I just wanted to say hello, as I just created my account, and share a little of my story with everyone, as well as some questions I have of other people's experiences.
I am mostly curious of other people's experiences with dysphoria. I did not experience my first true bout with it until now, at the age of 25. I have memories of dressing as young as the age of 8-9, and of looking through the women's sections of catalogs just as young. I was always pretty close with my younger sister, and remember playing with Barbies and our toy house during much of my youth.
I also have just always felt like something was missing from my life, or within me, and that I never truly fit in with anyone growing up. Ive always had friends, and gotten along with most people, yet found myself wondering why I didn't truly feel part of being "normal". I constantly felt like I was trying so hard and not living up to others expectations of being a strong boy or man. By the time I was in college I just identified this as depression and anxiety. Now I look back on the feelings I had and wonder if it was deeply repressed gender dysphoria, because my subconscious knew that I would not be accepted by society. I've always felt like I had to act like a tough guy, but often times it felt like just that... Acting. In recent years I started to fit that role better in other people's eyes and it began to scare me. I've always bottled my emotions until the cap explodes off.
I also feel as though I've always kept myself just too distracted to ever have time to really address my feelings. I've taken some time off from my passion for filmmaking for the last few months to have some time to have a life again and regroup as I was go, go go for so long. Not long after starting this break is when the gender dysphoria truly began to take hold.
I'm wondering if anyone else has had this experience. I yet again find myself questioning my own motives. Would any type of transition make me happy? Or did I just build this all up in my head through different forms of media and my own constant over-thinking? I have found lots of strength in the story of Laura Jane Grace. In recent months following her is what has given me the strength to explore myself in a new way. I have particularly found a lot of solace in her bands most recent album Transgender Dysphoria Blues, I am able to relate to so much of the lyrical content. At the same time I often find myself wondering if doing things like listening to this album sometimes twice a day, and constantly reading and watching things about other people's experience with dysphoria and transition is just an obsession and is not really what I'm going through.
I have no idea if I would ever want to fully transition, or if or when I want to come out to the world as being transgender or gender non-binary, or if I should just go back to trying to be the man I'm expected to be. All I know is that I would not be able to make it through all these feelings without the love I get from my girlfriend of almost 4 years as I put on nail polish, yoga pants and eyeliner to try and find myself. All I know now is this love, and that if I woke up a woman tomorrow I wouldn't be upset. Just waking up completely comfortable in my own skin, however that may come to fruition would be a breath of fresh air.
Thank you for taking the time to read, and attempting to understand my situation. So happy to have found you all.
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