I came out to my parents just now... they were wonderful, I feel terrible

[FtMitch]

So I went to my new gender therapist today, a different one from the one who gave me my T referral.  I wanted to start fresh with someone without feeling like I had to say the right things to get my HRT letter.  Mostly I went because I suffer from intense shame of being trans, but ONLY to my parents.  Anyone else, heck, I couldn't care less if it bothers them or not.  But my parents have been my best friends my whole life, and I have always feared disappointing these people I love so much.  So today I came out about having gender issues.  Note that I dress like a man and talk about gender issues all the time, so it didn't come to a big surprise to them.  But I couldn't bring myself to say "I am transgender" or "I want to transition."  All I could say was "I have some gender issues," "I'm seeing a gender therapist," "I think I am transgender," and "I think maybe I'm a guy."  This is despite the fact that the ONLY reason I'm not on T yet is because I wanted to tell my parents first, and there is no question at ALL in my mind that I am a man.  Nor am I ashamed of being a man--to anyone BUT my parents.  (Can you tell I have a psychological issue here, lol?)

My parents expressed that they are thrilled that I am seeing a gender therapist, and they want me to discover my identity, whatever it is, and live however will make me happy.  This just made me feel like a guilty heaping pile of you-know-what for not being completely honest and just telling them: "I don't THINK I'm trans, I AM trans, and I am excited to become physically closer to the man that I am inside."  But I couldn't do it.  I couldn't even bring myself to tell them I want them to use male pronouns or use my masculine name (they still call me "she").  Instead I just cried and said thank you.  I feel like a pitiful, weak fool.  What is wrong with me?  Here they are, being so wonderful about it, but I can't even admit to them the full truth.  I thought coming out about this would make me feel better, but I still feel like a liar, because I'm still lying to some degree.  By omission, anyway. 

Why can't I grow some dang balls, irony of that statement not intended?  What is wrong with me that I can't bring myself to tell my parents OR my best friend?  I guess part of it is that I am scared to death that they are going to question the validity of my identity and that will somehow mean I'm just losing my mind and need to get a reality check... Actually, I guess that IS it, and I am glad I wrote this post because I didn't realize that until I typed it.  That is it exactly.  Because my best friend will have no problem with it at all--she is absolutely a trans ally.  But I am afraid to tell her, too.  I'm not afraid to tell co-workers or not-as-close friends or strangers because their opinions don't make me feel like my identity is at stake if they don't see what I see in myself.

I am glad I took this first step, but I don't know what to do next.  My next therapy session was supposed to be in two weeks, but I am going to try and move it to next week, because I don't know if I can stand all this angst and hope he will have some suggestions for how to talk to my parents.  I just want to get on with transition and be happy.  I have been SO much happier since I recognized what was different about me, there has been SO much more hope and joy in my life.  I just want to continue down that path instead of angsting about what my parents and best friend are going to think.  Yet I can't make myself rip off the Band Aid.  That's what I tried to do tonight, but it's like I just peeled off an edge, and the rest of it is still stuck to my arm. 

Any advice on how to deal with these feelings?  I'm sorry if I sound like I've gone crazy.  I'm just really emotional right now. 

[Kylo]

I've no idea why you'd feel that ashamed of telling them the truth - if a person really loves and respects you then they will welcome the truth and your trust more than lies, surely. Even if it's not ideal to them.

If you think they will think you are losing your mind, how about you give them a reality check - show them the proof that this exists in the medical profession and "out there" that there are many, many people born with this condition. It's not made up and in your head. It exists. It is a thing. There are books, studies and scientific journals on ->-bleeped-<-, there are medical definitions, counselors and therapists that exist for it, and millions of users on forums just like this one. That might help to dispel the idea it's "all in your head".

[sparrow]

I can't tell you how to cope, but I do understand you 100%.  There are people in my life whose reactions are a foregone conclusion.  The ones who are supportive, I tell without hesitation.  The ones who will be hateful, i don't care what they know and so I'm at ease with myself around them.

The problem people are the ones whose reactions I can't predict.  My mom is in that camp.  I wish my dad was alive... among other reasons, he'd be SUPER stoked to have a daughter, even if said daughter could still beat his ass (you hear that, dad!?  in heels and a skirt! *ahem* um... nevermind that little outburst).   My mom will *eventually* support me.  She's going to be weird about stuff, but she'll come around.  I've been dropping big and small hints, so when I finally tell her, it will click.  But... eventually is the key word.  How long will it take?  How will she behave in the meantime?

Really... I know how useless it is to say "there there, don't feel terrible," but... there there, don't feel terrible about yourself.  Look, you HAVE to protect yourself from possible sources of stress.  The stakes are the absolute highest for your parents and best friends.  If you're unsure of how they'll respond, of course you will be anxious about telling them!  Worrying over it, only telling them a half truth, etc., are natural.  When you tell them more of the truth later, they'll understand why you didn't tell them everything from the get-go.  Coping with that in the meantime?  Beyond me.  But you'll have compassion for your actions in the future, if not now.

[captains]

Will try to respond later, but I am 100% and unequivocally in the same boat. You're not alone.

[Katiepie]

You are definitely not alone. I dread the day and also will be thrilled for the day when I finally tell my brother... Just the timing is so far off from everything because excuses and being busy all the time on my side as well as his.
When I told my mom i was and am transgender, she didn't bat an eyelid, but came support, although there remains that due to her knowing me 28 years as my birth name and gender, she politely asked if she could use such until it is officially changed, which I agreed upon, and same went with my dad. So well support goes in full as I 100% dress female, and etc.
I know with the support that my family gives, I dont want to burden them too bad with all the emotional stress I go through day in day out, so I keep those not too visible, though my dad knows a lot about the stress that I have at work and their legal discrimination that has been going on since he had to pick me up from work one day due to me having a huge panic attack because I couldn't manage that day, and so on the car ride home, I let him know of all the stressors and all of the harassment I was dealing with at the time. It was a lot.
Even with full support, I just feel it wouldn't be fair to them to add stress to their already high stresses as well to know that their daughter is highly stressed (if that makes any sense).
Maybe I can look into a gender therapist that would be inexpensive since it seems my medical has been frozen from work and such. But being busy all the time makes it challenging to find time for anything.

Kate <3

[sam1234]

No matter how old you are, what your parents will think will always matter to you. We continue to seek our parent's approval til the day they die. That is natural. There is no reason to feel ashamed that you are a transgender. As science continues to look into what makes a transgender, the issue of genetic causes are beginning to come to light. Would you be ashamed if you were born missing a finger? You didn't choose to be a transgender. You will learn to think of yourself as a man rather than a transgender after a while.

Your parents are going to have to go through some grieving in all likelihood because they have to give up a daughter. What you do with your life will mean more to your parents though, and if you move forward after you transition, it will be proof to them that you made the right decision for yourself. You and your parents are close and what matters to them is that you are happy. Eventually they will put this part of your life behind them and be proud of their son for making a difficult decision and facing the unknown.

Just because you feel guilty about what you may be putting your parents through doesn't mean you don't have a pair. Ask yourself, would your parents rather have a daughter who is unhappy and unable to live life to the fullest, or a son who is happy, feels good about himself and was able to take control of his own life?

sam1234