I feel lost

[Deborah]

Hello Carla, could you tell me, did you go through hormones? and how did it affect you if you did? is it a lifeline pills that need to be taken or a course over time?
Thanks again:)

i can give you my experience after almost a year.  Before I had a bad temper and was angry most of the time at home..  Consequently my wife and I fought all the time with it being my fault the majority of the time.  I also drank a lot, not an alcoholic, but probably not so far away from being one.

Now my temper is gone and we fight no more.  We are getting along better than probably any other time in the past 33 years.  We can have conversations and cooperate on things without me getting mad.

I also lost all interest in alcohol and rarely, less than once a month, drink anything.

Other than that my personality is still pretty much the same.  It's just not clouded over with a constant dark cloud of tension.

[Deborah]

I found out that he has been dressing up our entire relationship and hiding it, I feel hurt as if he had of told me I would of accepted it. Then today the honesty of the secret stash all over our home came out and it the clothes shoes heels wigs and makeup hidden everywhere in our home. Why... When I could of dealt with it. It's made me feel inferior and not good enough to please him. 


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Everything said above is exactly the case with me too.  I tried to hide from my wife because when I was 13 I my mother found my stuff and the reaction was unpleasant and burned into my mind.  My mother and father told me I was crazy and threatened to send me to a mental institution.  I was sent away to military school instead.

There is another factor too.  Lots of us, particularly before there was any information, thought this would go away.  So we got married for all the right reasons and then found it won't go away at all. It just gets worse with time.  So we don't tell  our wives out of simple raw fear that we will be rejected.  It has absolutely nothing to do with anything our wives did and is completely unrelated to our love and attraction to our wives.

Over a period of 17 years my wife found my hidden stuff several times and each time it led to explosive anger and resentment.  Each time I just couldn't admit out loud the truth out of fear that admitting I was trans would make it even worse.  So I took the abuse and each time swore it would be the last (really believing that too).

Finally, the last time it happened in 2004 the explosive anger happened again and in despair I was seriously considering killing myself.  I knew by then I couldn't make it go away and I couldn't live with her anger and resentment anymore since I blamed myself for it all.  I think the only thing that stopped me was the image in my mind of my wife and children finding and dealing with the mess.

So I did the only thing left and admitted I was trans, expecting the worst but left with no more options.  Amazingly, after she came to understand this was something that had been with me all my life and that it had absolutely nothing to do with her and that I wasn't dressing up to go out and have some gay affair, the anger and resentment went away.

So, I guess what I was trying to say after all that is that there is no reason for you to feel like his hiding reflects on you in any way. 

[Marienz]

Everything said above is exactly the case with me too.  I tried to hide from my wife because when I was 13 I my mother found my stuff and the reaction was unpleasant and burned into my mind.  My mother and father told me I was crazy and threatened to send me to a mental institution.  I was sent away to military school instead.

There is another factor too.  Lots of us, particularly before there was any information, thought this would go away.  So we got married for all the right reasons and then found it won't go away at all. It just gets worse with time.  So we don't tell  our wives out of simple raw fear that we will be rejected.  It has absolutely nothing to do with anything our wives did and is completely unrelated to our love and attraction to our wives.

Over a period of 17 years my wife found my hidden stuff several times and each time it led to explosive anger and resentment.  Each time I just couldn't admit out loud the truth out of fear that admitting I was trans would make it even worse.  So I took the abuse and each time swore it would be the last (really believing that too).

Finally, the last time it happened in 2004 the explosive anger happened again and in despair I was seriously considering killing myself.  I knew by then I couldn't make it go away and I couldn't live with her anger and resentment anymore since I blamed myself for it all.  I think the only thing that stopped me was the image in my mind of my wife and children finding and dealing with the mess.

So I did the only thing left and admitted I was trans, expecting the worst but left with no more options.  Amazingly, after she came to understand this was something that had been with me all my life and that it had absolutely nothing to do with her and that I wasn't dressing up to go out and have some gay affair, the anger and resentment went away.

So, I guess what I was trying to say after all that is that there is no reason for you to feel like his hiding reflects on you in any way.

Hi, I understand what you meant:)
I'm not even sure how to explain how I feel. I guess all of me wishes he had of been honest, I wouldn't of cut him off or broken up,  would of tried to work it out.
Now I guess I feel hurt, trust is such a big thing.
I hope we can get through this and we can survive together.
Thank you for caring


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[Laura_7]

Hi, I understand what you meant:)
I'm not even sure how to explain how I feel. I guess all of me wishes he had of been honest, I wouldn't of cut him off or broken up,  would of tried to work it out.
Now I guess I feel hurt, trust is such a big thing.
I hope we can get through this and we can survive together.
Thank you for caring


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I'd say don't take it personal...
they have told you now so that is a good thing...

and you can make it together 


*hugs*

[Dena]

Hi, I understand what you meant:)
I'm not even sure how to explain how I feel. I guess all of me wishes he had of been honest, I wouldn't of cut him off or broken up,  would of tried to work it out.
Now I guess I feel hurt, trust is such a big thing.
I hope we can get through this and we can survive together.
Thank you for caring


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You don't need to try and tell us how you feel because we already have a pretty good idea. You are feeling just about every bad emotion in the book. It's pretty much the same as what you would feel if he had been seeing another woman. I have high hopes that you will be able to stay together but it's going to depend on your ability to forgive. Yes he was wrong for what he did but he did it with the thought of not hurting you but in the end he did. If you can forgive him they you can move forward to healing.

[Marienz]

Agreed, it depends on my ability to forgive and his to continue with honesty:) it's quite simple really.


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[Anna33]

It's hard to explain where the need of dressing up secretly comes from. Personally I lived in a fantasy world because dressing up was difficult. I'd sign my short stories and essays as a C.Brown and people wondered what C meant.

When I wore girls clothes before coming out and stared at the mirror I'd see my true self and feel wonderful inside, even though the guilt of having to hide to do it would kill me. It's not my dysphoria what was wrong, but the fear that people wouldn't understand me and in turn it made me have to hide and lie, which were two things I particularly hated.

I think you are a wonderful person for trying your hardest to understand what's going on and supporting your partner at the same time. You must be going through a lot of things and probably have a million questions in your head.

Thing is, Gender Dysphoria was almost a bad word a few years ago, and a term that didn't even exist at the time that I began questioning my gender identity. There is still a lot of confusion in this regard and some people had and still have some kind of pornographic view of us trans women as if we were all some kind of flamboyant vintage performer

Truth is we are pretty much normal like any other woman,but because of this social condemnation going on we'd have to hide. We could not openly dress up to see what it feels like. So on the one hand we'd feel wonderful when trying girl's clothes on, but on the other hand we'd feel this inmense feeling of guilt because we felt like we were commiting some kind of crime.

This is probably why your partner was super scared to tell you. Because this is why it took me so long to be like: Wait, I shouldn't be scared of feeling this way. I am not doing anything wrong?!

I don't think it had anything to do with you. In fact, you probably mean the world to him/her (not sure which pronouns to use)

[Marienz]

It's hard to explain where the need of dressing up secretly comes from. Personally I lived in a fantasy world because dressing up was difficult. I'd sign my short stories and essays as a C.Brown and people wondered what C meant.

When I wore girls clothes before coming out and stared at the mirror I'd see my true self and feel wonderful inside, even though the guilt of having to hide to do it would kill me. It's not my dysphoria what was wrong, but the fear that people wouldn't understand me and in turn it made me have to hide and lie, which were two things I particularly hated.

I think you are a wonderful person for trying your hardest to understand what's going on and supporting your partner at the same time. You must be going through a lot of things and probably have a million questions in your head.

Thing is, Gender Dysphoria was almost a bad word a few years ago, and a term that didn't even exist at the time that I began questioning my gender identity. There is still a lot of confusion in this regard and some people had and still have some kind of pornographic view of us trans women as if we were all some kind of flamboyant vintage performer

Truth is we are pretty much normal like any other woman,but because of this social condemnation going on we'd have to hide. We could not openly dress up to see what it feels like. So on the one hand we'd feel wonderful when trying girl's clothes on, but on the other hand we'd feel this inmense feeling of guilt because we felt like we were commiting some kind of crime.

This is probably why your partner was super scared to tell you. Because this is why it took me so long to be like: Wait, I shouldn't be scared of feeling this way. I am not doing anything wrong?!

I don't think it had anything to do with you. In fact, you probably mean the world to him/her (not sure which pronouns to use)

You have been amazing Carla and all of you.
But I fear this won't work out, no matter how much I am there he/she cannot seem to handle any conversations and I'm left feeling alone and unsupported myself.
There is only so much I can also take.


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[Dena]

You need to explain how you feel to his therapist before he sees the therapist. If the therapist understands you want this to work and how far you are willing to go, possibly the therapist will know how to nudge him in the right direction. After years of waiting and wanting to do something, he now has brain freeze because everything is moving so fast for him. So far you are proving to be the stronger of the two and you are leading the way. You may have to slow down a bit for him to catch up to you.

Take care and be strong.

[Marienz]

You need to explain how you feel to his therapist before he sees the therapist. If the therapist understands you want this to work and how far you are willing to go, possibly the therapist will know how to nudge him in the right direction. After years of waiting and wanting to do something, he now has brain freeze because everything is moving so fast for him. So far you are proving to be the stronger of the two and you are leading the way. You may have to slow down a bit for him to catch up to you.

Take care and be strong.

Thanks dena:)
I'm a strong person, I cannot see him being open to let me see him therapist first. I can truth be told only hope for the best outcome now:) whatever that is...
Whilst now looking after me to.


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[Marienz]

I do understand what you said however dena:)
And thank you for the reply.
Seeing the man I loved shut me out is horrible....
I only wanted to support him.... But we need it to go both ways.
*hopefully*


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[Marienz]

Gosh I feel alone, worried confused and hurt. I miss him:us.


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[Laura_7]

Gosh I feel alone, worried confused and hurt. I miss him:us.


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Just try to stay positive...
you might make a list for your talk with your therapist tomorrow...

and as Dena said you might contact their therapist... maybe its possible to sum a few things up per email...
well another strategy could be to wait until the first session, and then ask to be included in one session... so your views could be included...

you might talk that through with your therapist tomorrow...


have a *hug*

[katrinaw]

Hi Jamie, sorry been a little pre-occupied and am a bit late to your situation

I note that you have been getting a lot of love and advice, which is good.

Reason I am responding now, My wife (we have over 43 years of marriage) is now going through what you are, I feel awful for coming out so late in life. Its been just coming up to 6 weeks now, We have gotten over the continuous tears, just occasional now.

So getting the point I am trying to make... She is now trying to understand, we talk a lot about the drivers and the fear we hold, how we keep quiet under the idea that it protects those that are closest to us. We still have teary moments, and it breaks my heart for what I have done to her... BUT, I could not help it, the feelings went away from about mid teens till mid forties, apart from little cross dressing episodes. Then since mid forties it just got worse and worse. My wife, I think now, understands my motives for keeping quiet, but whilst she does not want to see me as Katrina, she is asking more and more about hiding clothes etc... but not wanting to see any.
Then suddenly this weekend, we were in a clothes shop, I was helping her with choosing some new clothes (I was paying) then I mentioned how I liked a top in the shop, she picked it of the display stand, and said yes it looks nice and would suit me, then took it up to the counter for me...

Big advance... and that she does not want to be alone...

Oh another good point, talking at the weekend, after the shopping, we both said, regardless of the future we both enjoy our company, even now... still

I don't really know if this helps you at all, but I think for many love and care tends to drive us more than the risks, horror and resentment.

Lots of love Katy xxx

[Marienz]

Thank you Laura and Katy:)
I'm not feeling very positive today about anything. I have my therapist tomorrow and so does he but different therapists at different times.
I don't actually think I have felt more alone in life then I do right now.
I'm sure he does to, I'm trying to support him.
I'm most likely doing a terrible job at it now.
I think we both feel alone.


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[Dena]

Don't feel like you are doing a terrible job of support because you are not. I have seen cases where the spouse refuses to do anything to preserve the relationship. You are doing everything possible but it's going to take time for this to play out. There is a reason why we tend to need therapy while we transition and that's to deal with issues like this. You didn't see it but he has contained emotional issues for years and now they are all coming to the surface.

Earlier we mentioned that we end up better people as the result of the transition. The reason is because we went through this stage and eliminated the problems we contained for years. For me the hard part was 2-3 weeks long but as I didn't have anybody in my life, nobody viewed me going through it. You are very close and you will have to wait for this to crest. I am sure it will but for a short time it's going to be hard on both of you.

[Laura_7]

Thank you Laura and Katy:)
I'm not feeling very positive today about anything. I have my therapist tomorrow and so does he but different therapists at different times.
I don't actually think I have felt more alone in life then I do right now.
I'm sure he does to, I'm trying to support him.
I'm most likely doing a terrible job at it now.
I think we both feel alone.


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You're doing pretty well.
Just keep going.
Look out a bit for yourself...
don't do too many or stressful things...
enjoy a few simple things... a cup of tea...

wish you well
*hugs*

[LizK]

Jaimie j you are doing great, you are about to have your first therapy session in an effort to keep your relationship going and gain the things you need to be able to move forward with your life. Many partners just won't do what you are doing so don't feel like you are not doing enough. I have been following this thread for awhile and can see you anxiety continuing to grow. With any luck you have found a great therapist who is going to be able to help you feel much better about things.

I do hope you have a great session...do something nice for yourself today...you deserve it.

Hugs

Sarah T

[Marienz]

Jaimie j you are doing great, you are about to have your first therapy session in an effort to keep your relationship going and gain the things you need to be able to move forward with your life. Many partners just won't do what you are doing so don't feel like you are not doing enough. I have been following this thread for awhile and can see you anxiety continuing to grow. With any luck you have found a great therapist who is going to be able to help you feel much better about things.

I do hope you have a great session...do something nice for yourself today...you deserve it.

Hugs

Sarah T

Thanks sarah:) you are right... My anxiety is terrible today I feel like I'm only just able to function. Hopefully tomorrow will be better:)
I actually fear he doesn't want me anymore sexually or as a partner, both I suspect. Which isn't helping with how I feel.


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[Anna33]

big hugs jamiej, wishing you the best for tomorrow. Keep us posted! Like the girls were saying: Therapy is the way to go in these cases. You will feel a lot better.

Chin up, and take it easy. I know it's easier said than done, and I wish I could do more for you. I really hope you guys can work it out.