I want to dress again, but is it worth my marriage?

[Eedjii]

Hey everybody,

I loved crossdressing when I first tried it at 18, it just felt so nice and relaxing, and definitely very arousing too.

After a fight with my family I quit, and haven't done anything since. I am now married, and these desires came back.

I told my wife, and she had an attitude of "you know you can't dress anymore, right?" But soon changed her mind and asked if I wanted to wear one of her sweaters with her so I can see how it feels and tell her.

I think her goal is to find out how I feel and help me feel that way without dressing.

But I declined. I was too embarrassed to accept. I don't feel like I could do it. I'm just so ashamed of my crossdressing.

I'm also scared that if I do it again with her it will start escalating, I'll want to do more and more until she gets Fed up and leaves me.

I absolutely loved it the few times I wore a dress, but I'm just not sure if it's worth my marriage.

I also wish I was a gg, I always think about it wishing there was a button to do a full restart on life as the other sex.

[Laura_7]

Here are a few resources that could help you... a brochure from the NHS...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

There is no need to feel ashamed...
many people say being tg has biological connections... to do with development before birth...

you might look for a good gender therapist to help you and find out what you want...


*hugs*

[Dena]

If you haven't done so, look at your introduction thread because there is much good advice in it. The simple facts are the feelings you have aren't going away. You might be a cross dresser or a transsexual but only a gender therapist will be able to sort this out. Your wife seems to have some give in her view point and honesty in the presence of a therapist might help her understand what you are dealing with.

it would be nice if we could give you a yes - no answer but we can't feel how bad you need this and we have no idea how much give your wife has. At this point, I think only a therapist will be able to restore order to your life.

[sparrow]

My wife tried to be supportive when I cross-dressed, but she would have a meltdown every single time, and she'd say hurtful things about me.  As a result, I decided I wouldn't try it any more.  Several times.  I managed to keep a lid on it for about 4 months because she got a concussion and I didn't want to stress her out.  Oops.

The result of that kind and caring (y'know, caring for her and not myself) decision was that the pressure built until I had a meltdown myself.  I was suppressing this need, and suppressing it was making the need that much more urgent.  A meltdown was inevitable.

This is a need of ours.  I don't understand the need, but I've come to accept it.  If your wife understands that the result of bottling is that you'll be a temperamental basket case, she might prefer you to cross-dress or transition.  Lots of spouses are internally homophobic or outwardly transphobic, and will never accept this.  However, lots of spouses actually meant their vows, and will go the distance.

Does cross-dressing need to involve sex for you?  Could you get by if you joined a women's book club, for example?  Most cities have a community of cross-dressers -- they meet up, go out on the town, help eachother with their presentation, etc.  What I'm getting at is this: would your wife be okay if you cross-dress where she can't see?

The above is strongly informed by many meetings with a gender-competent therapist.  (actually, two therapists; mine and my wife's)

[Black Arrow]

Wait, so your wife actually accepted your crossdressing, and you were the one to decline it? In that case, why is the question "crossdressing or marriage?" when you can clearly have both? Unless she decided to be intolerant of crossdressing once again in the time that passed between your previous crossdressing experience and now, but I don't see why that'd be the case.

I think the solution is clear: tell her that you would like to try out crossdressing after all, and ask her if she wants to partake, plus find out if she has any limits in this regard. Best case: she has no problem with your crossdressing and might even help you along with it just like she had already offered. Worst case: she feels uncomfortable and asks you not to do it, in which case it's probably best to play down the importance of your crossdressing kink.

However, I am certain that telling your wife will not break your marriage - trying to bottle up your crossdressing urges might, though, depending on how strong they are. In addition:

I think her goal is to find out how I feel and help me feel that way without dressing.

Based on the rest of your post, this assumption may be completely unfounded. Actually, I just think she wanted to support your habit. Honestly though, your wife offered to help you crossdress and you refused it? That made me cringe! Many crossdresser husbands would kill for a wife like yours!

[Eedjii]

Black Arrow,

I just couldn't bear to talk about it anymore. I don't know why, I just needed the conversation to end, it was so painful. I just hate this part of me so much that I can't do it in front of her I guess.

Sparrow,

I definitely get aroused from it, but don't want to involve sex with crossdressing. At the most I'll masturbate but that's it. So maybe that could help ease future complications with my wife?

And that's what I'm scared of, my wife not actually accepting it. Just trying to do her best to put up with it but she actually can't stand it.

[Selina8402]

My boyfriend seems to feel the same way as you... I found out that he likes crossdressing or even having sex with trans/cd girls. I'm a trans girl myself, and I did not know about this until a year of dating. I think it's a good thing that you told your wife. I was upset when I had to find it out myself, and when I was trying to work it out with him, he just wouldn't open up with me. He refused to talk about it, and he said he feels ashamed about it.
Maybe opening it up a little bit at a time would be good for both of you. I would definitely want my boyfriend to tell me more about how he feels instead of just hiding it and keeping looking up pics of other trans/cd girls online...


Cheers,
Selene

[barbie]

Many wives are very supportive of crossdressing of their husband. My wife, too, although she prefers my wearing men's clothes.

barbie~~

[Lyric]

You seem to be experiencing one of the most common, yet misunderstood conditions of sexuality in our society. Sadly, it doesn't really have a deserving name yet. For many, many people-- apparently you, as well-- dressing or feeling in some way feminine is simply a part of their sexuality. This is as much a reality as being gay, bi or lesbian and deserves the same degree of respect. Many years ago, those conditions were similarly misunderstood as yours is now.

While I cannot assess your situation for certain, I can say that for most people this is a permanent part of the sexual makeup, like being gay or the such. If that is the case you won't be relieved of it by avoiding it or ignoring it-- only by finding a place for it in your life. It is sad when one has relationships with others who do not recognize or respect you for who you are. If your spouse does not have a real acceptance of you it's quite likely your relationship will deteriorate over time.

I can say that there are many women who are not only tolerant of their male partner being feminine, but who appreciate and encourage it. Such women are in the minority, but I've run into several.

I hope you can find a way to accept yourself and develop some respect for this as a component of your identity. It took me over a decade of adulthood to do so, but I did. It takes some creativity, but it can be done. Hang in there.

[Kerry30Den]

Marriage is about give and take... it sounds like your wife decided to give and in this opportunity you should take.  Your desire to dress will never go away... ever.  The sooner you accept this the easier other decisions about your dressing will be.  When you repress your need to dress you turn your emotions into a powder keg... and at some point you will explode.

Compromise is key, and it will require those awkward discussions... you have to own it.  Baby steps for you and your wife... a sweater, tights, panties, etc... try one thing and see how it feels for you, and how it feels for her.  I can tell you that my wife never envisioned being married to a CD... but I can tell you know that after 10 years together she can't imagine not being married to one.  She loves me, she accepts me, and she knows this is a key to me being me and me being happy.  Is there compromise in our relationship? Absolutely.  She gets veto power on clothing items and outfits.  I've also told her that if she wants me to not dress to tell me and i will honor that (she hasn't asked yet though).

We've planned weekend trips away so that I could dress.  I make sure we don't just spend the entire time in the hotel room (though a part of me would love to do just that).  She looks out for my needs and I look out for hers.  That's how our marriage works