New here and so many questions

[Somanyfeelings]

Hi all. I'm new here. I have a very long story-as I'm sure we all do-so please bear with me.

My husband and I have been together since 1998, when we were teenagers. We have been married for ten years and have three children. They are 6 and 3.5 year old twins.  We had, I thought, a very happy life, although we have both struggled with anxiety and depression

For years I have known he had a good addiction. Earlier this year, he told me he was having problems again and was going to seek help


Only....this time he was seeking help dealing with his new realization that he is transgender

He dropped this news on me Sunday night after we returned from a nice family vacation. I could not have been more surprised. He has always been a stereotypical dude. Football, bourbon, cigars, guys night

He is an amazing parent. Better than I am. We are an amazing team as a family, and he is my best friend

We live a heteronormative life in a liberal group of friends. Married couples, small kids. Happy life.

My initial instinct was to leave. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to be married to a woman. In fact, I feel pretty confident I can't do being married to someone who presents as a woman in public

But...I love he man I married. I love us. He doesn't know what he wants yet so after a week of misery, we both agreed to work together and take it slow

But...how? Is there a way in which he finds himself but we can still be the "us" the public knows? Or am I delaying the inevitable by trying to find a compromise? I am willing to try changes in our private life? Am I being wrong by not supporting him being a woman?

Half of what I read out there is angry people who just think I should leave. But while I'm angry and deceived-I love us. I love the life we created together. But what our life presents as publicly is important to me too, as superficial and awful as that sounds.

It's all so new and I'm having really confusing emotions. Thanks in advance.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. This is still very early and if you want your relationship you will need to give it time. Some members are non binary and their need to appear feminine varies. For some mild cross dressing is enough and other find they need everything except surgery. Keeping things the same is no longer an option so it will come down to the compromise you can work out. There will be thing you can't accept and we understand that and if the boundaries are crossed, you will be one of the couples who split up. If you can find that compromise, you will have many happy years ahead of you.

Because we live with this a long time, it can make us somewhat difficult to get along with. As treatment progresses, you should see your SO becoming a happier person to be with so your relationship could improve. I suggest you plan a few therapy visits so you can explore your feeling and limits. A few joint sessions would also be a good idea so you can determine what the new relationship would mean to you. If you are willing to work at it, you have a far better chance of making this work.

The other SOs will be checking this thread over time so check back from time to time for additional posts.

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[Lady Sarah]

The best advice I can offer, is to take it one day at a time. You never know what tomorrow may bring. You may be surprised at how willing society can be to accept that which was strange in the past. You might find yourself at ease, with whatever your husband finds necessary to be at peace.

[Sarajane]

It can be quite a shock to be confronted with the realization that your SO is not exactly who you thought they were. The feelings of hurt and betrayal run deep. Because deep down you know they didn't just change over night...this is who they have always been but you are only finding out about it now it that one instant...that one moment to grasp its true understanding and respond accordingly.  It's a shock...your husband knows that.  But she is finally comfortable enough to come out to you...her wife of 10 years and asking how the two of you can proceed together...to continue to be the "us" you speak of.  You are a strong woman who was confident, happy and in love with your partner...that can evolve into a new adventure in your already amazing relationship...you have a loving spouse, 3 amazingly wonderful children to go through this crazy world with.  If you haven't already, I suggest speaking to a therapist...I found it extremely helpful in understanding my feelings and address the worry and concerns of "what others may think"...because unfortunately in this life it is hard to escape the fear and loathing of strangers no matter who you are...or who you are with.  In this crazy world of ours, when you find the person you love...unconditionally life is an amazing journey with twists and turns...enjoy, live -love- laugh always...

[LizK]

Hi all. I'm new here. I have a very long story-as I'm sure we all do-so please bear with me.

My husband and I have been together since 1998, when we were teenagers. We have been married for ten years and have three children. They are 6 and 3.5 year old twins.  We had, I thought, a very happy life, although we have both struggled with anxiety and depression

For years I have known he had a good addiction. Earlier this year, he told me he was having problems again and was going to seek help


Only....this time he was seeking help dealing with his new realization that he is transgender

He dropped this news on me Sunday night after we returned from a nice family vacation. I could not have been more surprised. He has always been a stereotypical dude. Football, bourbon, cigars, guys night

He is an amazing parent. Better than I am. We are an amazing team as a family, and he is my best friend

We live a heteronormative life in a liberal group of friends. Married couples, small kids. Happy life.

My initial instinct was to leave. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to be married to a woman. In fact, I feel pretty confident I can't do being married to someone who presents as a woman in public

But...I love he man I married. I love us. He doesn't know what he wants yet so after a week of misery, we both agreed to work together and take it slow

But...how? Is there a way in which he finds himself but we can still be the "us" the public knows? Or am I delaying the inevitable by trying to find a compromise? I am willing to try changes in our private life? Am I being wrong by not supporting him being a woman?

Half of what I read out there is angry people who just think I should leave. But while I'm angry and deceived-I love us. I love the life we created together. But what our life presents as publicly is important to me too, as superficial and awful as that sounds.

It's all so new and I'm having really confusing emotions. Thanks in advance.

Hi Somanyfeelings

This has to be the toughest part of transition is to try and work out the mess to relationships the revelation that one person in that relationship is trans. I don't envy you your position. The key for my wife and I was to keep talking and to keep the communication open. Quite often a trans person will live what appears top be a fairly normal existence. As trans people we learn to hide, to deceive, we quite often over compensate, personally I had some very dark moments that my wife new knew about. I never understood it and still don't fully and I am 9 months into transition...I guess I am saying that maybe...he didn't really understand it or could not come to terms with it. So while you may feel deceived that may not have been a conscious action on his part I don't know I am just suggesting some alternatives.

Being the spouse of someone in transition is a tough gig. There is no way to sugar coat it, I know some days my wife just wants to scream but there are those days when we feel ourselves connect in a way we never have before. I would not give that up for the world.

There are some things you mention such as

"I feel pretty confident I can't do being married to someone who presents as a woman in public" I can't see too much wrong with this. If you can't then you can't and that is fair enough. You married a man and that is who you want to be married to. This is all quite normal, you go on to say you love the man you married and are you wrong for not supporting him being a woman. Only you know if you can or want to do this. There are two people involved here and you need to make it work for both of you. Feeling the way you do seems reasonable to me.

It is now up to you, you have an opportunity to possibly experience something truly remarkable as your partner actually transitions to the person they have always been. Part of what you fell in love with, was the trans part of that person...being trans has made me interact with the world in a different ways and my wife fell in love with me as a whole and part of that whole was my "transness"...if that makes sense. You could gain in the long run but that depends entirely how you feel about it. Your partner didn't chooses to be trans and you didn't choose to fall in love with a Trans person...but you did...it could be way better than you think.

I really hope you can work it out because your partner is going to need support and so are you. My wife and I are probably closer now than at any time in our 30 year marriage.

Good Luck

Liz

[Jamie97]

The important thing is to remember that they're still the same person you fell in love with, they're just being more honest with you. The fact that you hesitated, found this forum, and didn't just leave your partner straight away is proof that you are still in love, despite what society might expect you to do in this situation.
Stay strong, trust your heart, and best of luck to you both.

[Marienz]

It can be quite a shock to be confronted with the realization that your SO is not exactly who you thought they were. The feelings of hurt and betrayal run deep. Because deep down you know they didn't just change over night...this is who they have always been but you are only finding out about it now it that one instant...that one moment to grasp its true understanding and respond accordingly.  It's a shock...your husband knows that.  But she is finally comfortable enough to come out to you...her wife of 10 years and asking how the two of you can proceed together...to continue to be the "us" you speak of.  You are a strong woman who was confident, happy and in love with your partner...that can evolve into a new adventure in your already amazing relationship...you have a loving spouse, 3 amazingly wonderful children to go through this crazy world with.  If you haven't already, I suggest speaking to a therapist...I found it extremely helpful in understanding my feelings and address the worry and concerns of "what others may think"...because unfortunately in this life it is hard to escape the fear and loathing of strangers no matter who you are...or who you are with.  In this crazy world of ours, when you find the person you love...unconditionally life is an amazing journey with twists and turns...enjoy, live -love- laugh always...

HI,
I am late replying to your post, but I think Sara covers it well.
Look after you, whilst living each day. its scary I know!

[SIngularity]

FOr me it came down to this.

I'm not married to a partner transitioning, she is already very far down that path.  I've recently found out some of that path was more incomplete than i was told.  However, I asked myself.."How do i feel about her?"  that answer is simple I Love her for who she is.  In fact i've not felt this way about anyone, including my ex wife.  Does the recent uptempo of slanderous comments towards me bother me, hurt or otherwise make me want to punch people?  You better believe it.  THe fact that I am in love with her has not wavered. Long story short, love the person for who they are.  Support them and do not get hung up on dangly bits, or lack there of. 

It seems to me you are more worried about your liberal friends, or what the ladies at book club will think.  Try this on...when presented with ridicule show unwavering support for your partner.  Because you love them.  It's no one but you and your partner's business what you do in your own home, or your own lives.   

[LizK]

FOr me it came down to this.

I'm not married to a partner transitioning, she is already very far down that path.  I've recently found out some of that path was more incomplete than i was told.  However, I asked myself.."How do i feel about her?"  that answer is simple I Love her for who she is.  In fact i've not felt this way about anyone, including my ex wife.  Does the recent uptempo of slanderous comments towards me bother me, hurt or otherwise make me want to punch people?  You better believe it.  THe fact that I am in love with her has not wavered. Long story short, love the person for who they are.  Support them and do not get hung up on dangly bits, or lack there of. 

It seems to me you are more worried about your liberal friends, or what the ladies at book club will think.  Try this on...when presented with ridicule show unwavering support for your partner.  Because you love them.  It's no one but you and your partner's business what you do in your own home, or your own lives.   

Liz