...and nothing of value was lost

[Miyuki]

So today, this afternoon, I finally went to the county courthouse and filed my papers to have an official change of name and gender. I've been on hormones for nearly 4 years (but more than two of those years were low dose), and  I've been full time for over a year now. The only reason I managed to last this long without changing my name was because I wasn't working and didn't go out much, but that situation is gradually changing, and the need to have the change become official has been increasing. (I think maybe half the reason I put it off for so long was also because it took me forever to decide on a middle name ). I don't have a court date just yet, but some day very soon, my real name is going to be Allison Lina (last name redacted, sorry, privacy concerns ).

I've been thinking a lot lately about what my transition has meant to me, as I move ever closer to another one of the big milestones. I've read a lot on these forums in the time since I joined, written by people who had mixed feeling about transition. By people who felt like they gained something important, but also had to give up other things that were also important. But looking back at everything, over the course of my entire life, I can honestly say, I lost nothing. I guess it's easy to say that though, when you had nothing to lose in the first place. I hated my life, I was effectively a shut-in, I only really lived for the sake of continuing to live, instead of the belief that anything in my life might make me happy.

I've also been thinking a lot about my life pre-transition and how things went so horribly wrong. It might not seem fair at first, to blame my problems on being transgender, because I didn't even really identify as such until the past two years or so. But it is clear to me now, it had a much greater impact than I could have ever realized. Even though I didn't believe I was a girl from a very young age, I always, always felt like being a girl was the better thing to be. I had such an inferiority complex from this, that it gave me a pervasive sense of low self-esteem that made me hate myself and seek out abuse from other people. I never made the connection with this low self-esteem and gender dysphoria at the time, and it is only with the hindsight I have now after realizing what it actually feels like to feel good about myself, that I am coming to realize the full impact it had on my life. I really wish I had been one of the people who just knew they were a girl from a young age, because at least then I would have understood what I was dealing with instead of trying to make myself feel better in virtually every conceivable way except for the one that would actually have worked. If I could take a do-over on my entire life, I would, but at least now things have finally changed, and I can only imagine they will keep getting better.

[Qrachel]

Peace sister, peace.

Rachel

[Obfuskatie]

Same here, except my name change is done ;-)
When I was a kid I was constantly being told I could do things because I wasn't a girl, so I never questioned those statements but they made me really sad. I waited until transition was my only choice, and I regret the things I missed out on because of being miserable. Apart from that yeah I only lost time and money, and have gained so much more as well.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[KathyLauren]

What a great post, Allison!  Congratulations on reaching this milestone.

I know exactly what you mean about seeing things differently in hindsight.

[Miyuki]

Thanks everyone.

When I was a kid I was constantly being told I could do things because I wasn't a girl, so I never questioned those statements but they made me really sad. I waited until transition was my only choice, and I regret the things I missed out on because of being miserable. Apart from that yeah I only lost time and money, and have gained so much more as well.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one... I don't know, I just think it's really sad that I let something ruin my life so completely and thoroughly without even realizing what it was. I know it accomplishes nothing to dwell on it, but it's hard to look back on nearly 30 years of life, with the knowledge that most of that time was just one big mistake. At least I do have a few things from my previous life that I'm proud of, like helping to raise my brother, so it's not a complete loss. But I'll never get over the life I might have had if certain things had just been a little different.

[Obfuskatie]

Try to think of it this way, now that you know the difference between where you were and where you are now, you can fully appreciate the happiness and contentment you find now. Sure there are things you missed out on then, but there are things you'll miss out on now if you are too wrapped up in the past. It's a never ending cycle if you let it.
I'm not saying being present all the time is easy, I have a heck of a time staying focused as it is. But it's very rewarding, when you can be present.

     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[stephaniec]

your definitely not alone

[TheMissingM]

I kind of understand where you're coming from. I'm in the process of correcting my paperwork(wrong county, ugh) and then filing it and then hopefully getting approved to go to the courthouse for said name change. Pretty sure I can't qualify for a gender change, not post-op; Haven't seen a therapist and despite living full time for three years.. I personally don't feel I'm all that natural looking(mixed feedback given.) However unlike you, I've found the need to change my name raising and unfortunately due to how unsupportive those around me are... My shut-in life is being forced to change. I have to work under my male name and it pains me inside especially since I've been living as who I really am for three years.. but ugh, enough about that.

Much like you, I've been reading these forums for a long time before I actually finally joined and they've helped me through a lot of my steps... This was one of the places I first was led to when I was researching the phytoestrogens I'm currently on because I lack the money to see a therapist and/or endocrinologist. I've seen so many stories as well as others who have had to make tough decisions and calls, losing ties to friends and family over their transition and it made them hesitate or have mixed feelings. In my case... Like you, I've lost nothing over this decision. A horrible incident happened in my childhood that made me lose all my friends to begin with, kids found me weird and.. just in general no one wanted anything to do with me. I also moved a lot, so keeping friends was impossible I eventually just gave up. Like you, I had nothing to lose.. I was a shut-in but where we differ is that I wasn't living for myself. I planned to end my own life at my 18th birthday because it felt hopeless, but online friends stopped me. As .. partially pathetic as it probably sounds, my online friends were the reason I didn't take my life.

Unlike you though, I knew from the get-go something was wrong with me but later I suppressed those feelings and tried to be the boy my parents wanted. People constantly told me I didn't act right, or I was fruity.. That kind of stuff, so I really can't say I understand your feelings on pre-transition. Even though I knew it from the get-go, it really depends on those who are around you... My parents for example were very unsupportive at first, only now are they somewhat supporting and it's mostly up to me to push for the rest of the way.

Regardless, I'm happy for you. It sounds like things are going great for you and you can finally be the person you were meant to be. They will likely only get better. 

[Miyuki]

I kind of understand where you're coming from. I'm in the process of correcting my paperwork(wrong county, ugh) and then filing it and then hopefully getting approved to go to the courthouse for said name change. Pretty sure I can't qualify for a gender change, not post-op; Haven't seen a therapist and despite living full time for three years.. I personally don't feel I'm all that natural looking(mixed feedback given.) However unlike you, I've found the need to change my name raising and unfortunately due to how unsupportive those around me are... My shut-in life is being forced to change. I have to work under my male name and it pains me inside especially since I've been living as who I really am for three years.. but ugh, enough about that.

Doing this before trying to start working was a big priority for me too. I never go by my male name anymore. My parents are the only ones who still use it at all, and I am constantly telling them how much it upsets me. Having to deal with my male name and explaining that I am transgender to people constantly whenever I have to do anything official is driving me nuts. I don't know if it's that I'm incredibly passable. In fact I sort of doubt that I am. I look okay for the most part, but being six feet tall and having more androgynous than definitively female features is something that I'm sure people notice. But in practice, I am pretty unconvincing as a male in terms of my mannerisms (which has more or less always been the case), and I do pass pretty much 100% on the phone, so it's been a while since anyone has gendered me as male in public.

Much like you, I've been reading these forums for a long time before I actually finally joined and they've helped me through a lot of my steps... This was one of the places I first was led to when I was researching the phytoestrogens I'm currently on because I lack the money to see a therapist and/or endocrinologist. I've seen so many stories as well as others who have had to make tough decisions and calls, losing ties to friends and family over their transition and it made them hesitate or have mixed feelings. In my case... Like you, I've lost nothing over this decision. A horrible incident happened in my childhood that made me lose all my friends to begin with, kids found me weird and.. just in general no one wanted anything to do with me. I also moved a lot, so keeping friends was impossible I eventually just gave up. Like you, I had nothing to lose.. I was a shut-in but where we differ is that I wasn't living for myself. I planned to end my own life at my 18th birthday because it felt hopeless, but online friends stopped me. As .. partially pathetic as it probably sounds, my online friends were the reason I didn't take my life.

I know I am not the only one who transitioned when they felt like they had nothing to lose. Believe me, I know... I just had meant I thought I was the only one who let being transgender ruin my life without realizing it until I had already effectively transitioned. I used to post here a lot more, but I had a very hard time reading all the horrible things people went through, and feeling powerless to do anything meaningful to help.

Unlike you though, I knew from the get-go something was wrong with me but later I suppressed those feelings and tried to be the boy my parents wanted. People constantly told me I didn't act right, or I was fruity.. That kind of stuff, so I really can't say I understand your feelings on pre-transition. Even though I knew it from the get-go, it really depends on those who are around you... My parents for example were very unsupportive at first, only now are they somewhat supporting and it's mostly up to me to push for the rest of the way.

Regardless, I'm happy for you. It sounds like things are going great for you and you can finally be the person you were meant to be. They will likely only get better. 

I'm really happy to hear that things have at least gotten a little better for you too. I really do believe that if you put everything you have into trying to make your life better you will eventually succeed, but I know it can be incredibly hard at times to do what it really takes.

[TheMissingM]

Doing this before trying to start working was a big priority for me too. I never go by my male name anymore. My parents are the only ones who still use it at all, and I am constantly telling them how much it upsets me. Having to deal with my male name and explaining that I am transgender to people constantly whenever I have to do anything official is driving me nuts. I don't know if it's that I'm incredibly passable. In fact I sort of doubt that I am. I look okay for the most part, but being six feet tall and having more androgynous than definitively female features is something that I'm sure people notice. But in practice, I am pretty unconvincing as a male in terms of my mannerisms (which has more or less always been the case), and I do pass pretty much 100% on the phone, so it's been a while since anyone has gendered me as male in public.

I tried to get it done before I got into working, unfortunately that didn't end up working as well as I planned in my head. No one calls me by my male name anymore, except those who are unaware I'm transgender and are calling about job interviews and the like. Unfortunately I can't really avoid that until I finish the paperwork, because like it or not that is still currently my legal name. Explaining to people I'm transgender does get on my nerves, I really look forward to getting it all done so I no longer have to worry about all this. There's plenty of women who are pretty tall though, I apparently got lucky on the height scale.. I'm only 5'4" but I have long arms and legs, typical masculine shape and fairly large feet and hands. My main masculine feature is probably my nose and a bit of my brow, but I can hide my brow with bangs pretty well. What I've been told is if that you need to have the confidence that you pass in order to pass, you can look downright dazzling but if you have no confidence in yourself then well... People will pick up on it, at least that's what I have friends trying to teach me. Like you my mannerisms have basically leaned more toward female. My phone voice has been a mixed bag, but I'm also 100% self-trained.. usually I don't get sir'd though. People at most will hesitate to use any gender cues at all.

I know I am not the only one who transitioned when they felt like they had nothing to lose. Believe me, I know... I just had meant I thought I was the only one who let being transgender ruin my life without realizing it until I had already effectively transitioned. I used to post here a lot more, but I had a very hard time reading all the horrible things people went through, and feeling powerless to do anything meaningful to help.

Ah gee, I didn't mean to make you repeat this.. None of us are really alone in what we've gone through, there's always one other person who has gone through the same or similar. Like you though, definitely realized being transgender did ruin my life.. because I wanted to transition before anything else and nothing ended up working out. I feel you, some of the horrible things people have gone through here has made me feel pretty powerless as well.

I'm really happy to hear that things have at least gotten a little better for you too. I really do believe that if you put everything you have into trying to make your life better you will eventually succeed, but I know it can be incredibly hard at times to do what it really takes.

I'm happy for that as well, but happy things are moving forward for you. I've been busting my butt trying to get a job so I can afford therapy and still working on my paperwork and what not... Willing to do everything it takes to get it all done.

[Miyuki]

I tried to get it done before I got into working, unfortunately that didn't end up working as well as I planned in my head. No one calls me by my male name anymore, except those who are unaware I'm transgender and are calling about job interviews and the like. Unfortunately I can't really avoid that until I finish the paperwork, because like it or not that is still currently my legal name. Explaining to people I'm transgender does get on my nerves, I really look forward to getting it all done so I no longer have to worry about all this.

At first I thought it was validating to have to explain to people I was transgender every time I did something over the phone that used my name, but once the novelty wears off it gets very tiresome to have to do it constantly. I'd much rather get back to being a normal person again (albeit a normal female person ).

There's plenty of women who are pretty tall though, I apparently got lucky on the height scale.. I'm only 5'4" but I have long arms and legs, typical masculine shape and fairly large feet and hands. My main masculine feature is probably my nose and a bit of my brow, but I can hide my brow with bangs pretty well. What I've been told is if that you need to have the confidence that you pass in order to pass, you can look downright dazzling but if you have no confidence in yourself then well... People will pick up on it, at least that's what I have friends trying to teach me.

I'm not sure if I believe in the whole confidence thing. I mean, I have never seen a cisgendered woman be gendered as male just because they weren't confident enough... I think though, there is a lot of truth in the statement that appearance isn't everything. There is such a thing as acting like a woman, and acting like a man, and when you act like a woman people are much more likely to respond to you like you are one, even if your passability isn't the greatest. Especially if it comes off as being effortless.

Like you my mannerisms have basically leaned more toward female. My phone voice has been a mixed bag, but I'm also 100% self-trained.. usually I don't get sir'd though. People at most will hesitate to use any gender cues at all.

Training your voice is hard. I got extremely lucky because I had a higher pitched voice even as a male (you can't even really see my adam's apple unless I lift my chin up, and even then it's not very big). I was able to train my voice by just practicing talking normally with slightly raised pitch. I don't know how people with deep voices manage, because even with my voice I had a tough time keeping myself from straining it when I started out, and I still don't have good pitch control when I have to speak loudly.

Ah gee, I didn't mean to make you repeat this.. None of us are really alone in what we've gone through, there's always one other person who has gone through the same or similar. Like you though, definitely realized being transgender did ruin my life.. because I wanted to transition before anything else and nothing ended up working out. I feel you, some of the horrible things people have gone through here has made me feel pretty powerless as well.

It's okay, I mean, I am in a better place in my life right now than I've been for a while, so I guess I'm not internalizing as much as I was. I wonder though, if that's why so few people stick around here once they have gotten through the worst of their transition. It's not that you don't want to stick around and try to help people, but the combination of realizing that a lot of the time there's nothing you can even do, and also being reminded of how horrible it feels when you are struggling with your transition... I can see why most people just want to move on with their lives after a while.

[Miyuki]

Just a small update. I had my had my hearing today and everything went really well. I ended up having to sit through several other hearings before I got my turn, one of which was part of a pretty ugly divorce case. The judge actually apologized and said he saved my case for last so I could have more privacy, which was thoughtful of him, but I wouldn't have minded going earlier since I've already gotten pretty used to being outed whenever I had to use my male name for something official anyway. Once my hearing got started though, it all went very smoothly. First I submitted the official letter from my endocrinologist as evidence. Then the judge asked me some simple questions to confirm what I had put on the forms I filled out earlier was correct. Then he asked my dad and brother (who were there as the required witnesses) to confirm that I was being truthful. Finally he asked about my transition in general to confirm where I was with things (surgery is not required in Minnesota for a legal gender change, but he said because the standards for granting a legal gender change are somewhat open ended he wanted to know a bit more about my case).

Overall it was an mostly painless experience without any sense of prejudice or hostility. Which doesn't surprise me too much since that has been the case pretty much every step along the way, but it never ceases to amaze me how much the tolerance and acceptance I've been met with during my transition contrasts with some of the stories I've read here. I think in general things are getting better for transgender people, but I also think that things here in Minnesota are somewhat ahead of the curve.

I still need to wait a little longer to get a copy of the official ruling since the judge said apparently there were a few bureaucratic things that needed to be done before he could rule on the gender change, but I should have it within a few days. Then I finally get to enjoy the process of gradually filing out a mountain of paperwork to wipe my male name from every official record that anyone has of me. Yay? I'm pretty happy to finally have this aspect of my transition complete though. In a lot of ways it was overdue, and it's going to be nice to go back to being a regular person instead of having the explain that I am transgender whenever my name comes up.

[cindianna_jones]

Good for you! HUGS.

Cindi