I am the same as many and knew from a young age things had been royally screwed up in the gender department. I hated puberty for many reasons but it seemed to me that being a girl would never happen as it was impossible...I remember trying to live with that as a 15 year old and not understanding what upset me so much about not being able to be a girl and of course with no one to turn to I labelled myself as "sick". By about 16 I was really screwed up, I knew I wasn't a guy deep inside but I couldn't be a woman because that is impossible...by 19 I was all over, I didn't want to be part of the world if I could not be me, lucky for me I was unsuccessful with that first suicide attempt.
So I got married and had kids all the time fighting this constant knowing that I was not a really a guy, the conflict this set up was incredibly painfull and damaging. I drank to cover my anguish, and of course for awhile the booze stopped the dysphoria dead...but like always it came back but stronger until 2000 when I got sick enough to die...I can remember being in the emergency room still lying to my Drs about my drinking as my body begins to shut down one organ at a time because of the massive assault on my system along with the dumping of all sorts of toxins into my blood stream all this being being perpetrated by my pancreas...and still I lied...when the Dr said to me that he didn't know what was going on, but that it was very, very, serious and it was going to be touch and go over the next 24 hrs if they can work out what is wrong and if they can't well then ...I am sorry...he said to me. So for the first time in my life I stopped lying and I received the appropriate treatment and yes the next 24 hrs were touch and go but if I had not told him about my drinking I would be dead. I can remember consciously thinking about whether I really did want to live because I could shut my mouth and the chances are I would not make it. But I chose life
At this point I went looking very hard at my life and sobered up...I knew why I drank, I also knew it didin't work so I needed to find the core issues. So I worked my way through a number of things and was left with the intense feelings that I was female and this in itself was a major part of my conflict. The more I explored this the happier I became with myself and I knew then as I do now that there is only one course of action open to me.
This terrified me and at that stage my wife was anything but supportive and was unhappy in the extreme, for the sake of my marriage and my kids I pushed it all back down and buried it, my pain issues were not under control so I was taking very heavy medication and this went of for 10 years...being drugged up was no different to being drunk in the end the Dysphoria comes back.
About 4 years ago my testosterone dropped dramatically as a result of the medications in my pump...for the first time in my life there seemed to be a genuine easing of my dysphoria... it took about a 6 months for me to realise what was going on but I didn't want it to stop...I was feeling pretty good...about a year later I realised once again I was being self destructive by being passive about a health issue. So I went to the Dr and he gave me a Testosterone shot and then my life went pear shaped...from that point on I never felt the same and realised that having low testosterone makes me feel better mentally...not physically.
This was the turning point in my life for me to say ..ENOUGH!...I can't do being a guy anymore...once I accepted this then I knew what my journey needed to be...and the rest as they say is history. I have left much of the detail out of this otherwise it would be like "War and Peace" One of the key things for me was honesty...and by that I mean with myself. I didn't really want to acknowledge what my issues were because then I would have had to act on it and until I was ready to be honest with myself and what I wanted from my life,, I was never going to be able to resolve any of my issues or find that place of peace and happiness.
Sarah T
