Introduction and confession

[CassieH]

Hi all,

I have been reading through the site for a year or so, and finally signed up.

Firstly, I want to thank everyone who has posted and shared. I cannot express in words the combination of emotions (relief, empathy and sadness to name a few) that I have felt reading through your stories. Knowing I am not the only one feeling like this has been very helpful.

I am Australian, I have a wife and two gorgeous little girls under the age of 4. Life was going well and then I hit a wall – to be honest the wall has slowly been creeping up on me over the last 2 years, I just thought I could ignore it. Like many of your stories, I knew I wanted to be a girl at an early age, and I just through that nature would correct this and I would grow up to be a woman. I never shared any of this with anyone, least of all my parents. When puberty hit and I didn't magically turn in to a woman, I accepted it and moved on (or as I thought I had) – and there was very little more thought on this.

In my twenties I had moments were I considered transitioning, but considered this not possible and the stuff dreams were made from. I dressed occasionally and purged my clothes in fear of being discovered. This was a constant process over the entire decade.

Now in my thirties, I started to compensate to try and hide who/what I was – at the time I just thought I was being silly and I tried to put thoughts of being TS out of my mind.

Then in April this year, my mind linked all this together, and I started to understand what I am, though not really accepting it. I felt as though I had been lying to myself all these years, perhaps similar to the guilt people feel over cheating on a SO. It was awful. So I confessed to my wife how I was feeling – that I felt I was always a girl, and that I didn't want to waste more of my life living a lie. As you can imagine, that was a tough conversation, and it ended with a lot of tears – and I took a lot of shame and guilt away from it.

So I went to my local GP to confess how I felt and to get some help – at the time I was thinking help would be in the form of getting rid of these thoughts – try to be normal. She explained this was normal – something I still struggle to accept. I have a great team supporting me which has expanded since then to include a clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist.

In short, I am TS with GD and I am struggling to accept it – but reading the stories everyone shares hear is helping me.

Thanks

[V M]

Hi Cassie 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's a few quick links to help you along

Please be sure to review

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Hugs

V M

[gennee]

Hi Cassie and welcome to Susan's. Self acceptance is the door to self discovery. Once I opened that door, all the tensions and struggle disappeared. I wish you the best in your journey. Embrace all the positive things that will come your way. Thank you so much for sharing.

[HollyP]

G'day Cassie, glad you're here!!!  I think you'll find we ALL have our own journey (its very individual and personal) and all start at different times (some of us like me a bit long in the tooth) and all of us are at a different milepost on the road.  But we're family, here for you when you need, as you will be for others behind you.  Keep us posted, and part of your journey, as you are part of ours.  And Therapy is a Godsend!  Sort it all out, like cleaning the junk drawer! xo - Holly

[Stevie]

  Getting past all the negative stuff that society has put  in our heads is not an easy task. You do not have to feel guilty or ashamed for being who you are.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Cassie,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

Don't worry, we won't hold it against you for being an Aussie. Happens to the best of us. 

Trust your GP. What is / has happened is very normal. It doesn't effect, effect, effect me at all, and I'm as normal as they come. Once you understand it is an in utero birth defect, just like the other birth defect that occur, it will be easier to accept and move forward without fear, shame or denial. If you can take that on board, it makes the journey into finding, affirming and maturing the real you just that much easier. The sooner you accept you for who you really are, the sooner those in your field of influence will accept you; particularly your children. Children have this uncanny instinct of being able to see straight through you. Hence you need to be as authentic as you can possibly be, and communicate at their level.

Depending what part of Oz you call home, we may be able to suggest some respectable meet up gatherings if that's in you bag. If you're a Sydneyite, you're in safe hands.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Speak to you as soon as I dust he shelves and vacuum the floor.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Nattiedoll]

Welcome to susans!

[emma-f]

Cassie - your story is so similar to mine! Its like two peas in a pod just the other side of the world.

[Anna33]

ello Cassie! welcome, yay! I'm in my 30s too. Hows is things with your wife now? I can relate to a lot of what you said, been thru the same thing.  Although i let her know vaguely about some things over the years, and she picked up on some clues, I came out to my wife officially just a few months ago and we are working on this together.

Take good care of her and she will become your best everything. Every wife deals with this differently I guess but most of them need to adapt to this new world and we got to help them lots. 

My best advice would be: never forget that she is going thru big changes too, and hopefully, she is trying to adapt in order to stay with you after your transition, never think that her questions are rude or stupid and always be ready to calm her fears and watch over her.

Big hugs. If you ever want to chat give me a shout. x

[CassieH]

Thanks to everyone for the kind words and sharing.

I understand this is a long road, but i have to admit i thought i was mentally stronger than this. Even as I type this I think it sounds crazy - so sorry.

Somehow I just got used to the idea I had this issue (trans) but I could ignore it. I always thought those who transitioned were crazy (although I never verbalized it) - to risk everything including their own life, their relationships and their jobs.

As embarrassed as I am to admit this, I even avoided trans people for 2 reasons - 1) I was concerned they would see the real me and 2) that by association others would start to make the connection.

Now I find myself here and I understand it does not require mental strength to resist transitioning - it requires mental strength to accept your self for who you truly are. It requires mental strength to find something valued to focus on when the shame hits and the though of suicide enters your mind. It requres mental strength to share this with loved ones despite their potential reactions. And finally it takes mental strenght to start sharing your deepest thoughts with a stranger under the banner of therapy.

Thanks for listening and sharing.

[Candi.Krol]

I've been like this for years, but only recently realized that self acceptance is paramount.
you are who and what you are, the sooner you accept it the better. I was in denial for years about who I was, now that I've accepted me for who I am, I feel like I have a huge weight lifted off my shoulders!
I'm finally starting to be me, my only regret is not dong this years ago

best of luck!
Candi