So there is a question I have asked myself throughout 2015, a question that have occurred in my mind frequently and that I have thought a lot about: Am I transgender? I have searched the web for threads like 'How do you know your transgender', 'Am I transgender', 'how to get rid of transgender feelings', 'is it possible to take away transgender feelings', 'why do I want to become a girl', 'female envy', 'boy envy girls' etc., I think you get the point. I have also talked to a gender therapist and a psychologist, well without coming into the appointment to scream 'I've always felt like a girl', honestly if your always felt like a girl how do you know how it feels like to be a boy?
Anyway, let me start on my story. When I was little I used to wear makeup (I can't even remember this, mom told me), and from a young age (maybe 8 ish, I've been borrowing my moms cloths -- when she was away or just a pair of panties under 'boy clothes'). When I was at a friends house (who had a sister) I always borrowed some of her thongs, which I envied very much, and after a couple of years went to the store to buy some for my "girlfriend". When I was around 14 I had collected some thongs, a nightgown, and always when we went on holiday I went to a random store to buy some new. At this time I never wore it for a long time and I felt a strong guilt and humiliation by even wearing it, it just felt wrong on the same time as it felt right, but after some time the guilt became to strong and I throw it into the trash after telling myself that 'this is wrong, what if people figure it out, I have to stop with this'. I think I was away from it for half a year, but I always envied the dresses in the clothing shops compared to the ridiculous clothing in the boys department. When I moved away for uni I moved in with some other people (some of which had girlfriends, I had some as well) and I kind of explored the stuff they had thrown around in the apartment, then buying some for my own. Towards end of uni I thought about buying a wig and some makeup, but the humiliating feeling was to strong for a while until I finally did it.
For some reason this feeling of pressure towards women's clothing, makeup, other beauty widgets etc., the envy of the female shape, beast and vagina envy, female privileges, 'the ability to look like a women in a dress walking outside kind of feeling' have become stronger as I've questioned it this year. When that is said, when I watched a documentary of a transgender person going thought the process of changing body parts a couple of years ago I thought it was a too extreme thing to do, now I'm not sure. I've also watched people who have shared their journeys on Internet, like Kayla Ward and Anton Leck to mention a few inspirational people. I have read almost every single transgender post on ->-bleeped-<-, Susans, every mtf or ftm (for the ftm videos I'm usually looking a people who starts looking like a beautiful girl and turns into a boy -- with the thought 'why on earth would anyone do such a thing, while I envy them for looking that good before transition in the first place) video on YouTube, every transgender documentary available, the before and after threads.
Despite all of this I still ask myself the question, I ask why on earth should I if I do, realize this first in an age of 24? I look myself in the mirror and see nothing which looks like s girl, afraid of not ever passing if I went through with it. Asking myself whether it is ->-bleeped-<- or just a fetish, afraid of cutting loose with the standard life. At first this feeling went away for a day after masturbation, now they disappear for nearly 5 sec or not at all, at first I was afraid of even say the word 'transgender' feeling it must be like being gay for 30 years ago, also a little afraid of the outcome work wise (I see a lot of transgender people going into porn or cam, while I already have the best job in the world in s conservative sector thought), and the chances of starting a family if I went through such a thing. On the other hand, if I am, there no reason to start s family as a guy and then come out when your 50.
This might be a lot of nothing and I know that 'in the end only you can know', but how do you know? Is it a feeling/intuition that something is wrong long inside your brain? And have you ever looked into the mirror thinking I am never going to be able to pass or get a nice female body shape)? Or the feeling of being able to see (only fir mtf, ftms usually looks more man than I do) when other people are trans (usually I feel I see it in the face or lack of body shape even after transition -- well it might be because I already know they are transgender)?
If not much, someone might be able to relate to this post and share their insight, that can help me and other with the same questions.
Mod Edit Removed self medication reference
