Pre-op anxiety. Post op dysphoria?

[assorted_human]

So I'm up for surgery here in a few weeks and I'm getting nervous. I have been living as male, binding (I use the full length) and all that for a decade now. And with how much I OCD over my binder I know life will be a ->-bleeped-<- ton easier. I also have pretty severely bad feelings toward my chest. I know that surgery is right for me, but now that it's actually happening my brain is fritzing. I'm going in and out of those "I'm not Trans, I'm just crazy" mind frames. I think that's mostly due to the fear of how much this will alter me physically. Plus I'm also worried that without my binder I'll start feeling worse about my stomach and love handles. I can't stand the feeling of my unbound chest touching fabric and I'm stressing out that I'll feel the same way about my midsection post op. I've been binding so long the thought of shirts touching me is intimidating. I'm also already worry that what little love handles that can been seen with the binder right now looks feminine.
I'm wondering if anyone else has felt like this. Either feeling like your just crazy or really self conscious about what your body will look like and how you feel now that you're post top surgery?

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

You don't do gender surgery to look pretty, you can get surgeries for that, but this is about gender. If you want to change your body to look a certain way for aesthetic reasons, with surgery or diet and exercise, go ahead, but gender surgery is about gender, get that straight.

If you are not sure how you want to live, male female or other, then consider living as the birth gender you have. How does that feel. I would guess not great, as you chose not to. Whenever I questioned myself I would say, so go back to being a guy. I even got to the point of trying. Two hours crying on the floor later, I decided I couldn't. After that, the thought was, 'maybe I am being crazy' - 'OK, so live as a guy then' - 'good lord no, no way' - 'ok, we are done here then'.

I hope that helps.
x

[assorted_human]

It does a bit for the feeling crazy part. I know I can't live as a chick, I would't be here if I never transitioned. And when I try to entertain the idea I have the same sort of reaction that you spoke of. It's not that I'm not sure of my maleness.
I don't know it's really hard to explain. It's like being super excited about surgery, while also feeling like afraid. I've never really even had a surgery a side from having my wisdom teeth removed.
I don't know if any of this makes since at all. I'm not good with words.

[Konnor]

Hey man. I can't tell you exactly how you'll feel and react post-op, but I will share my experience. I felt the same way before surgery, very excited but also a bit nervous, both about the surgery experience itself, wondering about my recovery, and my body image post-op. I've pretty much found that I got myself all worked up for nothing. Surgery itself went well, one minute they told me they were going to put me under and the next minute I was waking up post-op. Recovery wasn't as horrible as I had feared. I took the pain meds as prescribed and took 3-4 weeks off work to recuperate. As far as my body image, it's definitely never been better. Yeah, I have a gut and love handles, but I also have a flat masculine chest. That outweighs every other factor in my opinion. Plus now I can lift weights and start to put on muscke without worrying about my chest or binding. I hope you have the same experience and find you were worried for nothing. Best of luck to you! Feel free to message me with any questions. 

[Alexthecat]

Basically if you want a flat chest get the surgery. If you want a flat stomach then exercise and eat right. They make belly binders if you really want to be flat right away.

[assorted_human]

Hey man. I can't tell you exactly how you'll feel and react post-op, but I will share my experience. I felt the same way before surgery, very excited but also a bit nervous, both about the surgery experience itself, wondering about my recovery, and my body image post-op. I've pretty much found that I got myself all worked up for nothing. Surgery itself went well, one minute they told me they were going to put me under and the next minute I was waking up post-op. Recovery wasn't as horrible as I had feared. I took the pain meds as prescribed and took 3-4 weeks off work to recuperate. As far as my body image, it's definitely never been better. Yeah, I have a gut and love handles, but I also have a flat masculine chest. That outweighs every other factor in my opinion. Plus now I can lift weights and start to put on muscke without worrying about my chest or binding. I hope you have the same experience and find you were worried for nothing. Best of luck to you! Feel free to message me with any questions. 

Thanks man, yeah I've only been able to find one person that had similar feelings. And recently found another that said my nervousness seemed at least reasonable since I haven't really felt a t-shirt directly on my skin for so long. I'm glad that in your case your flat chest out weights the love handles. I hope that's the way it is for me as I can't see myself with this chest the rest of my life.

Basically if you want a flat chest get the surgery. If you want a flat stomach then exercise and eat right. They make belly binders if you really want to be flat right away.

I exercise three times a week, I'm sure my diet could be better though.

[HeyTrace19]

You might enjoy an incredible feeling of freedom after your surgery!  I had the usual concerns going into surgery five years ago, but I knew for me it was the right thing to do.  I do NOT regret it one bit.  At the time, I had not decided if I wanted to introduce Testosterone into my life, but I knew that whatever happened down the road, the chest surgery HAD to happen NOW!  I still have issues about the rest of my female shape, but with the right clothing, things have worked out well.  I wish you calm, happy feelings about your upcoming life changing event!

[Jak]

My surgery is four weeks from Monday. I too am a tad nervous, just as I would be going under for anything, especially being out of the country. But, I can't wait for the outcome. I'm nervous about dog ears, pain levels, how soon I'll be functional, etc. But, what really resonated is that with a nice flat chest I know my belly will look larger. At my age losing weight has proved a real challenge. But, there's no question that I want the surgery. As one of the surgeons said during a consult, "There's no question that I'll have the torso of a middle-aged guy." I just had to accept that. 

[talex]

I was incredibly nervous before surgery, as in having to take anxiety meds anxious. And I've been yearning for a flat chest since I was a teenager, and am now 37. I def feel your concerns about scars and how the rest of your body will look - surgery isn't a magic bullet that suddenly makes all body issues go away. I also had a lot of fears about the procedure, etc.

I'm now almost 3 months out and I'm so glad I went through with it. Having a flat chest is amazing - I used to wear so many layers of clothing that it's still very surreal to just put on a shirt and leave the house. It's true that a flat chest can make it seem like our hips are bigger, etc, but I don't obsess over that - lots of cis guys have different kinds of curvy bodies too. Some people will never have a flat stomach or 6 pack, no matter how much they exercise! My partner is a cis guy who runs a lot, lifts weights, and is a little squishy in the middle - plus I have more muscle tone than he does. It's just how our body types are.

Obviously it's impossible to predict how we will feel after surgery, but I think it's important to acknowledge that doubts, fears, concerns, etc. are totally normal and probably healthy! It means we are really thinking and feeling deeply if this is the right decision. I had a lot of fears about scars and had dreams where my whole body was covered in scars, that they were gross or wouldn't heal, that kind of stuff. But from the moment I saw my chest I thought 'oh, they don't actually look so bad', and that feeling has continues. I'll never be one of those guys who walks around without a shirt (I'm just kind of modest), but nothing compares to the feeling of just throwing on that shirt and leaving the house, or exercising in a tank top and feeling comfortable with my chest for the first time since I was 12 years old.

I also used to not like my chest being touched, and felt very disassociated from that part of my body, and that has changed too. It doesn't change for everyone, but for me it's suddenly nice to be touched there. I'll admit, I did cry when my partner touched my chest for the first time when I felt healed enough. It felt deeply healing and so much emotion came up I was surprised, but it felt healing and like a huge release of some deeply held pain. Kind of amazing!

Sending you luck in healing, I'm sure you'll be fine!

-TC

[assorted_human]

Thanks everyone, you've been a big help in calming me down about possible midsection dysphoria.

My surgery is four weeks from Monday. I too am a tad nervous, just as I would be going under for anything, especially being out of the country.

I hope your surgery goes well.

[Jak]

Thanks, assorted_human!

[genderirrelevant]

I'm 3 months post-op. It's awesome to feel clothing touch my sternum and lower ribs because now I don't have the boobs in the way.

I am a little more bothered by my hip curves now but not nearly as much as I expected. I feel like I look slimmer without a lot of bulk under the binder.

Good luck!

[Kylo]

Even if I don't feel in the least bit manlier post-op, I want these things gone. Even if everything else went wrong and I was somehow prevented from changing gender officially, prevented from having T, and all the rest... I know I would feel a huge sense of relief to have a flat chest, never have to see those things in the mirror, never have to wear a bra again...

[palexander]

"I'm going in and out of those "I'm not Trans, I'm just crazy" mind frames. I think that's mostly due to the fear of how much this will alter me physically"

i would say that's completely normal. i went into surgery completely unprepared emotionally and i feel like that's something i'd go back and change, if i had a second chance. i could only think about having a flat chest, no more binding, being able to breathe properly, and so forth. but in actuality, i struggled with the 'trauma' my body sustained. seeing my chest bruised, dealing with the blood (which i have a phobia of), blood clots, the pain, having to take pain killers (i also have a phobia of pills), and the fact that i was unable to care for myself really sucked. i think that my body took a bit longer to recover than most because i was stressed, which obviously affects my recovery.

i'm now over three months post op and i don't regret surgery at all. dr. medalie is truly an artist and if i had to choose someone again, i'd go to him a second time and even a third. you should consider documenting your emotions in a journal so that you can look back at what you were experiencing... i might have a look back at mine today, so thank you! also keep in mind that you had to go through a therapist for a referral in order to have this surgery, so clearly you are eligible for it.

my inbox is open if you'd like to reach out. i'm happy to answer any questions you have

*i had DI btw.

[assorted_human]

i'm now over three months post op and i don't regret surgery at all. dr. medalie is truly an artist and if i had to choose someone again, i'd go to him a second time and even a third. you should consider documenting your emotions in a journal so that you can look back at what you were experiencing... i might have a look back at mine today, so thank you! also keep in mind that you had to go through a therapist for a referral in order to have this surgery, so clearly you are eligible for it.

my inbox is open if you'd like to reach out. i'm happy to answer any questions you have

*i had DI btw.

I had DI with Dr. Medalie on the 3rd. My left (least swollen) pec looks and feels amazing. But my right side has given me trouble since surgery. The drain tried to come out on it's own and it's now all bruised and swollen making it look distorted. I choose Medalie because of his great results with DI and him being in my state. I'm trying not to worry too much as I assume it's the swelling that is making it look and feel distorted. Some parts of the right side being bulbous and squishy and other depressed and hard. All of the right being sensitive to shirts touching it, left side again is fine.
It looks good in the mirror so I'm hoping it looks fantastic after the swelling goes down.
I've been keeping a journal since starting T in March.