I've lost most of my friends

[girlofmydreams]

Hello, Im a 24 year old male and I've been in a relationship with a transgender woman since March 15th this year (yes I remember the day and time i met her, our first date, first kiss ect. im a bit smitten). I knew what she was when i first met her and to be truly honest i just wanted to try something new and kinky and if it had stayed like that it probably wouldnt have lasted long. But as cliche movies have shown us the heart is a mysterious thing, I started spending alot of time with her and of course i fallen for her hard. I've introduced her to my friends starting slowly of course, first my cousin and his fiance which went ok, they were very polite to her in person though a little snide when she wasnt around (meant as jokes, however i didn't find them very funny). then my best friend since i was 5, he accepted her immediately and they get along quite well (but he as always been a very accepting person, no matter what race. religion, sexuality ect that you are, all he will see is a person). These are the only 2 friends i have left. The rest of the introductions were a regrettable mess that ended in horrible things being said, a fistfight with someone i considered a good friend and my girlfriend crying in the bathroom. I naively thought it would go well at first, i introduced her as my girlfriend (nothing mentioned about her being transgender) and most of them didnt notice, but a couple of them did and within seconds it was spread around the little party, it was truly awe inspiring. They weren't so accepting...

She has very little contact with her family since her transition, her sister lives overseas but keeps in contact with her through skype and fb (they are close)  but apart from that she may hear from the rest of family at christmas, by the sounds of things its more of an obligation to them and not that they want to see her. She also has no friends, I've become her entire world.

Recently the flat she was renting went on the market so she had to find a new place to live, I suggested she live with me because it would be cheaper for the both of us and so when I get home from work her beautiful face is the first thing I see and im happy with the arrangement and she seems happy too. My parents are coming to town for christmas, so is my brother and my extended family. This has given me a feeling of absolute dread, if i thought my friends were close minded and ignorant then words to describe my family havent been invented yet. They are going to meet her and I dont see it going well at all. Im not worried for myself, i dont really care what people think of me, as my username states shes the girl of my dreams and if I end up alienated with only her by my side then thats fine by me, shes all i want and need in my life. But i do worry for her, she doesnt have tough skin like me, her self esteem is very low and i often find myself having to convince her that shes gorgeous and wonderful and worthy. She often questions why im with her and unfortunately I have no good answers for her, Im with her because like i stated, shes gorgeous, wonderful and worthy of being with but she has a hard time believing that. Im afraid that when she meets my family, if they dont accept her it will destroy her and I see no possible way of stopping it from happening other than saying to my family i dont want to see them at all on christmas. A, that wont go down well and B, they wont listen anyway, they will just arrive.

So why am I here telling you guys this? Im not really looking for advice as I dont think there is any to give, its quite a hopeless situation in my eyes, the only way to spare her from it that i can see is to let her go, call me selfish but i dont want to. Im here to share, i dont have anyone i can talk to about this, neither of my 2 friends i have left would really understand. I know transgenders can have a hard time in life and i've learned its also hard being in a relationship with a transgender. Is there anyone else here in a similar situation? If so I would really just like to chat about this, maybe there are things i can do to minimize harm. there is alot more i could write but this has taken me a while, have to constantly minimize so that my girlfriend doesn't see. I look foward to hearing from....well, anyone.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. There are some things you may or may not have talked about. Many of us are lucky in life and are able to bring the people from our past with us but others are not so lucky. Those people often go stealth and burry as much of their links to the past as possible starting a new life in a new location, new job and new set of social contacts. It's hard to do but for some, it's all they can do. Others still do a stealth lite where they they maintain a few contacts from the past but mostly they start a new life. It sounds like your girl may be in the latter group. It would be really great if your family was as accepting as you but it appears you may not be sure about that. I would suggest before the meeting, you talk to your family about it to get a feel how they will react. If you think they are going to react badly, you should avoid the meeting between the two and consider who you want to spend your life with in the future. I hope that your acceptance of others is something you learned from your family and they feel the same way you do.

Most important you need to talk about this with your girl. Hopefully she will be able to tell you how she feels and she may decide to sit the visit out somewhere else and then return after it's over.  In the future your family will become a lesser part of your life and the person you chose to be with will become your primary concern. Even in CIS couples a spouse may be rejected and this issue occurs. Often the spouse is chosen over the family. Think about this carefully because there are older people who regret losing their first love.

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[BridgetYvonne]

1st of all, welcome! 2nd I too have lost 'friends' since I came out in Apr '15. The ones that have stayed w/ me & Vikki are showing their true colors. Im not saying that there hasn't been talk but slowly but surely they have come to accept me. Some have even been curious (what when why & how, mostly why & how) sometimes the questions & answers I like but I have been honest. My body is now in synch w/ my mind. I am lucky that my GF/mentor Vikki has been w/ me almost 3 years. It sure has been a bumpy ride I dont look like Jennifer Lawrence but I sure don't look like Joey Lawrence Stay w/ your friend, give her all the support as im sure she will give you. Good Luck! 

[Peep]

I agree with Dena - you could try talking to your family beforehand if you feel like you're risking throwing your gf into the deep end. But ask her first - she might prefer to take the chance that they won't clock her.

[Laura_7]

Here are a few resources that might help:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194946.msg1736596.html#msg1736596

Transgender people often are sensitive, kind of reading other peoples expectations.
You might help her a bit, and reassure her.


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[girlofmydreams]

First of all, thank you all for the replies, they mean alot to me. wish i had found some of these resources before my first ever date with her as i didnt realise some words that i had used could actually be offensive. I read that they are frowned apon here to use so i wont say which ones but i think you can guess. She didn't make a big deal about it but I could tell she didn't like them so I avoid them now. I try never to refer to as transgender at all anyway as she identifies as a woman and in my eyes thats what she is, she is pre op which took a little while to get used to admittedly but these days it doesn't bother me.....I would go as far as saying that I like it and she is still a girl to me. Is it bad that i say "she's a woman to me"? I feel I should be saying shes a woman in general but in my experience most people haven't seen her that way, alot of comments are usually "she's a dude" or something along those lines but shes not, by the stories she tells me she never was truly a boy, she just had a boys body.

I frankly want to avoid her meeting my family in general but i feel it may offend her if I suggest she stays away from me over christmas to avoid meeting my family, not to mention the idea of her spending christmas alone as i dont think her family is coming up this year just breaks my heart, plus I want to spend christmas with her and not my family as she means more to me then they ever did. So i dont seem like a jerk I feel I should explain why I feel that way about my family. My father never wanted to be a dad and he projected that on me as often as he could through torrents of emotional abuse, I credit him with the reason I have such tough skin when it comes to other peoples word and opinions, I find it funny because I've been in support groups for this reason and everyone there had such low self-worth and esteem as a result of what they had been through but I was quite the opposite, my father was constantly unemployed and an alcoholic who mooched off anyone he could and had no desire to achieve anything more than getting drunk and stoned all day, while his words hurt me when i was young, as I got a little older and was able to form an opinion on the world his words started to mean nothing as to me he was just a piece of garbage. When I was 17 I left school and started my own business in property maintenance with only a crappy lawnmower, a secondhand chainsaw, hedge trimmer and a rented weed-eater. Today I have 6 employees that help me maintain 45 upmarket properties including 6 which belong to billionaires and they are soo huge that they are woth almost $5000 a visit to us. I feel I worked so hard at it because i wanted to prove to myself that im better than my family (might sound douchey but ohwell). To have someone who has never even tried to achieve anything try to belittle me almost makes me laugh. My mother was a methamphetamine addict when i was a child, her life became so dangerous that when i was 10 i was taken away from her and put into the care of my grandparents on my dads side. my grandma and grandad were my real parents as they loved me and took care of me to the best of the abilities. My grandfather passed away 3 years ago and my grandmother has become frail in her old age so I help look after her and so does my girlfriend, she is the only member of my family that I have introduced my girlfriend to, I felt that it was safe because although my grandmother is old fashioned and doesn't understand that homosexuality and gender confusion isn't a choice someone makes, I would never know for sure if she accepted my girlfriend and my feelings for her as if my grandmothers opinion could hurt someone, she will keep it to herself (she wonderful like that, yes she has her prejudices but she never vocalizes them). All she asked me after my girlfriend had been around for a while was, "shes different, isn't she?" "do you love her?" "does she make you happy?" "then that is all that matters and im happy for you too". She even gave me the ring my grandfather gave to her when they got married incase she passed away before we get married.

Writing all of this out is quite helpful I've found, As I re-read though my first post I put up I had a really good idea. I have a fair amount in my savings (trying to save so I can eventually buy my own house one day) I thought, instead of getting stressed out about the prospect of my family meeting her or trying to get rid of her before they arrive why not just leave aswell, im considering taking her to italy over christmas. A, my family wont meet her and therfore wont have the chance to hurt her (intentionally or unintentionally) B, Ive always wanted to go to italy and I mean, wont that be romantic? . That way I avoid the awkwardness of telling her I'm uncomfortable with her meeting my family, she wont even know they r going to be in town. I also want to ask her to marry me and where better than one of the most romantic countries in the world, the thought of it gives me happy butterflies, this isn't a spur of the moment thing, I've wanted to propose to her for months now, we may have only been together for 8 months but I already know I want to spend my life with her, I just hope she feels the same way and that I dont scare her off which is always a possibility.

Thank you for letting me spew all of my random thoughts on your community's website, I hope Im not annoying anyone.

PS. the captcha system asked me if im human but wont accept the answer "umm hang on i'll check...yeah I think so"

[Dena]

Don't worry about your post because all of us like happy endings and it appears you are working on one.

As for the questions when you post, I think they end at 10 post so if you are around here long enough, it will get better.

[Laura_7]

Writing all of this out is quite helpful I've found, As I re-read though my first post I put up I had a really good idea. I have a fair amount in my savings (trying to save so I can eventually buy my own house one day) I thought, instead of getting stressed out about the prospect of my family meeting her or trying to get rid of her before they arrive why not just leave aswell, im considering taking her to italy over christmas. A, my family wont meet her and therfore wont have the chance to hurt her (intentionally or unintentionally) B, Ive always wanted to go to italy and I mean, wont that be romantic? . That way I avoid the awkwardness of telling her I'm uncomfortable with her meeting my family, she wont even know they r going to be in town. I also want to ask her to marry me and where better than one of the most romantic countries in the world, the thought of it gives me happy butterflies, this isn't a spur of the moment thing, I've wanted to propose to her for months now, we may have only been together for 8 months but I already know I want to spend my life with her, I just hope she feels the same way and that I dont scare her off which is always a possibility.

Thank you for letting me spew all of my random thoughts on your community's website, I hope Im not annoying anyone.

PS. the captcha system asked me if im human but wont accept the answer "umm hang on i'll check...yeah I think so"

Yes... writing helps...

Well it seems this is close to your heart, and the idea brings you joy...
so I'd say do it 


hugs