her to any single friends I had, whom I felt could be a good match. It makes me sad thinking about it, because living this way made me break contact with some of the kindest, most fun, and most interesting people I've met.

Thankfully, I have been able to get rid of a lot of my internalized transphobia, and I am living much more honestly. It is causing what I call, "side effects," which possibly may only be resolved by medically transitioning. Thank you for your advice and kind wishes.

[autumn08]

Hi Rejennyrated,


Thank you very much for replying, and for complementing my question. I think we logicize in a similar manner, because the advice you gave me, is also the only alternative to transitioning I have been able to think of.

After accepting that I am transgender, I don't think that I can beat this anymore, but I think it may be possible that if I was with a bi/pan sexual woman, whom I love and could confide in that I am transgender and not feel that it makes a difference to her, I may be satisfied enough to not need to transition. Envisioning a future where I am satisfied enough, doesn't feel very enticing, but when weighing it against the cons of transitioning, it may be the best future I can hope for. Half the time I think f**k practicality, I need to transition, so just being with a bi/pan sexual woman may not be sustainable course, but as you said, it provides an emergency escape chute.

In order to figure out what I need to do in the present, I think I need to think more about if the substantial increase in happiness, resulting from transition, is worth the substantial sacrifice, or not. I have yet to hear from any transgender person living a happy life without transitioning, so joining this forum has added more weight to the idea that I should start transitioning now.

P.S. To anyone interested in attracting a bi sexual female, before transitioning, I was able to do this frequently, without intending to, during the periods when I would adopt a more feminine appearance, and especially in my late teens, during my heavy metal phase. I've found that if a woman is very fixated on your long hair, there is high probability that she is bi.

[ChasingAlice]

Side effects of acceptance include less anxiety and depression for me. Gives me hope for the future.

[autumn08]

Hi Dianne,


Wow, you have been through a lot. I'm sorry to hear that your third marriage is unraveling, but that is wonderful to hear that you never felt more alive.

Something that brings me comfort when I think about lost time, and unintended negative consequences, is an acceptance of determinism. This helps me feel normal and allows me to begin to forgive myself, after I try to make things right.

Thank you for your kind words and your compassion.


Hugs,

Autumn

[autumn08]

Hi Rachel,


Thank you for replying and for your wise words. When I read, "either way you aren't going to ever have happiness and fulfillment until your self-expression is true to your soul and its spirit therein," it made think about the relationship between self expression and fulfillment. I think we need to express ourselves as much as we feel we are capable of doing, in order to be fulfilled. Meaning if someone does not believe they will ever be able to transition, they can still find fulfillment, because of their lowered expectations, but someone who at least feels that at someone point they can transition, will not feel fulfilled without transitioning.

Knowing that, when I try to dissuade myself from transitioning, I map out a future where the detrimental effects of transitioning always outweigh the positive effects. Thus, it is a future of me always busy, and never satisfied. It's the way I live now, but if I continue like this, I think on my death bed I will be "raging against the dying of the light," (ref: Dylan Thomas).

I'm so sorry to hear decades of denial nearly ended it for you, and that your family didn't take your disclosure well. Also, by all means make this about yourself. It comforts me to read other people's stories.

Thank you for your kind, poetic and optimistic welcome. The outpouring of support I have received is very heartwarming. Also, I am planning on mixing with others face to face soon.

Take care. I hope I run into you again.

[autumn08]

Hi Sarah,


Thank you for writing back. Your thoughts are very helpful, and thought provoking. I like how you described the thoughts we acquire from repression, as garbage. I feel the same way, and sometimes I get angry at myself for putting them there, when the entire time the truth was always staring at me.

I can relate to what you mean by survival mode. I was suicidal for most of my early and mid teens, but then as I was telling Rachel, I made myself very busy. Those were scary times, so I'm very glad your no longer there.

I'm so happy to hear you have a close and loving partner, who is staying with you, "until death do us part." It's great the two of are making progress and that she appreciates the happiness and comfort that transitioning is bringing you.

One of the most beautiful lines I've heard about transitioning, is one the last ones from your message, "when all the garbage is removed from your head it is amazing what we are left with." I'm going to keep that one with me.

I also wish you the best of luck, and thank you.

[autumn08]

Hi VKC,


Thank you very much for your response. I'm very happy to hear you are experiencing less anxiety, less depression and more optimism. I'm grateful that I'm also experiencing those things. Even with all it's difficulties, this is the best time of my life.