coming out late

[ShadesofRed]

How do I do it?

I tried coming out once, I have been caught putting makeup on and gave an excuse that I was playing around. I can give you deep details about my life, my first marriage failed in college. My wife then found me shaving my legs, and wearing her thongs.

I'm married again to someone I thought was SUPER open minded. Liberal, atheist, politically a match for me and more. We had kids together. My entire life I knew I Was weird, I alwasys saw myself as an outsider, I have always been more comfortable being with the girls, than the guys, and I have always been drawn to girl things....I thought I was just not able to make friends...but what it really was, was that girl in side me, kicking, fighting to get out, two years a go I Started reading about transgender and I knew... I @##% knew I Was trans right away.

now the problem, I'm married, I want to come out, but I love my wife, my friend, and buddy. She knows something is up, so we are seeking counselling and have a session. I'm scared, frightened, and not sure what to do. I'm thinking of lieing and not really telling the truth.  I can't take her in pain, I can't take her crying, her rejection.

should I share my feelings in counseling and really come out, should I remain quiet and make some elaborate but false truth up, to save my wife and my marriage.

I love my wife and my marriage and my kids

Rock....Me.... Hard place

Thanks for listening and any advice....

[Dena]

I really can't tell you what to do but I can tell you that what you feel isn't going to get any better. Will you be able to stand it for the rest of your life? I wasn't and wouldn't be here if I didn't receive treatment.

My suggestion is to tell the truth as you know it. Most of us are not sure how far we will go. Some are comfortable with cross dressing. Others can live with cross living and others need surgery. Say you need to explore this part of you personality and you aren't sure at this point where it will lead.

Facing the truth is far better than getting caught in the act, something that could happen at any time.

[BeverlyAnn]

None of us can tell you what to do, that's a decision you'll have to make based on your knowledge of her.  I will say though that a lie, especially an elaborate lie has to be told the same way every time.  And the more elaborate, the more likely you'll eventually be caught.  Then if you are found out in the lie, the reaction is rarely good.

[warlockmaker]

I can only offer my experience as we each choose our own path, and there is no right or wrong. I have married 3 times and my current wife and I have a 14 year old daughter, I love them so very much. I am also a celebrity in my city. I started HRT and knew at some point that I needed to tell my wife and family, so I told my wife some 3 months after I started HRT and she has she had the intellectual capicity to understand and to learn and her support has been amazing. Even with her,  there have been bumps on the road in dealing with my transition, especially as it relates to our 14 year old. With her acceptance I told all my family and each and every one has been amazingly supportive. It was a real lift to my life to no longer be burdened with the lie I have lived. I am now much at peace.

[ShadesofRed]

Thanks for the thoughts... my wife and friend is amazing,  but I'm not sure she can handle me really coming out. I am deeply scared of losing her and hurting her. .

And to argue against coming out, I have come so far as a male, and she married me as a male. And from a point of empathy I can see from her side what this might be like for her.

she is very intelligent, and I want to believe she can roll with the changes, but I'm not so sure... AND I cannot destroy our family for my needs. . Really more than anything I want her to acknowledge that I'm female inside AND still the person she married. That would be huge. We already do so much together, and in my mind this would NOT change, based on a gender label change... So frustrating.

I would love to hear more stories about couples that delt with the coming out and worked through it. How long did it take, how do you handle the kids, how do you deal with community, how do you deal with family, how do you deal with going to bed together.

What was the turning point where your wife/husband accepted you

[RachelsMantra]

A helpful website to look at is www.->-bleeped-<-.com/r/mypartneristrans

There are a lot of stories from trans partners and it will help you understand things from the other side.

Ultimately I agree with other people that this is a decision no one else can help you with. You have to decide whether the benefits of admitting you are trans outweigh the risks. Even if you did tell your wife you are trans it is a separate decision to decide to transition. That is a decision you would potentially make together.

Personally, if I was in your shoes I would lean towards openness and honesty because I think being honest about your feelings is critical for healthy communication. Staying in the closet is neither benefiting you nor is it benefiting your spouse and it probably isn't sustainable for the rest of your marriage. You will be miserable and thus be a miserable spouse, which is not good for the relationship either.

Good luck with your decision. Hugs

[Eva Marie]

Don't lie - when you inevitably slip up and get caught it just makes things much, much worse.

Instead, be honest with her but don't dump it all on her at once. Since your wife is intellectual appeal to that with facts and medical evidence as she is able to absorb it. You have a medical condition that was present at birth and no amount of wishing, drinking, determination, or anything else is going to make it go away.

If she will go to therapy with you and learn about what is going on with you that's great news. My ex refused to do that thinking that if she ignored what was happening with me it would all go away. Sadly, our marriage went away instead.

Ultimately, the decision to confide in her or try to "man up" and live a non-authentic life is up to you. If you do open up and confide in her the power then shifts and then it's her decision whether to stay in the relationship.

We are here for you so please don't hesitate to ask questions or vent. Many of us have faced these impossible decisions ourselves so we know what it's like and what you are going through.

[Katiepie]

Trust me, lieing will do you no good. Just about every response from everyone else has the same regard in mind. If its big and elaborate, then that elaboration will need to be told as 100% as such every time, even after so long that it becomes second nature and you start to believe your own lie and live that lie until one little crack in the step you take turns that lie upside down and reveals the deception, the reaction to that of course will ultimately destroy everything in what you know and once loved.

Also in this case as well, haven't you lied to yourself enough to warrant trying to live as yourself, and not a shell of what you once were, the turmoil you have, the true act of a big fat lie of living as what society grew you into. Wouldn't you want to alleviate yourself from all the stress?
Being open doesn't necessarily mean to put an overloaded plate of everything, but to slowly unravel your life story. To end up finishing this chapter in your life, turn the page and start transitioning your life in the right direction. Doesn't all of this sound much better than the turnaround from deceit and deception?

And as your significant other has rights to live life and turn tides once it is all out in the open, she can then either lead to a few options herself. She can stay and help you progress in life as you would hope. She can dismiss herself from the relationship, but become a valuable friend and resourceful in helping you. Or the obvious outcome of totally ripping herself away from you all together and casting you completely out of her life.

Knowing that there are the good and bad outcomes of the truth, there is a shred of hope in which you can hopefully gain from being open and justifying that you are there for her as well as your own health and wellbeing.

I can't really force you to do anything you do not want to do though, but help guide you in hopefully one of the many right directions in your path of life and love.

Kate <3

[CassieH]

This is a very difficult decision - one I faced and came out to my wife in may this year.

Yes,  there were tears and we are kind of in limbo at the moment while we both try to come to terms with it,  but even as unpleasant as it is at the moment - the alternative was worse.

If your wife is like mine,  she picked up something was wrong and both she and I ignored it for sometime. Every argument we had as I became more distant from hiding my secret,  the more guilt I felt, the more shame and the less personal worth - all culminating to a point where I thought ending my life was the only way out. At that point I knew I needed help,  and as selfish as it sounds I needed to start by sharing my secret.

At the moment are things better for me? The answer is no, but for the last 6 months things have not gotten worse either - and it has given me some time to attempt to address my guilt and shame over being TS.

I hear the phrase often - "when you find your self in a hole you have to stop digging to get out". I have stopped digging but I am not out of the hole.

The above is just my recent experience. I still have hope it will have a happy ending.

Take care

[Mirriel]

i think you have to guage  your counselor, your wife, and what is most important. in an ideal world with a true partner you would be able to safely come out and traverse these issues. but we dont live in that world and partners do have limits at times to what they can handle. socially i think is the biggest issue for your wife. what will neighbors think, family think your kids friends think. etc.  sideally your partner would support you, empathize with you etc.. but again.. not a perfect world. you may need to talk to this counselor privately so they really know what you are dealing with...and hopefully your partner can handle not being there so you can disclose this delicate situation. so they can actually help you both.