Feeling a sense of loss towards my old identity

[MyNameIsElla]

I never really experienced the feeling I was lying about who I am. I always felt I had trans tendencies but if I was truly transgender I would've felt more extreme about it then jealousy towards women and irrational anger towards anyone telling me to be a man or man up or any other variation. So I settled for being a very feminine gay man who loved defying gender norms even if it never felt completely right it did feel comfortable. I think why my dysphoria was always so minor was because I have a naturally androgynous appearance long hair and gynecomastia so people correctly gendered me all the time. The only time I felt my dysphoria keenly was after a haircut
which I grew to hate. I then saw RuPauls drag race for the first time and I wanted so badly to learn to be able to look beautiful the way they did that I started to experiment with women's clothing. Then a friend of mine asked me if I could have been born a woman would I have and without hesitation I answered a yes which I knew wasn't normal which caused me to question things. That led me to discovering a post online about subtle dysphoria which I matched 100%. Not long after that I came out as transgender and my life has been getting better now I'm living my truth. I no longer feel zero motivation to do anything and I don't suffer from agoraphobia anymore cause I now have no desire to hide both of which were the main forms my dysphoria took. However I miss the sort of rebelious breaking of gender norms I did every day and the sort of I'm different and I love it I fostered as my previous identity. So while I'm definitely better for coming out as transgender but a part of me misses that and I feel like I have to give up one to gain the other and I've been one for so long that it feels weird to be without it.

[Anna33]

Im glad you feel better. But i think that gd and your rebellious desire to cause some kind of shock and raise awareness on how stupid the gender binary is, are two separate things.

For example: i am a trans woman,  and i have finally found peace inside. But before--and after- i found out, i was still christian, i still didnt go out at night, i still got up in the morning to go for a jog, still married to my wife, didnt do drugs or drank alcohol. I guess i am trying to say that our essence doesnt (or shouldnt) change. Gd to me meant to discover that i was a woman all along. But in no way it means that the rest of me ceases to exist because of this.

Big hugs x

Knowing who we are is essential for a healthy happy life imho. Better late than never.


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