Experience with gender dysphoria and self doubt

[Rp1713]

I just wanted to say hello, as I just created my account, and share a little of my story with everyone, as well as some questions I have of other people's experiences.

I am mostly curious of other people's experiences with dysphoria. I did not experience my first true bout with it until now, at the age of 25. I have memories of dressing as young as the age of 8-9, and of looking through the women's sections of catalogs just as young. I was always pretty close with my younger sister, and remember playing with Barbies and our toy house during much of my youth.

I also have just always felt like something was missing from my life, or within me, and that I never truly fit in with anyone growing up. Ive always had friends, and gotten along with most people, yet found myself wondering why I didn't truly feel part of being "normal". I constantly felt like I was trying so hard and not living up to others expectations of being a strong boy or man. By the time I was in college I just identified this as depression and anxiety. Now I look back on the feelings I had and wonder if it was deeply repressed gender dysphoria, because my subconscious knew that I would not be accepted by society. I've always felt like I had to act like a tough guy, but often times it felt like just that... Acting. In recent years I started to fit that role better in other people's eyes and it began to scare me. I've always bottled my emotions until the cap explodes off.

I also feel as though I've always kept myself just too distracted to ever have time to really address my feelings. I've taken some time off from my passion for filmmaking for the last few months to have some time to have a life again and regroup as I was go, go go for so long. Not long after starting this break is when the gender dysphoria truly began to take hold.

I'm wondering if anyone else has had this experience. I yet again find myself questioning my own motives. Would any type of transition make me happy? Or did I just build this all up in my head through different forms of media and my own constant over-thinking? I have found lots of strength in the story of Laura Jane Grace. In recent months following her is what has given me the strength to explore myself in a new way. I have particularly found a lot of solace in her bands most recent album Transgender Dysphoria Blues, I am able to relate to so much of the lyrical content. At the same time I often find myself wondering if doing things like listening to this album sometimes twice a day, and constantly reading and watching things about other people's experience with dysphoria and transition is just an obsession and is not really what I'm going through.

I have no idea if I would ever want to fully transition, or if or when I want to come out to the world as being transgender or gender non-binary, or if I should just go back to trying to be the man I'm expected to be. All I know is that I would not be able to make it through all these feelings without the love I get from my girlfriend of almost 4 years as I put on nail polish, yoga pants and eyeliner to try and find myself. All I know now is this love, and that if I woke up a woman tomorrow I wouldn't be upset. Just waking up completely comfortable in my own skin, however that may come to fruition would be a breath of fresh air.

Thank you for taking the time to read, and attempting to understand my situation. So happy to have found you all.


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[Tessa567]

I am so with you!!!! I always felt the "Not being normal thing" about myself and could never figure out what my problem was until a couple of years ago. I'm now 48, retired police, four young children with a beautiful supportive wife and I'm now a business owner. I also live in one of the most conservative states in our country. So, a lot to lose.

I was on depression medication for ten years, gained some serious weight because of it. Went to countless therapy sessions about "Depression" only to find it was depression at all, it was gender dysphoria all along!!!!

Coming out to my wife was a lot less painful than coming out to my family and friends. She understood so I was in a good place to start with. I languished for a couple of years reading up on the matter and like you, found Laura Grace and her music.

Started hrt six months ago and it has changed everything. Even though I will be staying in boy mode most of the time, I am now comfortable in my own skin and look forward to the future.

Just remember there is other options in lieu of a full mtf transition. I just posted on this forum today regarding this subject.

You are perfectly normal and going though what most of us have experienced. I wish you the best of luck and if I can help, just say the word!!!

[Rp1713]

Tessa567, thank you so much! You have no idea how much these words mean to me! It is great to know I'm not the only one that feels this way. Your story is inspiring!

I am unsure that HRT is something I will want. But you have reassured me that I don't need to rush in my decisions, and that I can do what makes me comfortable as it comes.

Thank you for your encouragement and offerings of help! I will surely take you up on it if I need someone in my corner. The same goes to you! Please let me know if you ever need anything, even just reassuring words like the ones you gave to me!


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[Jacqueline]

Not to make you run screaming but I am twice your age and most of what you said resonates with me. Never felt normal or like I fit in. Always felt like something was not there. Felt like I was controlling a puppet and never recognized the face in the mirror. I dressed at a young age. I have huge lapses of memory loss from when I was pre 12. I have been suffering from severe depression(only sought help last January) for years. My job, keeps me so busy much of the time, there is little time to pay attention to anything.

I too feel at times like I am just making it up. However, if I were to make something up, why this? On a normal day, I could continue and elaborate. However, I am in a particularly dark place right now.

Just take it on faith that you are not alone. This site is full of caring people.

Good luck,

Joanna

[Rp1713]

Thank you Joanna. It feels good to know I'm not the only one. And just knowing that and hearing from other people like yourself, it makes me know deep down that no matter how I feel from moment to moment that it's real, and that I couldn't just be making it up.

Thank you for sharing with me, even though you are in a dark place. I'm sorry that you, or any of us have to go through this. It doesn't seem fair when we all just want to know who we really are. I know those dark days, but I hope you find your way back into the light. Tomorrow is a new day.

I've found that 4 out of 5 days this week when I've woken up for work dressed half femme, only to shower and change into my "male self" that I can be happy with where I'm at and where I'm going. I have to figure things out and you do too regardless of your age... To be honest I feel very lucky to be dealing with this now, and I almost feel like I owe it to my girlfriend and future family. I know that ignoring it will only cause more future pain.

I hope that you too can wake up day to day feeling just a little better about yourself as each day passes. Thank you for your honest words. I feel as though joining Susan's place is one of the best choices I've ever made for my own health thanks to people like yourself.


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[cheryl reeves]

I can relate too your posting, I've never fit in anywhere no matter how hard I tried. Staying super busy can keep it at bay, but when you take time off of work that's when the disphoria comes back like a runaway freight train, that happened too me 15 yrs ago,and almost cost me my marriage til I told my wife the full story, she knew I crossdressed, but not the full story, I told her she was free to leave, she surprised me and stayed with one major rule, no hrt or gcs, since I have natural b cup breasts, and looked feminine anyway I was cool with that and still am. Right now my wife and her sis are on vacation visiting our daughter til I go get em in January I have the house too myself, so I'm male during the day and female at night and having a blast,now all I need is a day off too play with make-up again and maybe try going out by myself, my wife is my wing woman and makeup artist, so this thought is kinda scary. All I can say is have fun with it, just cause your tg doesn't mean you have too immediately start hrt,or get gcs, find what works for you and you will find that depression is a afterthought.

[JB_Girl]

I was once asked if I was sure.  Sure about what was my response.  Was I sure that the way I was living was fundamentally unsuited to the person I am?  Did I know what direction would take me to my own version of the promised land?  The answers were Yes, and No.  What I did know was that the status quo was untenable and had been for as long as I could remember.  Few of us fit, I certainly did not, and masked the constant ache with drugs and alcohol for as long as I could.  Then I stayed busy, became a "success"  did everything I thought I ought to do.  And I was dying inside.  Not fit?  Barely stayed alive.

That is why therapy is a mandatory part of the Standards of Care.  That is why even if it wasn't I would seek guidance from a professional.  What I have discovered for me is twofold.  That to live a happy and effective life, I have to live my life as a woman.  But having spent most of sixty years living in the guise of a man I needed to recognize that the process would never be complete.  I would never be as a cis girl, but as it turned out that was not my ultimate goal.  My ultimate goal was to feel whole, valuable and loved

Most of us come to this epiphany somewhere along the way and must reconcile what must be done to remain a going concern against the cost.  The cost can be considerable in both money and relationships.  But the costs become manageable  when paired besides the benefits.  Mainly I am not dead, and I have friends who love me and are there for me always.  The gift of living authentically, is being treated authentically and loved authentically.  Wherever your journey takes you, you will become more and better for it.

That has been my experience four years on.  Good luck and remember to breathe.

Cheers,
Ming

[Rp1713]

I can relate too your posting, I've never fit in anywhere no matter how hard I tried. Staying super busy can keep it at bay, but when you take time off of work that's when the disphoria comes back like a runaway freight train, that happened too me 15 yrs ago,and almost cost me my marriage til I told my wife the full story, she knew I crossdressed, but not the full story, I told her she was free to leave, she surprised me and stayed with one major rule, no hrt or gcs, since I have natural b cup breasts, and looked feminine anyway I was cool with that and still am. Right now my wife and her sis are on vacation visiting our daughter til I go get em in January I have the house too myself, so I'm male during the day and female at night and having a blast,now all I need is a day off too play with make-up again and maybe try going out by myself, my wife is my wing woman and makeup artist, so this thought is kinda scary. All I can say is have fun with it, just cause your tg doesn't mean you have too immediately start hrt,or get gcs, find what works for you and you will find that depression is a afterthought.

Cheryl thank you for sharing. It is nice to hear that you are happy finding yourself and being who you are and want to be without hrt or gcs. I don't think I ever want to do HRT, and I know for certain I don't want gcs. My feelings on HRT may change in the future someday, but right now it is very comforting to know you are finding who you are and that you're happy with that without either.

Growing up I always felt like I had breasts and was often self conscious about it. Now I enjoy it and wish they were bigger. Have you had this experience?


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[Rp1713]

I was once asked if I was sure.  Sure about what was my response.  Was I sure that the way I was living was fundamentally unsuited to the person I am?  Did I know what direction would take me to my own version of the promised land?  The answers were Yes, and No.  What I did know was that the status quo was untenable and had been for as long as I could remember.  Few of us fit, I certainly did not, and masked the constant ache with drugs and alcohol for as long as I could.  Then I stayed busy, became a "success"  did everything I thought I ought to do.  And I was dying inside.  Not fit?  Barely stayed alive.

That is why therapy is a mandatory part of the Standards of Care.  That is why even if it wasn't I would seek guidance from a professional.  What I have discovered for me is twofold.  That to live a happy and effective life, I have to live my life as a woman.  But having spent most of sixty years living in the guise of a man I needed to recognize that the process would never be complete.  I would never be as a cis girl, but as it turned out that was not my ultimate goal.  My ultimate goal was to feel whole, valuable and loved

Most of us come to this epiphany somewhere along the way and must reconcile what must be done to remain a going concern against the cost.  The cost can be considerable in both money and relationships.  But the costs become manageable  when paired besides the benefits.  Mainly I am not dead, and I have friends who love me and are there for me always.  The gift of living authentically, is being treated authentically and loved authentically.  Wherever your journey takes you, you will become more and better for it.

That has been my experience four years on.  Good luck and remember to breathe.

Cheers,
Ming

Thank you Ming. I too feel like I will become a better, happier person during this journey. Actually, I already feel like I am. I know for certain that my relationship is better, I know longer feel like I'm hiding a part of myself and that I can give the love she deserves as well as receive the love she has for me more than ever before.

I know what you mean about the status quo. It gets to the point where you're waking up only to fake it every single day. It can be exhausting. Though I still sometimes feel like I'm faking it... Let's be honest, a good portion of the time. regardless I still feel like I'm being authentic to myself, and they for once I'm making decisions to make myself happy instead of everyone around me.

I agree therapy has been, and continues to be a huge help! I can't wait for my session tomorrow evening! I think for the first time I'm going to add some feminine aspects to my appearance when I go tomorrow night. I'm really looking forward to it! [emoji5][emoji847]

Hugs and thanks!


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[cheryl reeves]

Growing up I always felt like I had breasts and was often self conscious about it. Now I enjoy it and wish they were bigger. Have you had this experience?


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My breasts grew in during puberty and that stopped me from going shirtless, I'm a natural b cup, sometimes I wish they were bigger. My puberty wasn't a male puberty, I didn't grow hair on my face or body til I started to shave too hide my feminine face and wanted some chest hair so to attract women.. If it wasn't for the love I have for my wife I would probably go full time for its tiresome pretending to be male all the time, but I would still keep Mr penis for it does come in handy especially when sex is involved and I'm only attracted too women, men turn me off.

[Rp1713]

My breasts grew in during puberty and that stopped me from going shirtless, I'm a natural b cup, sometimes I wish they were bigger. My puberty wasn't a male puberty, I didn't grow hair on my face or body til I started to shave too hide my feminine face and wanted some chest hair so to attract women.. If it wasn't for the love I have for my wife I would probably go full time for its tiresome pretending to be male all the time, but I would still keep Mr penis for it does come in handy especially when sex is involved and I'm only attracted too women, men turn me off.

I understand what you mean about having a penis. I've never been attracted to men, only women, and still always want to be able to please my girlfriend as I do now. This is the same reason why I'm unsure of ever starting HRT because from what I understand it can have an affect on erections, sex drive and so forth. I think that I maybe always "felt" like I had breasts more than I actually did, or maybe they were just less pronounce, and grew as I did l, and also gained some weight. The body hair is something I have always been really self conscious about. It's hereditary but I hate how much of it I have. This is the other side of the fence I'm on in relation to HRT, I just don't know how much it would actually help in getting rid of it. For now I feel like I have to deal with it and maybe decide on shaving or waxing in the future.


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