Struggling

[Larisa]

Im doing better than yesterday but still ya Ive been having a bit of rough time. I like stopped wearing anything but guy clothes yesterday I felt so depressed. I was and still am like I dont want to be transgender, I just want to be a girl completely is all. I just want to be called Larisa is all. I have felt this upset before and it comes out of nowhere.

Its where I stop wearing anything girly cause I feel like an idiot and I feel like oh if I try to ignore it and just be a guy, she will go away. It never works. It makes it worse as Im a girl, not a boy but ya sometimes and no offense but "I" feel as if I am a "freak" sometimes.

As to my nephew and niece, I feel like I have to stay a boy. That's what they know me as. Like my nephew, He is 7 and he knows me as a boy, he doesnt know Larisa even though I am Larisa inside so ya it all gets complicated for me. I wont say my birth name here so Ill just go with say Mike, He knows Mike, not Larisa even though I am Larisa anyways.

I know you guys will understand but so many would not. I hope someday even if it's after I pass is that I get to be the girl I am deep down.

[Ms Grace]

Hi, sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

Its where I stop wearing anything girly cause I feel like an idiot and I feel like oh if I try to ignore it and just be a guy, she will go away. It never works.

You've hit the nail on the head - generally the feeling never goes away, trying to shut it out only makes it worse.

As to my nephew and niece, I feel like I have to stay a boy. That's what they know me as. Like my nephew, He is 7 and he knows me as a boy, he doesnt know Larisa even though I am Larisa inside ...

I can understand why you feel this way. Many people delay, resist, hold-off transition because of someone close to them and in the process end up hurting themselves even more. Transition is a uniquely personal choice - we do it for ourself not for other people, likewise we shouldn't not do it for other people. We can't be the "vanguard" and "protector" of their feelings and thoughts. People - adults and children - have to work through difficult, confusing and upsetting things all the time - do we think we are keeping them safe by denying our true inner self to them, regardless of their age? My sister hasn't even told her daughter/my niece about me because she is afraid of how she might react and all the vague, anxious and paranoid consequences she believes would happen. The upshot is that I haven't seen or had contact with my niece since I transitioned. I love my niece but I couldn't remain as the person I was. If I had waited for my sister to be OK with me transitioning before I actually transitioned then I would have lost the last two years of my life to a miserable guy who hated his life.

[Christy76]

I hope someday even if it's after I pass is that I get to be the girl I am deep down.

I had to begin to become the girl I am even though I don't pass. The other choice was not a good one... If the depression gets too bad please contact someone. It's your choice when and how to transition but you don't have to wait until you feel you can pass to start living as your true self. 

[Laurie K]

Hey, larisa,
                Just slow down, you dont have to complete transition by next week. I suggest you take very small baby steps. Get yourself in to a level of confidence a step at a time.  I started out just wearing undies, and over several years and several purges and one failed transition, I can go out as a female with any member of my family.  May be look in your area to find a support group that you can test the waters, dressing and talk about what you are going through.  It may also be a great place to get support on coming out, Second only to here.
The support is great here,as no two transitions are the same,and most members are willing to share their strengths and weaknesses.

  Believe me  Alot here have  gone through some of the things you speak. My own experience has seen me think I was card carrying nuts, purge thousands of dollars in clothing. Only to have my girl side return in a couple of weeks. When you can gain self acceptance you will have come along way to be who you are, you may still get the negative feelings but the arent as strong and dont last as long. I would not worry about telling any one until you can have some inner peace about you are. Get support here and where you can , maybe speak to a gender therapist
 
  edit: just read your stats... seen  you been here for a bit... take what advice you can use