Torn about Thanksgiving dinner with family

[abd789]

Who should go? Him, Her, or a mix of the two?

Last july was when they all saw me and I was wearing eye makeup and nail polish then... not that that is a big deal, as I kinda present this "rocker type" of image and they all know Im a guitarist/musician

Ill add that its my wifes family and we pretty much only see them on holidays, 3-4 times a year. I do not see my own family but maybe once a year.

Ive lost alot of weight since then and my boobs are really showing, I was always fat though.... but I think its more noticeable now. I really think my face has changed also.

Im kinda mad that I feel like I should not wear snug girl clothes that make me look awesome, but instead hide in baggy mens clothes to keep suspicions down. I would love it if they just told me they can see what Im doing and get the cat out of the bag. But even if they did see it, none are honest enough to tell me (as Im not honest enough to tell them)

Bumming out because all I want to do is get dressed as myself and show up and have a good time, and I know if I "dress" it will make some people uncomfortable and then the focus will be on me.

Every holiday I freak out and have anxiety because I was never happy to go, I was always fat, unhappy, unsocial but would put on my fake smile and endure for the couple hours we would stay there.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm not sure if anyone here can really answer that one. The bold would say be yourself, while the timid would say baggy clothes. In my humble opinion; the only one that can truly give you the right answer is your wife, as you're in this journey together. It shouldn't matter what the family thinks as long as your wife's on board with it. Presenting a united front is a powerful weapon to stay off awkward situations. If it's not this time, there's always another holiday right around the corner.

XXXX hugs! And Happy Thanksgiving!

[suzifrommd]

Bumming out because all I want to do is get dressed as myself and show up and have a good time, and I know if I "dress" it will make some people uncomfortable and then the focus will be on me.

Is it your job to make people comfortable? Or is it up to others to accept you as you are?

[SofiN]

In this case I'd say go as yourself.

I know it is difficult for family but you are doing this transition for you, not them. Even if if makes them uncomfortable they need to understand it is something you need to do.

How many of them know? Maybe you could slip them a hint or something before you arrive.

Either way I don't think you should be trying to hide and making yourself feel uncomfortable.

[Cindy]

I think you know what I would do!

Be yourself and damn the consequences.

I live for me and I love those who accept me.

The rest can whistle.

[FluffyPunk]

well love, Id say I love Harley's idea of involving yer wife, It's important an awesome yer on na same team. Also personally I'd go somewhere between mi heart an mi comfortlevel, pushing na comfort level but always considering safety first.

[abd789]

Well my wife would say I can go as far as I want... I mostly believe her... yes I said mostly... only because I have the problem of not fully trusting anyone... thats my problem, not hers. I trust her more than anyone past or present...but I still have my own doubts

I know its up to me to decide, ,but Im sure Im not the only westerner thats fretting over the same thing today, so I guess its a good conversation... and I thank you all for your replies.

I hope a day comes when I no longer have to concern myself with these things... yesterday was propably my best day ever, looked the best, felt the best... then in the evening the dysphoria set in. Thats the killer right there, if I could stay "in the zone" Id be much more apt to reveal myself... as Im sure is the case with many of us

No, none of the family knows.... do they suspect? Probably not, they are all pretty "regular" people with busy lives and most things slip right past their radar.... at least thats my perspective and it could be wrong.

[Harley Quinn]

I'd say, lay out two outfits (feminine and Drab) early on and see if you're feeling it... If you're feeling in the zone, run with it. If you're not feeling fabulous, getting into guy clothes is very quick. It works 2 fold, you can definitely get a read on your wife's expression and see how you feel about coming out. It'll be a quick way to make a decision when you look in the mirror and your instincts say "YES!", then you're ready.

[FluffyPunk]

Well in thinkin onnit, were evolving.  At some point this cannot bi hidden nor should it bi, but a Hollidae isn't nescessarily na tyme to reveal yerself. Its about na family todae not being trans. M beginning to lean twards plain cloths.

[Peep]

You could go in neutral/drab clothes, and use the opportunity to mention that next time you see them, you will be dressed differently. It depends on if you want to come out without being disruptive, or want them to be surprised when you walk through the door, which could put the situation out of your hands. But if you'll feel more comfortable coming out in your favourite clothes, then maybe that's what you should wear.

If the goal isn't to come out at all, then the answer might be to drab it up

[abd789]

Well I chose womens jeans, which I always wear anyway, but not since seeing them last. A mans drab but nice button up casual shirt, made sure my long hair had alot of big swirly curls and added a purple bandana. I always have my nails painted and I wore some eyeshadow and liner. I also have de-haired myself, been doing that for a while, but not since seeing them last. So I have a curvy butt, boobs which kind of hide in the big shirt and hairless hands/arms chest which used to be pretty hairy...

I didnt get any crazy reactions as Im not that far different than I usually am, but I think to a keen observationist someone would know something was up.

One person did ask why my nails were painted and I used that opportunity to tell her and the other woman nearby what I was doing, they were both fine with it and it allowed us to talk a bit later. I didnt tell anyone else though. But I was much happier than I have ever been around the family and Im sure that my comfort level showed more than anything else.

Next time I will do a little bit more, Im calling it a win for the day

[Peep]

That definitely sounds like a win to me. :D

[Harley Quinn]

Congratulations! Love hearing good news!!

[Urban Christina]

I could relate. I come from a family generation full of religious conservatives in Virginia and I was the first to not be. Several relatives made a huge deal about my ->-bleeped-<- at first. While I've had my ups and downs with confidence, I'm usually confident with friends because you can pick your friends wisely, but you can't pick your family so I was a total nervous wreck with them that I masked with "confidence".

On Thanksgiving in the first year as a woman, I had never been so nervous and had to take deep breaths before I touched that door knob at my aunt's where the gathering was. Most of them were nice but it was awkward and quiet. So I made myself to go to every Thanksgiving and Christmas gathering the last 3 years and I can tell you that it gets better each time as people get used to it.

I feel very lucky to say that out of my whole conservative family, I now have only one remaining relative who is still an ->-bleeped-<- about it. And that's because I forced myself to go every time, and as myself. They saw that I was going to be myself regardless and that no one could change it. Eventually, they all moved forward (but one). They're even pushing this ->-bleeped-<-  (brother in law) to get his ->-bleeped-<- together for me.

Hope that helps. It is difficult at first, but I promise it gets better.

[abd789]

Im lucky to have had only good experiences with those I have told... only a handful, (***counts***) um, 6 in the last 2 months. But I have been pretty picky about who I have told, so I kinda knew it would be a good reaction.