Do you need to hit rock bottom before truly accepting yourself???

[Sharon Anne McC]

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Jayne:

Pardon my early lack of comprehension.  When I read your opening post, I perceived you are M-F.  Reading 'Reply #3' changed my perception to ask if you are F-M.

Okay, so it appears I presume you are M-F by you mentioning your marriage.

You posted that you have no friends.  Allow me to comment that friends are counted in quality, not quantity.  Your wife ('my most amazingly wonderful wife') is your best friend whether you are male or female.  You are way ahead of the game; she's quite the keeper for wanting to stay with you when many others will cut and run.  Actually, if you as a married couple vowed 'for better or worse', she is about to find your 'better' you (not your 'worse' you) as you transition.

I hope that my presence here at 'Susan's' demonstrates that I can be counted among your quality of friends.

Which ever way you are or are exploring, I would suggest that you find comfort in your persona.

I went through years rather hating what I am only to discover during transition that I am more than I ever thought I was.  It took all those years of extended transition to learn to accept all that I am.  I welcome and accept my female binary identity as who I am.  Explore who you are.

Not all transsexuals go through all procedures.  Some can afford the expence and complete all stages to meet their desire, others face financial limitations despite their aspirations, others choose only some elements of transition.  Consult with your counsellor to explore your possibilities.

As TKGW posted, things will improve once you get time on transition.  He is correct.  You need to learn by experience in this deal.

I lost every family member (immediate and extended) and every pre-transition 'friend' because of my transition.  They chose to want my false me and not my true me.  Their loss, not mine.

The biggest part of my transition was fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of the future.  Fear that froze my ability to recognise opportunity that stared me right at my face and I saw nothing.  Fear made me lose many years same as you are now.  Fear because my entire transition was 'stealth';  I had only my medical community to guide me, they themselves novice and uncertain how to manage my care.  When my situation was determined to be inter-sex female, I was struck by more fear - further confounded yet finding assurance of my path.  These fears led to my biggest regret - regret that I allowed fear to disrupt my capacity to transition better. 

My transition was gradual.  I did not go to bed one night as my male predecessor and awake the next morning as Sharon and female.  I changed elements of my life one at a time:  daily living at home, errands, social life, college, church, work, etc.  Explore what will work for you

My first transition physician literally warned me that I would 'never pass as female', never be acknowledged as female; a few years later a separate physician expressed amazement how my body changed so well to female as if I 'always had been female'.  Browse other threads here at 'Susan's' that document our very clear, dramatic changes (such as:  Susan's Place Transgender Resources » Community Conversation » Transsexual talk » Male to female transsexual talk (MTF) » Topic:  The All New 'Before & After Topic (v 3.0)').

Your gender identity is in your brain.

Not all females are 'interested in any of the girlie type things'; 'girlie type things' do not make one female.  Nor your attire; similar as Kellam posted, I wore uni-sex female attire while still presenting as male.  Then I hit 'male fail' and knew it was time to complete my transition to female full-time forever.

I am female.  I wear skirts when I choose, I wear jeans when I choose.  I wear make-up when I choose, I go without when I choose.  I played on a women's city softball league for several years.  Never do I feel less a female with my choices.  Your self-exploration will find your version of female- and woman-hood.

Did I ever 'hit rock bottom' as discussed here in this thread?  I doubt it.  I am fortuneate that I did not have that experience; I always knew from my earliest memory in childhood the female who I am.  From that I would suggest that there is no such requirement going where there is no necessity.

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[Jayne01]

Hello everyone,

My wife and I just returned from a sad overseas trip to visit a family member who was sick and then passed away. I haven't been participating on this forum for that reason. Oddly enough, my dysphoria kind of disappeared for a while which I noticed and started questioning whether it was ever real. However, after the funeral as things started to settle, it returned, and it feels worse than before. I now wake up every morning and my first thoughts are "I want to be a woman, NOW!" Stupid brain!

Anyway, I have read all your replies. Thank you for all your support. I see my therapist again on Tuesday after a few weeks break due to the family emergency. We will have lots to talk about. Far more than the allocated 1 hour will permit.

Rachel, thank you for caring. My wife is the most important thing in my life. I also know that I am equally important to her. That is the main thing that prevents me ever harming myself. I fear the dark path I would probably take if my wife wasn't in my life. Thankfully, that scenario is not playing out.

Thomas, I don't know much about history. It was one of the subjects I never paid any attention at school. Now I kind of wish I had paid some attention. It would be nice to know more than the very little I do know about various historical topics. I wish you well in your research.

T.K.G.W., I have never tried to be either male or female. However, to anyone outside my own head, I would seem every bit male. I look male, sound male, I have male mannerisms. By all accounts I'm just a regular guy. And for most of my life I thought I was a guy. But lately, as I am slowly realising that I'm not exactly a regular guy, I'm starting to get all these memories I didn't know I had that would suggest for my entire life I have had a gender identity problem. Now it feels like my mind is completely dissociated from my body. I see my reflection and I know it is me, but it also feels like I'm looking at a stranger. I can't imagine how I would look as a woman, but if I close my eyes and just let my mind drift, I feel as though I am all female until I open my eyes and get jolted back to reality when I see my body again. Just now as I was writing that, I think I realised what gender identity is. It's how I feel myself to be without my physical body coming into the equation. I think I just had a eureka moment!

Asche, I don't think I am at rock bottom, but I'm kind of hovering near the bottom, close enough to know I don't want to go there. I often have moments where I don't really care whether I live or die. I would hurt myself on purpose, but I sometimes reach a point where if I was crossing a road and tripped and fell, I wouldn't be rushing to get up, even if a truck was coming at me. I'm not in that place now, and I hate the fact that I sometimes feel that way.

orangejuice, after reading everybody's replies, I don't think you have to hit rock bottom. The lovely people on this forum have demonstrated that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and with the right support we can get through these confusing and troubling moments. As I mentioned above, I can see rock bottom, but I don't want to go there and I'm slowly working my way to a happier place. Take care of yourself and keep asking questions on here. The people here have big hearts and will offer whatever help they can.

Sharon, to clarify, I am M-F. My body is M and my mind is F and M. It's complicated! I present as male and have not undertaken any form of transition........yet! I'm keeping my options open at the moment. Thank you for your comments. I agree friends are better measured in quality than quantity. My wife is everything to me. She is my best friend and soulmate. I can't imagine a single moment without her. A lot of my fear comes from not wanting to hurt her. She is standing by me, but she is still hurt by me. It is not my fault I am the way I am, and she totally understands that, but it is still me that is the cause of any hurt and uncertainty she is feeling. If I wasn't trans she would be having these feelings. I know it will take time to figure it all out, but in the meantime it still is upsetting. I'm sorry your family did not stick by you. That must have been difficult for you.

Jayne