Stress Related or Overdose?

[Sara]

Hi I am the new kid on the block, just joined your wonderful group.

Here is where I am at.

I have been taking hormones for 5 years to treat a condition I have after being molested as a child. Too much Testosterone and nervousness. I saw a shrink for 10 years and have avoided them like the plague ever since but over the years I became compulsive with my drinking to cover up my nervous dissorder and the fact that I was female orientated in the way that I liked to dress up, play with paper dolls and liked other girls. Because it was a male that caused all the problems I didnt care much for them but have since been with a male, a nice boy who was bi sexual. I seemed to like females alot more but for a reason, I liked the love they gave and their softness and beauty but this led to me wanting to screw everything that was not tied down and even then I would try. Secretly I thought about being with men and what it would be like but I could not picture myself being with a man as a man. Now here is the real issue, I had a problem whilst taking my hormones where I could not remember taking my dose and doubled up on my estrogen, I suffered from extreme nervousnous and depression and chest pains and cold shivering body and especially my feet, I thought I was going to die. So I stopped cold turkey but then found that while I was trying to get a GP's advice on what was wrong with me my Testosterone level shot through the roof to about 16 from a very low 0.02 or something like that and now I am left with a high pulse rate heart palpitations, vein palpitations, bruising of the veins, stress, sore stomach, aching nipples and a sore brain. When I tried to go back on my tablets as directed by my Endocrinologist, I got severe depression and matters appeared worse. I have managed to go back on my Aldactone but only a miniscule dose. I am proceeding with caution. The Androcur will have to wait and so will the estrogen until I can rule out thrombosis, however I did have a test that showed I was clear of that. Anyway get to the point, the point is that now I finally now believe that because I so much wanted to be a girl I have created my own nightmare and may not be able to continue treatment all because of this mixup with tablets and I am hoping that maybe just maybe it might only be a set back and all caused by built up stress over the years of not actually coming out with my problem " Psychosis". Not that it is good to have " Psychosis" but at least it is treatable. The main drag to all of this is that I now  have not much in the boob department, I have to shave alot more both on my legs and face which I never had to do while I was on my tablets, it is yukky! and I have errections every second of the day and where my testicles were non existant they have reappeared and feel like a basketball between my legs, I have put on alot of weight around my stomach and hips whereas I had a good figure before and even with excercise I cannot seem to lose the fatty tissue. At least I am now trying to arrange an appointment with a shrink to discuss my gender issues and I have started wearing feminine cloths outside which gets a few people gazing but in general it has been good. I just want to sort out the health issues. Sorry if I have rambled on but I am in a bad way and getting more depressed the longer I am off my tablets.

Any Thoughts?

Sara.

Edited by Dennis to remove specific dosage information about hormones. Please have a look at the site rules.

[Peggiann]

Sara, HI and welcome here to Susan's.

You have come to the right place for seeking direction.

I feel though that you are in more desperate need of have a GOOD Endocrinologist do a complete work up on your hormones across the board. The hormone systems in our bodies a very important, and should not be taken lightly. One out of wack can cause the others to go off base as well. Stress can cause all of them to be out of balance too. Your depression you are experiencing is very important to address as well. Getting with a Therapist for the depression is a must. They can help give you something to get you out of the depression till you get the hormonal balance corrected. Don't delay in this as you can tell from my own posts the hormones gone goofy can lead to seriouse health issues that can be life threatening.

Do keep us posted on your progress.

Smiles,
Peggiann

[stephanie_craxford]

Hey there Sara,

Welcome to Susan's.  I've read your intro and to be honest, speaking for myself, I think that your needs are beyond the advice that we can realistically give.  However, having said that there may be those here who would be in a better position or even have been, or are in, a similar situation that you find yourself, and are in a better position to advise you.

At this point in time I would have to agree to a certain extent with Peggiann, except that we would never provide direction, and that you should have a complete work up done hand-in-hand with credible therapy.  May be I'm reading this wrong (And I've been known to do that ) but the issues that you've described are complex and all over the spectrum of being transgendered.

But...  apart from helping, and advising, the other key elements to Susan's is to offer support, fellowship, friendship, a place to rant and rave, and heck, a shoulder to cry on if needed and that's what we do.  I'm hoping that there is someone here who can provide you with better advise than I can and I'm sure that there is.  Please be sure to read the rules and again welcome to Susan's

Chat later

Steph

[Sara]

Thank you Stephanie and Peggiann.

I have known for years that my issues would eventually catch up with me but was too scared to do something about it. I have to see my Endocrinologist in March so I will ask him to do bloods on just about everything he can think of.

I am dealing with a GP who is a bit of a bloke and finds it all strange that I am on any kind of hormone treatement at all and keeps going back to my early childhood when I was molested. He says that it could all be psychosis. Duh, I was perfectly ok on my hormones until I took too many then stopped.

I am seeing him this month and will demand to see a psychiatrist who specialises in hormones and gender issues. There is a good one I have been told by another transgendered person in the City where I live.

Anyway enough of me, I am even boring myself talking sooooo much but it does get you down not knowing what is wrong.


Sara.

[Dennis]

Oh and welcome, Sara. Sorry, I saw your post just as I was leaving work for an appointment and only had time to throw an edit in and no time to say welcome. We look forward to your contributions and hope that you find ours valuable.

Dennis

[stephanie_craxford]

Anyway enough of me, I am even boring myself talking sooooo much but it does get you down not knowing what is wrong.

Don't ever get bored with yourself hon, it's the only one that you have , and being bored is almost like giving up on yourself, and that is one thing you should never do.  You are doing the right thing by seeking the best help that you can.  While there are many out there who do their best to help, the truth of the matter is that they are just not equipped to deal with such specialised issues.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with a GP admitting the they are not qualified to give you the  care that you need, and they should be more than willing to provide you with a referral to a psych.  It's the professional thing to do.

Keep us posted on what transpires (there's that trans word) and how you are doing.  remember that we are always here.

Steph

[Sara]

Thank you soooo much Stephanie and thank you for saying hello Dennis.

I will keep you updated as to what the outcome is, I nearly said "as to what transpires" oh well.

Sara.

[Terri-Gene]

Sara, Steph was quite right that the problems you are discribing are somewhat beyond the typical problems faced in most transgendered people.  Some of it may be medical and a lot of it is theraputic.  First stop would be your MD for a complete check up and blood work and if nothing significant to the problems is found then on to you therapyst as it sounds like much or most of your problems are in that field.

Transgendered people suffer a lot psychologically, far deeper in general then they themselves may realize, that is why therapy is so important.  Those who are seriously involved don't go to therapy just to get meds, but also to work out problems with life and people that have developed as a side issue of being transgendered.

Working with a therapyst right now would seem to be a good issue for you to persue from what all you have said. Without knowing for what or why female hormones and testosterone blockers were being perscribed for reasons not amounting to transition there is little advice that can be given from others who may have had or know about such problems and also as said, there are no doctors here or people that have made themselves known to us to give sound advice about sever medical issues.

Transition to female without having lifelong serious issues about your gender is also a dangerous thing to consider, so don't touch that one unless you are totally comfortable with the entire concept as at present it is not likely you would understand just what a transition means beyond simply looking, walking and talking like a female.  It is so many miles beyond simply that and much of it will not be appealing to many and there is no turning back after particular points have been reached.  As said, seeing a therapyst and being totally honest and working on the problems being faced is your only real option right now to handle and put in place these feelings you are presently having.

Terri

[Sara]

Terri, I posted the answers in my introduction so I wont go on here too much but I agree with all of what you have said. The fact that i have cried soooooo many nights to myself says it all - I am messed up. I miss my youth and wish I could turn back time and start over but I cannot. I wish so many things but I must press ahead the best I can and maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sara.

[molly]

Sara, there is a light at the end of tunnel and their not headlights.  I can say with all honesty that life does get better, but the journey I am discovering begins within.  I had a post op woman tell me its not about SRS, FFS, hormones, or any of those things, its about how you/I think about ourselves.

As far as when you started accepting yourself, there is no wasted time.  You learn from everything and the fact is you were not ready until now.  That is how I look at it for myself.  I felt the same way but why waste more time when it is not necessary.

I'm happy for you and have a good journey.

Molly

[Shelley]

its about how you/I think about ourselves.

Well said Molly,

It is only ourselves who can change the way we see things. Keep focusing on the light Sara I feel confident you will get there.

Shelley

[Sara]

Molly and Shelley, I am really touched by your support, I am actually crying (must be the stupid aldactone) I guess you are all right I need to focus on what lies ahead for me as a person rather than any hormones or surgery that I may be contemplating. Life is not easy full stop but we still go shopping every day and work and pay bills etc so why is it any different than the norm, My hormones going up and down doesnt help matters though.

I am having one of those days when you look at yourself in the mirror and go yuk, maybe I am kidding myself, questioning my reasons behind all of this, do I really need to be a girl, can I get by with being a boy, am I too old and maybe I should just go back to being the same drab person I was growing up (sad/drinking/alone with my feelings kept hidden) and then I here myself saying maybe I deserve to be who I really am inside and that people should get used of it and if they cant then get out of my life but then I stop and say what about my wife who is disabled, what about my son and step kids and I fall back into being that sad alone person. I am really crying now. Maybe I shouldnt be so selfish.

Sara.

[Kimberly]

Sometimes we must be selfish if we are to have any happiness in life.
In my opinion those worth keeping will deal with who you are. Are, not pretend to be. Also in my opinion, life is not worth living when you are pretending to be who you are not. Especially when it is relatively easy to be who we are.

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.

P.s. If you are still breathing you are not to old.

[Sara]

Sorry Kimberly am I am having a really bad day. Amazingly though I took a larger dose of my medication and I feel good no breathing problems at all, so I guess it must be that aweful T.

Everything is bad today, I am taking things to heart.

STRESSED OUT BAD!!!

You are so right I am breathing I am not a bad person and deserve what is right for me, I am just scared.

Sara.

[Kimberly]

^*smile* No need to be sorry...

I agree with you about T... testosterone has got to be the worst hormone in existence, although I doubt the guys would agree ^*wink*

Take heart, it's all uphill from here! (It's a climb, but once we get there it's going to be a beautiful view...)

[Peggiann]

HI Sara,

As far as when you started accepting yourself, there is no wasted time.  You learn from everything and the fact is you were not ready until now.  That is how I look at it for myself.  I felt the same way but why waste more time when it is not necessary.

Molly is right about this, I used to tell my students parent " The teacher will appear when the student is ready."

I don't know that it's being selfish Sara. It's being Fair, Firm and Freindly to yourself. This is a must you will spend your whole life with YOU. You have to be able to take care of your needs in order to love yourself. IT is important to love yourself to love and have a desire for life and all it has to offer. Don't be so hard on yourself. Wrap those arms around yourself reaching your hands as far around to the back as you can reach and squeeze yourself har and say "I LOVE ME". You need that you know!

Keep on keeping on girl and it will get easier as days go by. You'll look back and say wow look how far I've come.

Smiles,
Peggiann

[Sara]

Thanks Kimberly. I liked the little *wink*, I thought that was funny.

Sara.