Anyone else's partner not transitioning?

[SophieSakura]

Hi everyone.  I posted before about having problems with my partner.  Well since then he is being pretty nice to me, yay.   We are as always trying to make things work.  I honestly feel like I am straight, and don't know if I would still be able to have a relationship if he transitioned.  I could try but don't think it would work, unfortunately.  Anyway, for this reason he has decided to not transition as being with me is more of a priority (if he can do that and be happy).

I've said to him that I don't mind if he wants to transition, and I want him to be happy.  He is happy most of the time luckily and is not overly depressed, I don't think so anyway.  So hopefully he can be happy.  I do feel quite guilty and sometimes wonder if I should just leave him so that he can transition, though I don't want to.  I really hope everything will work out anyway because we're very much in love and want to be together.

I'm just wondering if there anyone who has not transitioned and been happy anyway/able to cope with it.  I personally know one person in real life who is trans but doesn't feel the need to transition or come out, and is happy.  But I wonder how common that is?  I guess the people you'd meet in forums may be more likely to transition.

[Nancy]

Hope it's okay for me to view/reply in this forum because though I am trans myself my partner is also trans -- we somehow both helped each other to come out at the same time. In answer to your question, I believe this is something that can only be looked at one a case by case basis. Body dysphoria is a significant factor here (very simply, body dysphoria is the feeling that your body is somehow at odds with itself, that certain aspects of it either should not exist or should exist yet do not), depending on how severe your partner's body dysphoria it may be possible for them to live without transitioning, and I am certainly not your or anyone's doctor but from my own personal experience I could not have done it even for a partner I loved immensely - and this is something I did have to face and consider seriously. I don't think there's any easy answer. If your partner believes she can do it then that is her decision, I could only imagine it would be something that would take an immense amount of communication between you two and a depth of understanding that likely your relationship has not yet seen the likes of - simply because the journey will surely be so intense, for both of you. I suspect you will have to be prepared to make a great deal of compromises, just as she will - try not to underestimate how significant it is for someone to live a foreign identity just in order to receive the love of another person. That kind of conditional love can easily become something toxic, if you are not careful. I wish you both the best.

[SophieSakura]

Thanks for you reply.  My partner does actually use he pronouns, I'm not just misgendering him, that's his choice.  He doesn't want to deny who he is.  More like to learn to be ok with who he is, a trans person, with the body he has, the name he has, etc.  Like he wants to in time be ok with who he is and be able to deal with it, and learn that it is ok, that a woman can have a penis, etc. and still be a woman.  And hopefully with help, be happy someday and be able to cope with any dysphoria he has.

I'm not sure how severe his dysphoria is.  He says he is ok and usually very happy, and happier with me than he was before.  So hopefully it is something that he can cope with, with therapy hopefully. 

Personally I want someone to love me who loves me so much that they would do whatever they could to be with me.  But if it was affecting his health and well being then I would want him to transition, because that's how much I love him.  I'd lose him if it meant that he would be happier.

[JoanneB]

I guess it depends on your definition of "transitioning". If you mean To Change, to grow as a person, to learn who and what you are, to learn what is like to really be yourself and not "what is expected"; then (so far) I am one. After a good 6 years of taking on the trans-beast my wife and I are still together, still very much in love with each other, still adjusting to an ever changing "New Normal".

There is plenty about my transitioning she is not thrilled over. The betrayal as in "I did not marry a woman", 'bumps' on my chest, seeing me presenting as female around the house almost as much as male, the jumping back and forth between the two. As she puts it, better then finding me hanging from a rafter in the garage.

A shared life is filled with compromises. Otherwise it wouldn't be shared, it would be a dictatorship. We always try to balance conflicting priorities. Most times my GD is far from overwhelming. Yet I'll admit to having filled out the paperwork to join the Transition or Die club. Fortunately today I have a choice. Tomorrow? One day at a time

[alexa_rose]

Hi Sophie,
I can relate to your story. My partner is trans and he has chose (for the moment at least) to not transition. We are happy how we are in this moment and of course we've had ups and downs, but we've only been dealing with this for a short time. I would love to hear a little more about your experiences and maybe share some stories and conversation. Message me if you are interested. [emoji177]



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[RavenMoon]

Regarding being trans, and not transitioning long term; I'm 58. I was aware of being trans since I was about 4. Being a kid, I didn't know what to make of it. However, it caused me constant turmoil. I was extremely shy, had constant anxiety, and, while not directly related, even though it is, daily migraines.

I dealt with it the best I could. But I hated getting my hair cut, I hated my clothes, and I was just not happy on the inside.

As I got a little older I heard that some people were like me and had "sex changes"! I didn't know what that consisted of, but I wished I could do that. But that was done in places like Sweden. That was beyond anything I could contemplate.

Puberty was awful! From that point on I tried to just be me. I protested to my mom about hair cuts and by 13 had shoulder length hair. In high school is was mid back. I got away with wearing girl's clothes and nail polish because of the 70s glitter rock scene. Same thing in the 80s... I was a goth. Lol

But as I got older I tried to look a little more "normal" for a guy. I cut my hair. I even had a goatee at one point.

But as much as I tried to suppress it, the dysphoria would come back.

Finally after I had been divorced a year, from a 10 year marriage, the dysphoria hit me again. And it made me realize it's never going to go away. So I might as well deal with it.

Since then I've met other trans people and their stories are all very similar. I was on the fence about transitioning due to my age. And I know I'll have a hard time meeting someone. But I just can't see going any longer not being happy with myself. 

So these are things to consider. But only he can answer them.


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