Transgender people who are either disabled or look after disabled people

[Cindy]

I'm weighing the waters here.

Some of us are disabled, some of us look after children, aged parents, partners or we ourselves are becoming worried about age and how we will be treated when we may need care.

This can be a minefield of how we look after people we love/or have responsibility for. How do we wish to be treated in age care? How do we deal with our responsibilities - do they change because we transition?

I'm thinking of making this a topic if there is an interest.

[stephaniec]

I'm a disabled senior. always worry about how far I can make it. also I took care of my dad until he passed.

[Cindy]

I'll kick off in my own thread.

Many of you know that my wife is totally disabled, I love her and, sadly, cannot look after her at our home. So she lives in a nursing home.

I have been told that my ability to transition was made easier as my wife could not live with me; I found that a repugnant comment.

I know one of my staff looks after her brother, mother and balances everything, she still needs to deal with herself and her transition. How do we do that?

I know there is a member (so sorry I have lost your name but know your posts) who lives in a retirement home supporting herself, her mum and transitioning inside the community. And the problems you face with the aged.

How do we do that?

What happens when we oldies start to dement and need care?

How do we deal with ourselves and what care do we need.

The conversation is open.

[stephaniec]

At the moment my plans are to go as far as I can the way I'm going than when I can't take care of myself being honest I have two options nursing facility or(   ), unless I find someone beforehand to lean on.

[FTMDiaries]

I'm disabled (hearing-impaired and autistic) and I already have absolutely nobody to help me. My family offers no support; instead, they pick on me whenever I struggle with anything whether it be due to being unable to hear or due to my autistic traits. On top of that, I had three years of sheer hell from them simply due to having come out as trans. In all honesty, I frequently ask myself why I bother with them. I know I'm in an abusive situation, where I love the people who are abusing me and I know they won't change... but I can't abandon them as I'm financially responsible for them.

So I do worry about my future. Hugely. Not just because of my disabilities, but also because of what might happen should I make it to an old-age home, and particularly if I am to become infirm. My only real hope is to find a new partner who is more accepting and who actually loves (rather than uses) me, to help me fight my corner. I'm working on doing that at the moment.

Here in the UK there have been many horror stories of care-home staff abusing and denigrating their patients - especially if they're disabled, demented or in some other way 'different'. How much dignity will I be afforded? Am I going to be mocked or abused for being trans? Will my gender identity be respected, particularly if I need help to use the toilet and my 'equipment' is discovered? Will they be sensitive to my hearing problems and my autistic traits? If my own so-called family can't be bothered, I'm very worried about how unmotivated minimum-wage staff might behave towards me.

After a lifetime of gender dysphoria and finally getting a little bit of peace & quiet from it in my 40s, I worry that this is just the eye of the storm and the bullying will start up again if I'm lucky enough to make it to an age where I can't take care of myself.

[janetcgtv]

FTMDiaries:
You would be better off if you spent your money on someone to take care of you who is tg friendly.
the way that they treat you do you think they will help you out. you do not owe them anything. their finances are their responsibility not yours.

[janetcgtv]

IN the USA when young people were sent to nursing homes because of AIDS. the elderly asked why so many young were there. When they found out the young were shunned and discrimated against.
In the US we are thinking of having our own nursing homes and senior housing.

[FTMDiaries]

FTMDiaries:
You would be better off if you spent your money on someone to take care of you who is tg friendly.
the way that they treat you do you think they will help you out. you do not owe them anything. their finances are their responsibility not yours.

Thanks Janet, I know - but I'm afraid it's not that simple.

My two most vicious abusers, for whom I'm financially responsible, are my minor children.

Not only was I raised better than to abandon my kids; but I have legal and moral responsibilities to continue supporting them until they can take care of themselves. Believe me, I know they're going to try to wring every penny they can out of me. But as a responsible parent, I'm going to do what I need to do to take care of my responsibilities... and I'll get out as soon as they're on their own feet.

I'd also like to continue having some kind of relationship with them (and my potential grandkids) once they've matured, so I have to tread very carefully. 

[Cindy]

FTMDiaries:
You would be better off if you spent your money on someone to take care of you who is tg friendly.
the way that they treat you do you think they will help you out. you do not owe them anything. their finances are their responsibility not yours.

Thanks Janet, I know - but I'm afraid it's not that simple.

My two most vicious abusers, for whom I'm financially responsible, are my minor children.

Not only was I raised better than to abandon my kids; but I have legal and moral responsibilities to continue supporting them until they can take care of themselves. Believe me, I know they're going to try to wring every penny they can out of me. But as a responsible parent, I'm going to do what I need to do to take care of my responsibilities... and I'll get out as soon as they're on their own feet.

I'd also like to continue having some kind of relationship with them (and my potential grandkids) once they've matured, so I have to tread very carefully. 

That is an interesting comment, so often we will remain and fight for the rights of our family and loved ones - even though they reject us.

[janetcgtv]

FTMMiaries:

Sorry I didn't know that they were your children
I understand
I thought that they were your parents or other relatives

[FTMDiaries]

That is an interesting comment, so often we will remain and fight for the rights of our family and loved ones - even though they reject us.

Exactly! Many of us do just that. It makes us better people than those who reject us... but who's keeping score? What do we gain at the end of the day, apart from a bit of self-respect? Compared to everything that we lose?

As a result of my autism I tend to experience mind-blindness when trying to interpret others' intentions. So even though I'm doing what I think is right, it's impossible for me to figure out what the end result of all this will be. It's possible my kids will mellow with age - my eldest already has somewhat - but it's also possible that they're going to use me for everything they can and then write me out of their lives as soon as they're independent.

I have no way of knowing how events are likely to unfold.... and I can't be sure that I really am doing the right thing by staying & supporting them.

[FTMDiaries]

FTMMiaries:

Sorry I didn't know that they were your children
I understand
I thought that they were your parents or other relatives

No worries - I didn't make that fact clear in my post. However, it is possible that we might have elderly parents or relatives who need care despite how they've treated us; families are complicated and sometimes it's not always easy to up & leave. 

[Cindy]

Hon, this is nothing to do with autism. You are a caring, loving parent. I see many parents disassociated from family, just because of selfishness from the family.

I do know of many lovely families; I wish I knew what happens to make some people care and others reject.

I was told that I was exceptional (I'm not) just because I keep visiting my loved one, the staff tell me it is unusual and that most families just ignore family members once they are in a facility.

Why?
A rhetorical question.

[FTMDiaries]

Hon, this is nothing to do with autism. You are a caring, loving parent. I see many parents disassociated from family, just because of selfishness from the family.

I do know of many lovely families; I wish I knew what happens to make some people care and others reject.

Thanks Cindy

I suppose some people are just out to get whatever they can from you for their own benefit... and when you can no longer give them what they want, they reject you. This certainly describes my family to a T (pun intended): they seemed to care about me for as long as I was fulfilling the role of Wife and Mother for them, because that's how they wanted to use me. But the instant I spoke up about needing something for myself, that's when the bullying & rejection started. As far as they were concerned I wasn't supposed to be happy or to be fulfilled or to enjoy my life... I was supposed to be their dogsbody, providing for their every whim.

I imagine the families that don't visit their loved ones at your wife's facility are cut from the same cloth. But you and I? We're fabulous, darling! 

[Tristyn]

I'm weighing the waters here.

Some of us are disabled, some of us look after children, aged parents, partners or we ourselves are becoming worried about age and how we will be treated when we may need care.

This can be a minefield of how we look after people we love/or have responsibility for. How do we wish to be treated in age care? How do we deal with our responsibilities - do they change because we transition?

I'm thinking of making this a topic if there is an interest.

For me, this is  very scary to think about because I am considered to be disabled with no family to ever really help. If I ever make it to the age of seniority, I will have no one to help me out then either. That's why I despise to ever be accommodated. I want to become independent now and until the day I pass. I don't want to be that elderly person in a nursing home. But sickness and mishap have no age preference and can put anyone down. Its like at that point, I really would probably have to be placed in some kind of home.

~Nixy~

[Cindy]

FTM,
In many families the child grow up, leave home, have their children and then realise what there parents did for them, and then depend and demand that they help raise their kids.

In a family where a parent is trans it changes that dynamic 'my mum is a man he can't be a grandma' it is an understandable yet distasteful attitude. It is one that just hurts everyone.

Some how, and in my infinite wisdom (laugh) we/they need to overcome that. It is predujice,  it is cruel, and the cruelty may not be obvious to them.

Some how I think that the awareness of their attitude is a key. But I have no answers.

I'm just sort of glad that the biological joke played on me included sterility. Yet I yearn for having a family (that would probably reject me anyway!).
Oh well, we can smile and laugh at those who reject us, family or otherwise, because they do not know what they are missing out on.

[Cindy]

I'm weighing the waters here.

Some of us are disabled, some of us look after children, aged parents, partners or we ourselves are becoming worried about age and how we will be treated when we may need care.

This can be a minefield of how we look after people we love/or have responsibility for. How do we wish to be treated in age care? How do we deal with our responsibilities - do they change because we transition?

I'm thinking of making this a topic if there is an interest.

For me, this is  very scary to think about because I am considered to be disabled with no family to ever really help. If I ever make it to the age of seniority, I will have no one to help me out then either. That's why I despise to ever be accommodated. I want to become independent now and until the day I pass. I don't want to be that elderly person in a nursing home. But sickness and mishap have no age preference and can put anyone down. Its like at that point, I really would probably have to be placed in some kind of home.

~Nixy~

King,
I wanted to start the dialogue for just that reason.

What do we need? How do we need to treated?

Without information to plan, we cannot make plans.

[Mariah]

I take care of a disabled brother and mom. It's a difficult balance to keep sometimes when I'm trying to balance in things like electro. I spent most of my electro session on Wednesday on the phone keeping my brother calm and relaxed who was so frustrated that day that it wasn't funny. I will have to admit one thing. I didn't notice the pain of electro as much so that is something good that came out of that time besides the fact I helped keep him calm and relaxed. Hugs
Mariah

[Tristyn]

King,
I wanted to start the dialogue for just that reason.

What do we need? How do we need to treated?

Without information to plan, we cannot make plans.

Oh. Sorry. Yeah, you got a point there. I guess my previous response was only validation to this topic and was not an actual solution idea or anything.

Well, one idea that I thought of just now in regards to this discussion would be to have trans people take care of trans people. Like have the more independent, well-off trans community voluntarily help to care for the less fortunate, disabled ones. Perhaps invest in a charity for a warm, loving home specialized in helping to care for aging and disabled transgender people!^^

What do you guys think of that?

~Nixy~

[Cindy]

King,
I wanted to start the dialogue for just that reason.

What do we need? How do we need to treated?

Without information to plan, we cannot make plans.

Oh. Sorry. Yeah, you got a point there. I guess my previous response was only validation to this topic and was not an actual solution idea or anything.

Well, one idea that I thought of just now in regards to this discussion would be to have trans people take care of trans people. Like have the more independent, well-off trans community voluntarily help to care for the less fortunate, disabled ones. Perhaps invest in a charity for a warm, loving home specialized in helping to care for aging and disabled transgender people!^^

What do you guys think of that?

~Nixy~

Well, not much!

What rich people!