Can't do this anymore

[needhelp]

So some of you might have read my weird posts before but I'm feeling very very tired... Kind of lunatic at times. I basically know I'm transgender but it kills me inside... If I'm trans... I would be MTF... but if you ask me I hate it. If I could choose I'd choose to be a healthy 27 year old male... I feel like I differ from some trans in the sense that many hate it too, but just because they were not born the opposite sex and would have saved them all the transition issues and such... If you told me a pill would made me a happy male, I'd be euphoric.
Anyway... that's not really what I wanted to get to... I don't think I'll ever be able to transition even if I'm 150% sure that I'm indeed trans. Why? I care too much about others, and even if assuming my family is fine with me doing it, the thought of what I have done to them would kill me. Like yes, I get it... if we don't transition we suffer and once trans go through transition successfully life is beautiful (hopefully). However, I can't stop thinking that while we fix our issues, we bring a huge issue to our love ones. I know my Dad would understand, my Mom maybe but would live in depression about it, and my brother would learn to accept it but never understand what the ->-bleeped-<- happen. I know they'll accept it, but at the same time I could not live knowing that they will be thinking that they lost their son... all the psychological implications that it might have in them? I can't just do it.
I think of this kind of like if a family member was to commit suicide without leaving a note... and then loved ones are left behind with that thought they'll never be able to answer "Why did he/she do it? Why did he/she left me alone?" I know that's a little more drastic but just so you get what I'm saying.
I'm not implying by any means that any of you who have transitioned are doing wrong to your relatives or friends, I'm just saying that's the way I feel if I was to do it... and I need to find a way to cope with it. Bottom line... are there any proven ways to manage this for life? You know, live a healthy life (even if it means taking prescription drugs such as Prozac?)
Maybe there is someone out there who was able to manage. Please let me know !

[Denise]

I am not a therapist nor do I play one on TV.

My situation:
I'm in the same boat as you.  I held back these thoughts and feelings of being a woman trapped in a man's body for 40+ years.  Then one day - WHAM.  I was a total wreck for two weeks.  I couldn't concentrate, wasn't sleeping, my wife commented one day that something was wrong and it came pouring out.  Good thing it did - looking back I was on a path to self destruction.  (But that's me.)

What I'm doing:
My wife is 100% supportive of whatever I ultimately decide to do.  So we've come up with a plan, GO SLOW.  We're talking baby steps.  I bought some clothes and while she's not home I wear them in the house.  In a few weeks I'm going on vacation to our time share (she can't go due to work) and I'm packing mostly my female clothes.  This is a trial run for me to see what it feels like to be out-and-about as a woman.  Maybe 1 week away like that a few times per year will satisfy my dysphoria and a full transition will not be necessary. There's a chance I'll find an equilibrium between my female and male side where they can co-exist.  I do know that 0% female and 100% male would drive me to total depression, be careful of that.

My point is this - go slow.  Maybe you too can find an equilibrium and a full transition won't be necessary.  You're young take some time to explore by dressing in female clothing, go to support groups, meet other transgender people go to a therapist.

One other thing that I found very liberating is finding someone to talk to (email is wonderful).  You get a lot of therapy by typing out your thoughts. 

Good luck.

[AmandaDanielle]

I couldn't agree with pj more. Take it slow. Try not to see the full picture, take it one day at a time.

[Britney79]

I can only speak of my experience and I spent thirty six years hiding my secret. I always thought at some point it would go away, but it never did only got worse. I had many of the same thoughts you are facing. How will this affect my family? Will they be able to cope? I  pondered the theory maybe I can be put on drugs to hide or get rid of these feelings, in the end none of that stuff works. When a person hides a secret like this it only becomes destructive.
That being said I finally let go and came out in February of this year and I felt so liberated. I come from a very right wing conservative family and very faith based. So you can imagine the fear that came over me to come out openly to my parents who I was. Once I finally came clean I realized something, they didn't care they just wanted me to be happy. So walking away from happiness to placate your family is not a good option they have their coping mechanisms.
I  am not saying that everyone is going to be accepting overnight or its not going to take them time to adjust but you have to remember your m parents would rather see you happy than miserable that their expense. And as far as my transition I have been taking it slow and at my own pace, and openly discuss it with my family.

Best regards
Britney

[Laura_7]

Hello and welcome 

Here are some resources that could help:
those are a few points for parents... restraints they might have, etc...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194986.msg1737439.html#msg1737439

Well imo often transgender people are very sensitive, kind of picking up others expectations.
Knowing helps.

And just know that you are not the only one.
And its a step by step process... just take the next step...
many have done this before and succeeded...


hugs

[genevie]

Just a thought to ponder for you. Now you have family, as in parents and siblings? Later you might be married. You might have kids. Maybe grandkids. You might own a house. You might own a company or be integral to your work. Do you see that complications tend to get more and more as we go through life? If I could have made the change and start transition in my twenties, I would have. Unfortunately I didn't know it existed. I just thought I was odd and needed to keep a bunch of me secret. As you move through life, often people move. Family is that entity you talk to on the phone. You visit every so often. Your life becomes your job, your marriage, your kids and others. See where I'm going? I know. Not everyone does life this way. But it is very common. Those people you are worried about disappointing now? Maybe give them a chance to see the real you. The real you can be awesome and lovable, maybe more so than the one you're are hiding behind. Who knows?

[Qrachel]

Hi -

As others have said here, "I'm not a psych professional."  Standard waivers, terms and conditions apply 

If you believe it makes sense to put your general well-being and health in the background so that many/some around you can avoid the pain of life (and here's the thing: there's no joy w/o tears, no happiness without pain, no change without something going away . . . ), then see if you can live that way.  However, from your post you seem to already know you are transgender and have a real sense of the turmoil this creates when and if you can't be your true self.  If you are a fan of the Matrix, then you have met Morpheus and he just jumped!

There are reasons why this condition is often so complex and initially,which can last a long time if one doesn't address the underlying causes resulting in discomfort and worse.  Only you and a good therapist can work this out.  However being willing to share here and possibly joining a support group can make the process more doable and ultimately less traumatic.  We all here get you.  You are not alone, and many of us also deeply wished that this 'scourge' would just go a way - "Please just give me the d___d pill quickly so I can be normal;" right?

This period grew and grew for nearly a decade after 40+ years before I could approach a therapist (I'd already run away from one) and then a support group.  Looking back, I wish I could have made that move sooner but 59 years was when the Stuff Hit The Fan (SHTF), and I reached out.

Please know you are a terrific person, one deserving of love, having joy and peace, living into a future you can't wait to have happen.  Yes, that is truly you - right now, today.  Maybe you can consider taking small steps into such a life -

Keep in touch, find little things that give you true joy and do them.  Things will get better.

Yours in Sisterhood,

Rachel 

[Dena]

The feelings you have will always be with you unless you change your life to something you are comfortable with. The crossdresser/non binary is comforting to some and others like me need to go all the way. Some people do live with it avoiding the transition but being uncomfortable is pretty much a constant companion. There are people on the site who used drugs or alcohol to deal with it but that isn't the type of life to live.

I attempted to contain the feelings as long as I could but at age 23 it came down to two options, end it all or transition. Transitioning gave me a new life where I find myself happy and free of the troubles of the past. Yes it wasn't easy but it was worth every bit of effort I put into it.