coming out to a hostile emotionally stormy person(wife)

[mickey.megan]

so im going to come out to my wife officially and not back pedal in january.

and to just say this up,front i love her, i want to be with her and i want to be a family yet my need to be my real gender is becoming critical for me. i have to do it. or im not going to make it.

the problem i have is she is a very emotionally stormy person and we have children too. i want to protect them from harm and protect the children from seeing mommy and daddy(mommy 2) fighting. im also afraid of leaving them alone with her if she is in a bad state of mind.

anyone  else go through similar what did yiu do to get through it?

[Laura_7]

Here are a few resources that could help:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901


hugs

[Deborah]

This will probably be an unpopular thing to say here but if you want to remain together compromise of some sort may be needed from both sides.  I get that right now she refuses to budge though. 

None of this is fair to you but neither is it fair to her either.

Can you still be happy with some compromise?  What and how much?

I think these are the questions you need to ask yourself.


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[sparrow]

anyone  else go through similar what did yiu do to get through it?

Frequently, stormy people are dealing with mental health issues of their own.  I had to be the sea wall, and weather the storm.  I had to endure her doing and saying things that hurt me.  I had to let her stumble and fall.  I was in the midst of a fall myself, but I held it together until she got to be a little more stable... and then I let myself come apart as well.  As I helped her pick up the pieces, she helped me pick up the pieces; we're whole again, and she loves me for who I really am.

The thing of it is, my wife wouldn't admit that she had a problem until it was an emergency.  I pointed out the warning signs years ago, but she wasn't ready to listen.  I had been her rock, and I was stable enough to keep her away from a meltdown.  When I was destabilized by several things including my newfound gender nonconformity, I was unable to provide that level of support.

It is an absolute blessing that we were able to have our meltdowns.  We don't have kids and we're both in graduate school, so the impact was limited to our relationships with each other and with our friends and family.

[Mirriel]

Frequently, stormy people are dealing with mental health issues of their own.  I

That is so true, coming out is definitely complicated in some cases by marriage/kids, the coming out shock(anger, grief, disbelief, panic etc..), and made worse when the partner has mental health problems they are dealing with. I see several solutions to dealing with this problem:

1 - See a therapist together
2 - Move out/break up/divorce
3 - Hide/Denial
4 - Fight it out, and hope it works out and doesn't end in 2.

Its definitely a very challenging situation to be in, for the person who needs to come out, and just as challenging for the partner and worse still for the partner with mental health challenges.