Family in Limbo

[AprilV]

In April 2015 i came out by phone to my my Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, 2 daughters, and 1 son all of whom live out of state.. Everyone was accepting, supportive, but showed concern. My parents even went and talked to someone at a Transgender support group trying to get an understanding about the transition i was undertaking going from male to female.

Forward 7 months and 6 months HRT my family relationships are stuck in the mud. Kids haven't talked to me,  I have skyped and introduced myself to my Sis , but she so far is the only one who has seen the new me. Mom has her own issues she's dealing with as she is 73 and is overwhelmed with family health issues. Everytime time i try to set up a skype time with Mom it never happens as she 's feeling bad, tired, or stressed out. I feel i am running into the "out of site out of mind issue". 

When i came out i decided to give everyone time to adjust and wrap their head around what i am doing. In those 7 months we have talked and discussed the particulars of my transition but nobody seems to just step forward to push the Family part of my journey into overdrive.It's like everyone is waiting for me to pull them in but i really don't know how to do this.I am used to my parents being proactive, but in this case they aren't. Not sure how much to tell them as sometime i feel embarrassed to say thing like "my boobs are growing".

In short my questions are:

What can i do from a distance to get my family more interested and involved?
Am i wrong to expect my family to voluntarily be involved and show more interest? Or is it all up to me to bring them along on my journey?
Am i being impatient?

Any thoughts would be helpful.

Sincerely,

April

[Dena]

Not much of an idea, but take a really good picture of yourself and go to the local office supply shop or store where they make custom christmas cards and have your picture printed on it. This year everybody get a christmas card from you. We have old restored cars that move through our yard all the time and my mom sends out custom cards every year with her posing with one of the cars. It's not very expensive and it will send a message.

[AprilV]

My GF suggested Xmas cards and I might just do that.

[AprilV]

Ordered the Xmas cards with my pic on them. Thi should be fun.

Thanks,

[Dena]

If your avatar is anything like the picture on the card, their only response should be WOW.

[AprilV]

Aww thanks lovely Dena . big smile.


Actually I am using my Avatar pic on the cards. Lol! As it's the most recent and was taken late Nov .


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[LizK]

Hi AprilV

My folks are in NZ and are in their 70's. I have been struggling with getting my mother to talk to me. It wasn't until yesterday nearly three months since I came out to her that she actually spoke to me about my future...the three months prior to that when I would skype it would only be my father with a fleeting glimpse of my mother. Prior to coming out she would sit and chat for an hour no problem.

I understand the hurt that can occur when you feel rejected by your family or part of it.

Has your family had a chance to see you slowly change or has it been male presentation and then pretty quickly onto female presentation...how would they see it? As being quick?  How long have they had to get used to the idea that you are transitioning? If it is still fairly new to them then they could well be all working through their own grieving processes. They may be  grieving for the loss of a son, uncle, brother, father and all those other things you are to other people.

I try and keep the lines of communication open

I use humour to break the ice

I continue to talk to them as though nothing has changed I am still me but getting happier

I write to them...some people will find it easier to write

Some won't know how to engage with you because they think they don't know you. It may be a good thing if you show them how to.

I don't think you are being impatient, it may be time to have some one on one time with some of these family members and see if you can't find out what they are thinking.

I don't really know but I hope the suggestions are of some help and I am "not teaching my mother to suck eggs"

Sarah T

[AprilV]

Thanks for the reply Sarah,

Both my parents are 73 and live out of town. My sister has been really cool and has pretty much come around to the idea she has a new sister.

Before i told my family of my intention to transition i was in the closet up until about 3 years ago when i started going out in public on the weekends, doing research, makeup, and making friends in the LGBT community, Etc... Over a year ago, playing duel roles wasn't working for me anymore so i started planning out my transition and saw a psychiatrist and chose an Endo. Last April 2015 while working on getting my HRT letter i informed my family i was in a new relationship, was leaving my job (contract was ending anyway), moving to a new state, and transitioning to female all of which has happened.

My family is liberal and they all accepted what i was doing (except my kids), but given the distance between us, weirdness of the situation, and the fast pace i am on everyone else is so far behind. My parents are not involved every step of the way but probably would be if they lived closer.

My mother feels as if she has lost a son. She has so many other issues going on that sometimes there isn't time for me and i get impatient. I'm also am not so self absorbed that i don't consider other's feeling when i try to pull them into my journey. Sometimes i worry too much like sending a pic may upset someone.

My Mother and i have had in depth conversations about my transition and is waiting for me i guess to move them along and include them, but for whatever reason i really wanted them to step up like they always have in the past.

So from now on i will be emailing them updates and pics of my activities and skype.

Sometimes i feel my courage runs dry and i get tired. Could be worse as i've been lucky in that my transition overall has been pretty smooth compared to my friends experiences.

Thanks for al the help and suggestions. It really helped just writing this out.

Hugs,

April