After a long struggle with myself and trying to decide what course of action to take on behalf of my being transgender, I've come to the conclusion that I want to move forward with transitioning and beginning HRT. Yay me. There are still obstacles that I both don't know how to approach, nor think I can approach.
I told my mom a couple months ago how I was feeling and how I'm pretty sure I'm transgender. I haven't presented myself as feminine towards her pretty much my entire life, so she didn't believe me. She believes it's a nervous breakdown or byproduct of depression. She told me she would prefer it if I were just suicidal, because she finds that to be a more societally normal mental issue. It was a very ugly conversation, and it broke me down to the point that I actually did feel fairly suicidal for awhile.
I started going to a therapist to try and help me sort out some of my mental issues, and discuss what being trans might mean for me. Through the course of the last few weeks, I've come to realize more that I am transgender, and this body that I have is my girl body and that that is okay.
I think I struggled with intrinsic transphobia.. in that I was ashamed of myself for feeling this way. Which, I do still, somewhat.. but it's a work in progress.
Anyways, I want to move forward again with HRT; BUT! I am not ready to discuss it with my parents yet. I'm 24 and live on my own, but here's the problem. I'm still on their insurance. I don't really know the first thing about insurance, and I really don't know if I can afford my own? There is a place nearby where I live that offers HRT with a sliding fee scale, but it's only available to those without any insurance at all. I have insurance, but it's my parents'.
I can't just use that insurance information for hormones and other medical checkups, because my parents would see all of that on some kind of monthly mail thing... I don't know. I admit I'm pretty ignorant on how all of that side of things works. I imagine they would know that I was going to very specific medical centers, regularly, and that it would be on their dime. I am not okay with any of that.
That being said, I'm also rapidly becoming "not okay" with not transitioning, as I can't stand but feel time is not on my side. It feels like my body is going through a second puberty and every month I feel further and further away from femininity and it is becoming unbearable.
TL;DR: I want to move forward, but don't know how to begin without igniting my parents' curiosity. I'm not ready to talk to them about it, because last time I did my mom somewhat told me suicidal ideation is better than being transgender.
