I recently came to terms with myself as a transgenderd person. I'm 19 and living as a male at the moment. Right now I'm at a stage of uncertainty. I came out to my mother and a two friends who I trusted. I wanted to share my life with people similar to me.
As a young child in preschool I had a fascination with girls. I wanted very much to be one and experience the world as they do. My mother believed this to be a phase of some sort. I've read that this is how young me discover their sexuality. I wore tights and even bathing suits as young as 8. I was never forced to wear them I wanted to the clothes seemed right. As a grew up I became more and more concerned with myself. My father did not approve of my crossdressing and that i think created a split mind that I have now.
As time went on I craved dressing like a girl more and more. I realized I need to keep it a secret. I had plenty of opportunities to steal clothing. I would house sit for neighbors and find myself my friends sisters bedrooms. I never acted out of thrilling desire. What I was doing in my mind I deemed as wrong. stealing was one thing that was morally troubling but it was the fact I wanted to wear clothes that did not belong to my gender that troubled me more. I had quite a collection. I kept clothes under my mattress and in a crate under the house. Washing them proved challenging. I had to wait for my parents to leave. At the cottage I would change into a recently acquired bikini and go for a mid-night swim. I felt alive, I felt real. I can't say there wasn't anything sexual about it. There was. As a female in my mind I am very much more sexual. Then came the day and I would have to revert to very rigid male clothes. I wore panties to school on more than one occasion. My penis slipping out and me having to hastily adjust. I remember wrestling with my friends and lying in the ground as my friend would point out, I can see your underwear, they're black. I flushed thinking that at least he couldn't see the scalloped frill of the waist band. Around the age of 14 I decided I would purge everything I owned. I felt that I was just a crossdresser and nothing more. I had a girlfriend and set up in my mind that I was very heterosexual and that I would remain a man. We broke up. I regretted throwing things away. I reacquired most of my wardrobe. I don't want to sound like a panty fetishist but I thought rationally how can i wear anything? At that age I was young enough that girls clothes closely resembled boys.I used to paint crotch of my panties red. I would go an buy tampons and pads. I wanted to have a period. I hear women complaining about their monthly cramps and annoyance but to me that was being a woman. I wanted to experience it all. Still I suffered having to hide this other side. As I got older I developed another personality all together. I was Kate. It made my time alone seem more real if I had a name. I remember my first thong. Something I bought at a cheap store. I remember not knowing even how to wear it. Since that moment I was refueled to continue my life in secret. When I got my drivers license it opened an entire world of shopping to me. I bought my first skirt. I bought my own tights. I bought bathing suits that fit me. The more I bought the more confident I grew. Store clerks were happy to oblige me shopping for my "girlfriend" I determined my bra size and bought many bras. How much I wanted to be a girl! I dreamed of having a vagina. I learned how to tuck my penis to give my outfits a much more flattering appearance. I wanted breasts. I filled my bra with carefully molded socks. I learned how they worked, how it added another dimension to your body. I practiced walking with my hips. I wanted a wig, I also wanted breast forms. I wanted more than ever to be real. I wanted to look in a mirror and feel that sexuality that women had that that kept from me in this masculine form.
I've read so much on gender being an abstract concept that I don't want to argue that I know any more than anyone else. However I feel like I have an alter ego. One as myself a man with not a care in the world. A man who love suits and ties. A man who grew a beard to hide himself. Who polishes his shoes and invests his time into covering up how much he wants to be a girl. On the other hand I am a woman, I am beautiful, I am sexual and cunning. I can only be one in the end for the time being I am trapped.
I came out to my mother when she came to visit me at school. I wrote her a letter. I told her how I felt. She told me she still loved me. But she wanted me to have someone to talk to. Some sort of psychiatrist or therapist. I agreed. I like talking to third party people. I find it is easier. She found me a psychologist who works with Trans gendered people. I went to meet with her dressed as a man. After telling her what was on my mind. She told me that I wasn't trans gendered. I realize that I had been holding back. As a man I see my life as a woman as forbidden. It is taboo for a man to dress as a woman, to think as a woman. It was hard for me to tell the good doctor all my secrets. She said that a trans gendered person would want to have a baby, would fantasize about walking hand in hand with a man. would want to have a period, would sound more sexual would be more hateful of their genitals. I was some what upset. I told her that everything she said was true. The psychologist said that she would give me a referral to start the next step if I wanted.
In fact I don't want to give birth. I am set on my heterosexuality. I love women. I find men rather repulsive. In my mind I can see no better relationship than with a lesbian. Because I would still have had the upbringing of a male but give a woman undying affection and love as a woman.
I made another appointment and told my mother that everything was fine. There would be no drastic changes immediately. The psychologist said that they saw no emergency. Which I believe is right. I am not in a hurry to go through SRS. I need to figure out how I want to this to happen. Perhaps when i finish school and I can afford to start a new life. I have the support of my mother. I knew I would. I don't know if I will tell my two closest male friends. They are very conservative minded. I don't know how they would react to the truth.
Thats my story thus far. I feel my future is dark and clouded. I realize how much power I will give up in MtF transition. I need that power to make my life work right now. That is how it has always been. But if i did not act on my urges I would be suffering even more. I'm glad I could at least be honest with some people
Kate
