Coming out to extended family advice needed

[ChiGirl]

First off, it's been quite a while since I posted.  Quick update: I've been on HRT for 2 months.  Going well, but not seeing much change.  Feeling the emotional roller coaster and that's been really hard. But all in all things are going well.

Came out to most of my in-laws and my 83 year old mother-in-law (who I've heard rant about Caitlyn Jenner) has been quite accepting. She even commented about how nice it will be to have a daughter-in-law. 

Next is my extended family, most of whom live in southern Indiana within an hour drive of their hometown. Good people and despite living 300 miles away, we've always been close.  My dad's 2 brothers and my aunts know, but as far as I know, everyone else is in the dark.  Every year, before Christmas we have our family Christmas party. It's the one time of the year we all get together (outside of weddings and funerals).  I've been debating about using this as my coming out. I wouldn't just show up and surprise people. I plan to pen a letter and send it to them to prepare them.

So here are my options:

1- Write the letter and show up fully dressed.
2- Write the letter and show up not dressed, but dress androgynously.
3- Write the show and show as they know me.
4- Don't write the letter and pass on coming out yet.

For 1-3, I'd want to give them the opportunity to ask questions and be open about, but I don't want to make it about me. It's a family party.  For 2 & 3, I think I would state this would probably be the last time they'll see me in male mode.

With 4, there's still this part of me that's not sure I'm ready. I think they're going to accepting, but I don't want to put a damper on the party or make it about me.  If I wait, I don't know when I'd have another chance to see so many family members at once. I could plan a weekend to drive down there and make myself available.  Or I'd have to wait until next year when I'm pretty sure, I'll be fill time. 

Any thoughts?
Charlotte


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[Dena]

It's best to shock them as little as possible. From best to worst.
1. In person as they know you. No letter.
2. In person as they know you with a letter.
3. A phone call if they aren't local.
4. A letter if they aren't local.

Appearing as you wish to be should only be done with advanced warning as they will shut down and the remainder of the visit may be useless.

[ChiGirl]

Good ideas, Dena.  In person would be difficult as we're talking about 14 cousins, who live over 300 miles away.  That's why I think the letter a couple weeks beforehand and then I'll see them in person at the party. 


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[Laura_7]

Here are some additional resources:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

Quite a few people use a letter...


*hugs*

[Tristyn]

It's best to shock them as little as possible. From best to worst.
1. In person as they know you. No letter.
2. In person as they know you with a letter.
3. A phone call if they aren't local.
4. A letter if they aren't local.

Appearing as you wish to be should only be done with advanced warning as they will shut down and the remainder of the visit may be useless.

Not to be a stick in the mud, but I sure wish I was mature or strong enough to do something like this. Then again, what good would it do for anyone of my family members if I tried, extended or not? Those guys despised me even as a "woman." Any advice, Dena, for trans folks with less-than-unsupporting family, in general and not just for the trans concerns?

~Nixy~

[Laura_7]

Any advice ... for trans folks with less-than-unsupporting family, in general and not just for the trans concerns?

~Nixy~

-be somewhat self sufficient.
They might give more respect if they feel you do not crave their approval.
Just stand in your own rights... you are yourself, just be you.

You might explain that being trans has biological connections, to do with development before birth.
There are other birth ailments people do not make fun of, too.
And its not contagious. Its was developed before birth.

And you might give the explanation of a male/female twin... people will be like their male/female twin, with still the same sense of humour.


hugs

[Tristyn]

-be somewhat self sufficient.
They might give more respect if they feel you do not crave their approval.
Just stand in your own rights... you are yourself, just be you.

You might explain that being trans has biological connections, to do with development before birth.
There are other birth ailments people do not make fun of, too.
And its not contagious. Its was developed before birth.

And you might give the explanation of a male/female twin... people will be like their male/female twin, with still the same sense of humour.


hugs

I can actually think of a couple of family members this method might work with....but the vast majority of them wouldn't even understand why I would even care to try explaining any of this to them. I mean, my family said such hurtful stuff to me and my cis bro, that we would rather have nothing at all, to do with most of them. I don't know about him, but a part of me really wishes that was not the case....Sometimes, life never works the way we want it to. That is reality, I guess.

~Nixy~

[Laura_7]

I can actually think of a couple of family members this method might work with....but the vast majority of them wouldn't even understand why I would even care to try explaining any of this to them. I mean, my family said such hurtful stuff to me and my cis bro, that we would rather have nothing at all, to do with most of them. I don't know about him, but a part of me really wishes that was not the case....Sometimes, life never works the way we want it to. That is reality, I guess.

~Nixy~

Its about intentions.
If your intention is to have an agreeable communication it might work.
Its also possible some of them come around. Many people have changed the last years.
One effect is people talking if they are amongst themselves.
Well its not foreseeable what they talk about.
But if somewhat explained its a birth condition it might stand a chance.
But its all up to you, you know them best.

have a *hug*

[Dena]

Not to be a stick in the mud, but I sure wish I was mature or strong enough to do something like this. Then again, what good would it do for anyone of my family members if I tried, extended or not? Those guys despised me even as a "woman." Any advice, Dena, for trans folks with less-than-unsupporting family, in general and not just for the trans concerns?

~Nixy~

Some people will always reject you but the only way to win people over is to impress them. You need to show them you can run your own life without their help and you don't need them in your life but you allow them into your life and you overlook their flaws. In short you need to show but not tell them that you are a better person than they are. It's not easy but it's a part of becoming an adult. It can also take a good deal of time so you have to be wiling to do it every day of your life.

[ChiGirl]

I just talked to my aunt and she is totally supportive.  She did question if I needed to tell everyone because of possible reactions and "people do things all the time and other people don't know." Now I'm torn and kinda depressed. 


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[Laura_7]

I just talked to my aunt and she is totally supportive.  She did question if I needed to tell everyone because of possible reactions and "people do things all the time and other people don't know." Now I'm torn and kinda depressed. 


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First, congratulations.

Its difficult to say how people might react.

But on the other hand often news travel fast... so it might be talked about, and it might be better to personally talk to people to let them know... so a clearer picture is conveyed...

you simply might think about it for one or two days...


hugs

[Dena]

Second hand information and rumors are your worst enemy. You want peoples trust and the only way to do that is to explain it to the people who are important to you. You have no control over the information they received if you aren't the source.