Controlling the message vs casual revelation

[RobynD]

I realize like all people my situation is different and unique in many ways. Other than coming out to my wife and immediate family (and even in those outside my wife, i focused only on the medical need and that i was on the spectrum no other plans than that), i never had a really coming out plan.

This concerns me in some ways and there are days i feel vulnerable about it, like this is going to come back to bite me. I really just started telling friends and coworkers casually because there was a steady change in me presentation wise. I have not changed my social media, LinkedIn, etc there are many people that i do not see on a regular basis including extended family, that still do not know.

With some of my "conservative " circles i present feminine but more "tom boy" than usual, more out of respect for them i guess. We live in a smallish city of about 50K people so you end us seeing a lot of people you know and i have run into former colleagues and acquaintances that seemed surprised at my look. I am a part owner in my business so coming out to my employees in this office was pretty easy, i never said anything unless someone asked and only one really did. They have always known me as feminine, just not perhaps that i am transitioning. The other side of the business owners are super conservative but pretty accepting, when i do talk or travel to them i somewhat careful about what i wear etc.

I believe that my motivation for all of this, revolves around the fact that i just don't want to make it all about me and make a big deal out of my transition. When i have had the conversation with people it was very casual, like "yeah so i am now presenting as the woman i have always been inside, so that is going on ". Part of me is questioning this approach.

Sorry for the rambling. Has anyone else come out like this in stages, casually, with that sort approach? Did you wish you had not later?

[RobynD]

Just giving a bit more information in case this resonates with anyone. I really feel like i just sort of went the path of least resistance here. Conflict avoidance maybe? I wonder if i should be more deliberate outside my own family and have more structured coming out. Send emails to everyone etc.

I don't there is probably no right or wrong answer and i guess this way is working.

[Tessa James]

Yes, your way is the right way.  That said, I too started by sitting down with friends and family for casual but pointed conversation.  Sadly the truth we share can also be considered pretty hot gossip with salacious overtones.  People are going to talk and will share our story with their own spin.  To help control the narrative and tell my own version of the story I started sending out letters and email and eventually consented to an interview that appeared on the front page of our daily small town newspaper.  My wife was upset and worried about it but it turned out to make a big and positive difference.

As a social person in elected office I then showed up at meetings and daily events simply as myself.  People no longer asked me if I was; going to a party?  Is it Mardi Gras?  or What's up with you?  That period of "discovery" was shortened and those that supported me far outnumbered the occasional jerk with commentary.  I used social media like Facebook the same way.  I believe it hastened my progress and made it easier to start the medical side of transition and take the other million steps to being legally me.

Most people don't care what we're doing and if we are fortunate to have people who do they will recall we seemed like an OK guy/girl once too.  I found that many people became better friends and often shared something about their private life too.  Once we are willing to be vulnerable people open up. 

You will hear that you are brave, courageous and you can choose the bold if you want.

[RobynD]

Tessa,

Thanks for the thoughts and encouragement. What people may or may not be saying behind my back, is somewhat weighing on me. I think that vulnerability is something that i am missing with some people out there and would probably be a good thing.

Thanks Robyn

[cindianna_jones]

You need to do it in  your own way. You are honest with yourself and those you interact with. Who could ask for anything more?

Cindi

[michelle]

I am a 69-year-old publically out to everyone transsexual grandma who spent most of her life living butch.   My parents are no longer living and I live hundreds of miles from most of my biological family of whom I have contact on Facebook.   So we do not have everyday contact. I am living with my partner our son and her daughters. 

I am a retired school teacher who is out on Facebook to my past students who I have been able to contact on Facebook.  I have just posted that I am a transsexual grandma and not tried to explain anything to anybody except my youngest sister who accepts me as a female and to one or two of my friends on Facebook.  They all think what they think. 

My partner is perfectly willing to accept me as a male cross-dressing as a female which I am not,  but I am out and about with my family in every aspect of our community lives including our kids schools for the past 7 years.   

Our kids have had their friends over to our house.   Neighborhood kids have constantly asked me to inflate their footballs and basketballs or fix their bikes and skateboards or borrow my tools to do so.    Their parents have been over too and I have just been accepted for myself without discussion. 

I have voted in every election,  been admitted to the Federal Building on business, been called to jury duty with the male spelling of my name and the M on my driver's license without any problems.   I just say that I pronounce Michael as Michelle and it has been respected even when I was called to jury duty.   

My partner calls me Michael and uses the pronouns he even in the ladies' restroom without problems.   She has no problems sharing the ladies' room or ladies dressing rooms in stores with me.   I am 20 years older than my partner.    Now we are mostly stay-at-home people.   We have no car, so we walk or take the bus.   We have a little red cloth wagon we use for grocery shopping.

Now, in my community there has developed many different stories.    With my kids teachers, I am my son's father.   No hassle in the schools.   

With my partner, I am a male cross-dressing as a female.  Most of my life I have been a female crossdressing as a male is how I see myself.   

To people who see us in our community walking or riding the bus,  they see me as the grandma, (which I am),  my partner as my daughter, and our son and her daughters as my grandchildren.   If I get into a conversation with someone,  I explain that I am a transsexual woman, so I don't hide it.

I am telling you all this because out in my community I guess I have many stories depending on how much people know me. 

We live in a tourist beach community where many of the people in the businesses stay the same while many others don't.  The bus drivers change routes every six months so we see new ones and then strangers.   I just figure is that if all people ever see me is as a woman,  I will be accepted as such,  with whatever story they make up about me.   

If people ask I will be honest, or let them, just imagine how a woman can father children.    I guess this is grounded in the Serenity Prayer, to change the things I can change, and accept the things I can't,  and hopefully know the difference.    I do know that I can't change what people think.

[Peep]

I think the casual approach might get a more casual response - people tend to take their social cues from others. If you make a bigger, more formal announcement type thing, people might take it as a cue to make a bigger response?

Personally, I want the level of change to be the same as if I was applying for a new job or moving to a house three streets away, and so I plan to tell people in the same manner - like, "FYI, this is my new address..." only instead of address it's name and pronouns?

[RobynD]

Thanks Everyone - Really good feedback. Peep - that was sort of my approach. May we reach a society where when this happens its embraced and accepted very easily and casually.