53 and conflicted

[Denise]

First - let me apologize for the length of my introduction; I'm finding that writing this is very therapeutic.

Born biologically Male 53 years ago.  That's the only thing I'm pretty sure about.  My story...

I was always a "cute" kid, blond hair, and skinny.  I'm the youngest of three kids.  My brother and sister are 6 and 7 years older than me.  I'm emotionally close with my sister (I have confided in her my suspensions of Transgender thoughts) and not very close to my brother. My parents are still alive and are set in their ways.  I see them maybe once per year as they are 1000 miles away doing their own thing.  I've been married to my wife for 30+ years and we have two fantastic grown (out of the house on their own) kids.

It wasn't until recently (a few months) that I started to put together the pieces of my life after my wife, innocently, asked one day "you don't seem happy sometimes."  So I started to reflect on my life and feelings (internally to myself) and WHAM it hit me, I don't like what reflects in the mirror.  Then  the task was to figure out why.  As I started to look back some of my earliest thoughts started to come back to me.  When I was really young (8 yo maybe) I remember asking my mother if I was supposed to be a girl.  Her reaction was to "laugh it off" and say "no."  My mom, as most mothers, were all-knowing.  I took her word for it.

All throughout elementary school, I remember constantly hearing, "you would make a pretty girl."  My reaction would always be embarrassment, denial or laugh it off, but I'm thinking now, the silent voice in my head was getting stronger by each of those comments.  Growing up I remember clearly ONE TIME trying on my mother's clothes.  I remember thinking - this is fun but these clothes don't fit.

Jump ahead to about 5 or 6 years ago; the kids are out of the house with lots of time with my wife.  We would go to the mall or where ever and I would always suggest looking for clothes for her. For no reason other than she's attractive and I like seeing her in nice clothes.   At this point I'm not having thoughts of Gender Dysphoria or being Transgender; but rather jealousy and envy.  We actually talk a lot about "that girl's outfit or her shoes ... "  etc.

As luck would have it my wife went away for few days on a trip that I declined to join her 6 months prior.  While she was away I made a trip to the Goodwill stores in the area and picked up two pairs of heels, one dress and two skirts.  Then a trip to a neighboring Walmart for panties and bra.  What surprised me the most during the Walmart trip was that I was not all that nervous.  Sure the heart was beating, but more excited than nervous.  My attitude was - so what I'm buying panties and a bra.

After wearing the dress around the house one day I found it to be "settling" and "comforting."  The next morning I woke up early, put the dress back on and for a drive.  I even took a short walk while I was out.  (note: driving a stick shift in heels is interesting.)  It felt liberating to say the least.

When I first started writing this I was VERY troubled with how to proceed and let my wife know.  She means more to me than anything else and I'm not willing to risk losing her.  However; I believe I have worked out a solution: Professional help.  I've seen that same comment on many posts here (thank you).  She opened the door with "Sometimes you don't seem happy."  My very delayed response will be "I think I want to see someone about it."

Thank you for the forum to do a brain dump.

P.J.

[LizK]

Pj Welcome to Susans and thanks for the great intro. That could have been me writing that intro although I am slightly younger 52. The rest however, grown kids, 30 years marriage etc all the same. There are some differences in our personal stories but all that means is that your experience may be different to mine,  It does not make yours any less valid or mine any more valid.

I think seeing a therapist who is knowledgeable in transgender issues is a great start. Do you have any idea where you would like to go with this, is it something you think you will be happy to do occasionally or is it more I have to do this all the time and now? Have you considered if you want to make any physical changes to your body?

My spouse knew before we were married but I must say she was happy not to see it and I was happy to bury and deny it, we made a great team. Fortunately for me I was forced to deal with my issues and am now, much happier about who I am, and where I am going. It could well be a tough road with your spouse, but you describe this as being quite new to you, as well. So maybe this could be an opportunity to learn together? Can you proceed with your life knowing what you now know, without telling her? Without acting upon it?s You could be surprised at her reaction...for my wife and I we are well past our relationship being just physical so as with you, I would imagine the feelings are so deeply ingrained in you, its like she is a physical part of you.

My wife has re-committed to stay with me no matter what the outcome of my transition is. I have also committed to her and as such I think our relationship at the moment has never been stronger. It is not easy to get to this point but with 30 years in you will know how to talk to your wife and if I could suggest...take it slowly...be honest...tell her what you know...tell her what you fear...be honest. The longer you keep it from her the harder it will become for you.

I hope some of that helps and you can navigate you way through this...there is so much good information and support here. You could also try contacting your local LGBTQ centre to see what resources are in your local area.

Good luck

Sarah T

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Don't worry about the length of your post as I have a real monster over on the voice thread that makes this one microscopic. People discover what they are at almost any age. I found my self at 13 but some people figure it out at age 3. We have other on this form just starting in your age range or older. Other than that there is little difference between what you feel and what I once felt. As for your wife, that tends to run 50/50 around here. If your wife is accepting, you should have a long happy life together. Feel free to ask any questions you may have. I have many years of knowledge and if I don't know it, somebody else will be along with the answer.

P.S. You will learn about driving bare foot. Dirt on the floor really marks up shoes and to keep them looking nice I take them off while driving.

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[cheryl reeves]

Telling your spouse is going to be the hardest thing you ever do. I told my wife 16 yrs ago when my transgender hit the fan,we had been married 11 yrs at that time,I was dressing when my wife wasn't home and thought I did a good job at hiding,then I had a chat affair that my wife caught me in after 3 days of no sleep for either of us,just talking like we hadn't done in yrs.the loss of our daughter and my depression,and finally reminded her of when I told her while we were dating that I like dressing and being feminine. She was hurt but hurt that I didn't feel I could do this with her,she asked me if I wanted to transition,told her no for I don't have bottom disphoria like some do and since I already have breasts I didn't feel the need for hormones. It's been a long 16 years with me going back stealth for 8 of em,nowadays I am back dressing and refinding my balance,be married 27 years in December and the best choice I ever made was telling her,she has been my rock and I spoil her rotten.

[cindianna_jones]

Before you do anything else, do get some advice from a therapist. He or she will help you sort through your feelings and perhaps figure out the best way to tell your wife. Be openly frank with your therapist. Don't hide anything.

The second thing you should do is tell your wife. It WILL be the hardest thing you will ever do. There may be lots of fallout, but never get angry. Remember, you've lived with this off and on for all your life. This is going to fall on her like a big slab of concrete. Be patient, loving, understanding, and help her come to terms with it in HER way. Yes, this part sucks, but who knows... you may decide to do nothing about these thoughts and feelings.

Many of us have been through this. I did it when my children were far to young to understand. She sued for divorce within a few months. That's why I recommend the therapist route first.

However, this is your life. Don't take my advice... because you don't know me and my advice is free and worth every penny. Do what you think is best in your situation. I'm just giving you options.

Best of luck
Cindi

[V M]

Hi P.J. 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[HollyP]

Hi PJ - Welcome...  Seems a LOT of us have the same story, just on a different page.  I went to wife first then therapy but they were within weeks of each other.  Not sure I disagree with Cindi this is all pretty new to you - maybe get the help sorting and telling wife.  What I can tell you is it will be a lot easier on you once you can open up to someone.  Secrets are relationship killers.  You opened up to yourself, give your partner the same opportunity.  Good luck, drop in and keep us posted.  Wishing you all the best, xo -Holly

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi pj,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

Remember to cut yourself.a little slack sure you may have been born biological something, the real question is; what were you born neurologically?  A person is not defined by what's between their legs; it's what's between their ears is the principal determining factor. The good news is that fact is proven by the fact you've been guided by that for a long time, assisted by the perceptions of others in your field of influence. The people we all associate with are the mirror of life that's reflected back to us. 

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be kind to yourself, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[MsMarlo]

Hi PJ and welcome to the family!

Hey, 53 is the new 35, right?  (I'm 52, so that's the new 25).  In any case, don't you let age be an issue.

I am making this brief as I only have a few minutes before I have to get back out on the interstate, but sharing (I don't like the term telling) your spouse is a HUGE step, yet not one to be overly intimidated by.  Talking to a therapist first is an awfully good move, almost necessary.  It is not that there is anything wrong with you, because there is not; rather, you need to get feelings out that will get you in the right frame of mind.

I know it was brief, but let me know if this helps any.  My wife and I have been together for 14 happy years with no end in sight.  Communication is a given; what is key is how you communicate.

Be safe, hun

Marlo