I've been aware of knowing who I really was on the inside since I was little. I'm 20 now, my parent are aware and accepting (dad is a little confused is all but still cares). I've been talking to a lot of FTM to know my thoughts and feelings are not out of place, and this is the first time I m approaching a forum about it for tips and reassurance. I want to know I'm not alone and, being on various sites like tumblr (wow, it's really gone downhill) after that whole "truscum" ordeal... I felt like a mess, confused and afraid what I thought being trans, being myself was about.
Believe me, I'm over whatever people who are not trans defining it for themselves, I know there are different levels of dysphoria for everyone and everyone handles it different, themselves and their looks differently.
I was born with a heart condition that I am on medication for to slow the heart rate down so it doesn't hurt. It's called a Mitral valve prolapse, it's not life-threatening, but my heart rate and condition matters. Adding to that, I also have polycystic ovarian syndrome, and I have to also take birth control for it to help manage the cysts and weight gain/loss as well as a proper cycle (sometime I can go a month without having my period; no pain or anything, it's just exaaactly the best thing to let happen). It also doesn't help that I have been on anti-depressants ever since my parents were divorced when I was a little younger.
(If any of this sounds like self-diagnoses I can sure you it is not. I have a family physician and a gynecologist at Health First/Holmes Regional, and a psychiatrist in Southern Florida.)
Because of my POS, I've actually had higher doses of natural testosterone in my body for years, which may accompany my naturally low voice, body hair (yes, in those places too), and I have a natural dark hair color so my legs are as hairy as my old man's (to be honest, I think he feels there is competition now!). To most, with my binder on, they are aware of my condition and polite about it, and to a degree I honestly don't care about being "misgendered" by people I have nothing to do with or won't see again, so long as they're not awful about it. Maybe I've just had good experiences.
So maybe I'm lucky in the looks and attitude department... but there's one thing.
I don't want to be on T. It battles with birth control which I need for more severe medical reasons. I have a bad heart and I have heard and been told about my doctor that it can possibly hurt me more than help me. And I've accepted this and not let it get me down. The most I want out of this to be comfortable and accepting of myself is top surgery. I know then I can move on from the worry of a binder, how my shirts fit, how I look at myself in the mirror. It also adds on to that chronic depression thing that's been passed down on my mother's side for generation, and I don't go outside a lot if that low of feeling that I look awful hits me, yanno?
It's alright to just want top surgery first right? Or just only that? I'm young and... I probably won't do it for another couple years, and I know that doctors recommend (or do they tell you?) being on T for at least a year and a half, two years before top surgery. I don't know why that is, and I know that women getting breast augmentation requires them to be asked if this is what they're ready for, but not even treated the same way. But apart from my breasts, I pass as a young male. I get called handsome, sir, and it makes me so happy. My friends have beyond accepted me. I'm lucky, I know not everyone can be and I honestly feel all the more sorry for them. I have seen videos, posts, heard about horrible things people can do it and it scares me.
SO WHAT I WANT TO KNOW: Am I okay? I'm not.. crazy, or what people consider "not real trans" or not trans "enough"? I want to be a man, I am a man, but more importantly I want to be a comfortable young man! T is considered a lifestyle taken on different by different transmen, some a lot, some lower doses, some working out to go through with a certain appeal or look, because that is how they are making themselves happy and accepting of themselves. But with my medical conditions I know even considering T would probably hurt me more than help, as stated before. And I've never really considered it as my choice.
I'm okay, right? I'll be okay?
